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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« It can now be revealed. | Main | I seem to be rather angry these days. »

More about what pisses me off.

Hi! You know what? I sure am annoyed lately! I was just scribbling down some thoughts for Finslippy, and, well, oh dear:

1. Drivers who reluctantly slow down at stop signs and give the pedestrian a testy little wave, as if to say, “I am doing you an enormous favor. Now scurry along before I change my mind and mow you down.” There needs to be a new obscene hand gesture that indicates, “Hey, jackass, guess what? I don’t need your permission. Stop signs aren’t optional so don’t act like you’re so very generous and I should be grateful. And you’re a jackass. Jackass.” I must begin work on this gesture immediately. To the laboratory!

2. The family members who sometimes behave as if they are not fully aware that Henry knows what words mean. They believe, for instance, that as long as they didn’t use the word B-U-G-S to refer to the B-U-G-S that were invading the basement when we arrived for a visit—as my son, you see, has a crippling fear of the B-U-G-S—he would not pick up on something being amiss even when they came tearing ass up from the basement hissing “OH MY GOD THEY’RE EVERYWHERE THEY’RE ALL OVER HIS TOYS.” And when they’re whispering updates to me on the TERROR FROM BELOW while Henry looks up from his Matchbox cars in wide-eyed horror, it should come as no surprise that the remaining hours of our visit are spent with 40 pounds of boy adhered to me via the Four-Pointed Ninja Monkey Vise Grip around my torso and neck.

3. Dear husband: what do you want from me when you shout from the kitchen, “Jesus, what did you clean with this sponge?” Is there some answer I can give you that would be satisfactory? Would you like to hear that I was exfoliating my cleavage? Or do you imagine that I store a mental tally of all the items I have scrubbed clean, so that hours later I can sit back and enjoy the memories? What a thrilling moment, when I finally rid the casserole dish of those baked-on lasagna bits. Ah, life. Anyway, could you not simply toss the dirty sponge and retrieve a clean one from our under-sink bounty of unused sponges? Should I scamper to your side and find you an acceptable sponge as you watch in manly approval?

4. People who refer to their husbands as “Hubs” or the “The Hubster.” All I can say about this is: no. That’s all. Just: no. I know some of you do it. And I like you! I do! But no. You must stop. Do you hear me? No!

To those readers new to Finslippy, I’m not normally this peeved. Truly. Some days I am positively ebullient. But lately, whew, so negative! I’m sure I’ll perk up one of these days, perhaps when everyone begins to behave exactly as I feel they should.

On a possibly related note, my son has been cursing lately. I don’t believe he’s cursing for effect, as he doesn’t check us for a reaction—as he might do before he, say, brains another child with a dump truck. For example: the other day he made himself comfortable on the couch—raisins? Check. Sippy cup? Check— and called out: “Turn on the TV.” Before I could respond, he repeated, “Turn on the damn TV, please.” Well! And then yesterday, as he pulled an oversized book from the shelf, he exclaimed, “Wow—this is a big fucking book!”

I tried my best not to laugh, but I did anyway. Luckily he didn’t notice, as he was hidden behind the big fucking book.

Reader Comments (104)

Cleavages can be exfoliated!? Sweet.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersac
I scrub and scrub daily to keep mine supple and gleaming.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
You mean, sponges aren't for exfoliating cleavage? Damn.

I'm constantly worried that my 3 year old will learn from my bad example of swearing and use it in public situations. The Little Shit...
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJP
"40 pounds of boy adhered to me via the Four-Pointed Ninja Monkey Vise Grip around my torso and neck."

hahahahaha. You rock.

June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterGertrude McFuzz
I love your list!
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterliz
must think of gesture as well.... I will let you know if I come up with anything
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermojavi
Quite possibly the wittest site (with exception of that one everyone talks about) I've read in a LONG TIME.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie
I have a dear friend in England, Madeleine. She has a daughter now in her 30s, Saffron. When Saffron was six, Madeleine overheard this conversation after calling up the stairs that Saffron's tea was ready. "Sorry, Leonie. You're going to have to fuck off now. It's time for tea." She and her husband, Tim, instituted a swear box. Everytime they (the parents) said fuck, they had to pay 5o pence.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLin
I hate the drivers testy wave, but I also hate the wave of the pedestrian who runs in front of your car (crosswalks be damned!) and then gives you a little wave, like "Thanks for not running me down and embedding me in the grill of your car!" Of course, when I'm walking, drivers are all freaking maniacs and when I'm driving, pedestrians are all dumbasses. I'm flexible that way.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterJenn
the first word out of my son's mouth will probably be "fuck", or some derivative thereof. thank god my mother is dead, becasue she would surely die of shame if such an event came to pass.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterwix

What's "the one everyone talks about"? I'm new here. That sounds interesting...
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNew Here
ooops, I meant to say you fucking rock.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterG. McFuzz
OMG, "big fucking book" -- this kills me! My son used to say "Jesus!" when he was learning to talk. I mean...when we were both learning how to talk. ;^) Oh man...still laughing about your post!
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBeth
I had my undies all tied up in aknot until I read your last entry. Now I am LOL complete with tears. Thanks, I have been feeling exactly the same way today.

My 8 year old went through a "bad language" phase when he was 3, and when he began preschool, I had to bite the bullett and warn his preschool teacher. One of the more humbling experiences of my life.

You'll be happy to know that today, he can not stand to hear foul language and I have to pay him $1, as we agreed, every time I use it. He wants a play station 2 and it looks like he'll be getting it in no time at all. Maybe even a nice package with some games and an extra remote for his brother. Seriously, I swear like a truck driver when behind the wheel and we have been in the car alot lately.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterclickmom
My driver vs. pedestrian pet peeve is (you asked, right?): Drivers who stop suddenly and force me to cross (no crosswalks in sight) when it would have been about 5 times faster for them to have just kept going so I could cross behind them.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterZach
No offense, I'm sure it's no fun with the cussing and the children... but having none, and having this be THE big looming fear (among others): having others discover through my children that I have the dirtiest mouth on the planet and that I will most likely slip and use it around my now unborn children. Thank god. Thank god there are people out there with children who say fuck, because it sets my mind at ease. Thank you. And thanks for being honest about it. I think others have started to tell me this, and then change the word at the last minute to be some word that really isn't THAT bad. A word that if my child uttered, I probably wouldn't blink, but in their effort to come clean - their desire to look morally superior took over, and we ended up with: "and then he said peas! Can you believe it! Peas!" "Fuck, no kidding!"
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterphatmunkay
i like you angry! do the anti-Park Slope mommy bloggers next, please.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlizpenn
When my son was 4 we made a daily commute together each day. One day a driver cut me off and before I could say anything my son piped up with, "That guy is a fucking idiot, right Mom?" The quality time is the important time.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLoose String
Ohmigosh. Can't stop laughing! To the laboratory! PRICELESS.

Also, my friends little boy has a lisp and when he saw a BIG DUMP TRUCK he would scream "BIG DUMB FUCK! BIG DUMB FUCK!"

Man, that was funny.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
My son has never cussed in front of me, but I know he does it. I know this because I created an email account for him on gmail. He hasn't figured out how to change his password yet so I occasionally snoop. I found an email that he sent to himself and all it said was "fuck". Maybe he was practicing?
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeatheranne
The gesture that I use when a driver very nearly hits me while I'm walking is to kick at a headlight until it [hopefully] breaks. If they're still moving, I try to at least dent the bumper or a fender.

Obviously, this only works if they actually *stop* while screaming at highway speeds out of a blind alley.
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMichael
When I said "the one everyone talks about" I was referring to
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie
See, I avoided that whole scenario by marrying a man (Hubby!!!) who is allergic to housework. Therefore, he never touches any cleaning implements and most likely doesn't know what a sponge is.

Suuuuure you're not usually this peeved... ;)
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterwarcrygirl
Amazing. My husband says the exact same thing. He also exclaims in horror when I clean countertops or backsplashes with the "dish" sponge. As though the germs on our dinner plates are somehow holier than the crumbs on the counter, and there MUST BE SEPARATION OR WE ALL PERISH! Aaaieee!
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBooberella
I've lurked around here for quite some time, but this post is pulling me out of the shadows. That was about the funniest thing I've read in ages! I tried to read it out loud to my husband three times before I could stop laughing long enough to get the words out!
June 16, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterE

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