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Let's Panic: The Book!

Order your copy today!

How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

Home - Middle Row

Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Advice for the advice-needing | Main | Marriage! »

Love is coming to us all 

Seasons in the Sun

I am seven. In our finished basement, I have fashioned a complicated hanging platform meant for my brother's unfortunate GI Joe. As I lead him up the steps to his noose, I sing "Seasons in the Sun," quietly, and cry.

And my parents wondered why I didn't have more friends.

Jenny From the Block

I don't know how it got into my head, but Henry was a newborn, I was out of my mind from sleep deprivation, and I sang it to him for months. I rewrote the lyrics:
Don't be fooled by the poop that he's got
He's still Henry from the block
used to poop a little now he poops a lot
no matter where he poops he knows where he poops from
(from the butt!)

Listen, I was really tired.

No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn

So what if I didn't get a role in the school musical? Who cares if it's my senior year and I always got a lead part and this time they stuck me in the chorus? And all my friends have big parts and now they're all acting all special and also not really talking to me? I'm going to play Beastie Boys in my car so loud that that old lady pulling up in the other lane gets all frowny! Whatever, GRANDMA!


The grape drink they give us at day camp tastes like the paper spout you drink from and leaves your mouth all puckery. I always try to get a second one.

You Are Too Beautiful

Scott and I shuffle around on the dance floor while everyone watches us. They probably think we've taken dance lessons because it's our wedding, after all, but within seconds it's apparent that we've never seen the inside of a dance studio. Our guest turn back to their conversations and leave us alone. Which is fine by us.

Carry On

I discover Crosby Stills & Nash (and sometimes Young!) my sophomore year of college. Somehow I missed them growing up, and now I can't get enough. I'm undoubtedly driving my hallmates crazy, but whatever, at least I'm not the girl who opens her door and blasts Erasure until we threaten to call campus police.

Steady As She Goes

Dance party in the kitchen. Henry, it turns out, does an excellent Robot. Scott comes home from work while we're jumping up and down, and without taking his coat off, he joins us.

Here Comes the Sun

I'm sitting in my crib, which my sister has covered with a large cotton blanket. I hear voices on the other side, calling to me. Soon a smiling head will peek in, then disappear. Until then I cram my fist in my mouth and bounce up and down, ready for whatever happens next.

Reader Comments (39)

We tried to make some up when we had our baby. I would sing "Oh, Jackson, you came and you kept me from sleeping" (to the tune of "Mandy") but never got past that first line because I was too tired.

But ever since he was really little, he has always loved Yellow Submarine - guaranteed to make him smile when he was a few months old, and now it will stop him mid-tantrum.

March 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney

Another diaper-changing song here: "There's a girl who lives a life of danger/every half an hour we have to change her/oh, and every move she makes/another poop she takes/odds are she'll poop twice as much tomorrow./Diaper...Action girl! Diaper...Action girl! We're taking off your diaper, and giving you a change."

Someone should do a book of these. Hey! You could!

March 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterelswhere

I just wanted to say thank you for changing your banner picture. Not having that subliminal reminder every time I come to your site will cut down on my coffee consumption enormously.

March 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAbra Cat

I adore this post ... if not illegal in most states, I would wish to marry it.

And the image that this (I'm sure mis-keying!) conjures has dissolved me to a puddle: Our guest turn back to their conversations and leave us alone.

March 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterdianne


When I was 5, my mom caught me hanging my Barbies off a stool in my room with a dental floss noose. I was making them say their final words in an English accent. I AM FROM MICHIGAN.

My mother rushed me to the child psychologist who said that I probably just had an overactive imagination, but to bring me back if I started killing animals.

We're like EVIL TWINS!

March 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPochyemu

Wow, we didn't do poop songs, but did bath time songs, Jenny from the Block was one of them, "He's still Garret from the block, he used to be dirty but now he's not." And for my daughter to the tune of "Everybody" from the Backstreet Boys "Everybody yeah yeah wash your body, yeah yeah, everybody wash your body right."

I miss those songs and those good old days. Thanks for the memories.

March 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDawn

My first notion was to say, "this ain't nothin' but a buncha shit talk!"

Jenny From the Block got me. This is awesome Alice!

March 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJasmine

I love this post. :) And great soundtrack by the way. lol

March 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSweepstaker

Love this! Thank you.

March 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDeanna

I love the feeling this post evokes. Nostalgia, confusion and a certainty that love is floating around, weaving through your life and waiting to poke it's nose in at surprising moments. I can't explain why but I'm suddenly both happy and sad.

March 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTherese

You crack me up, Alice! :-)

March 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKayla

Added verse to You are My Sunshine

You are my pooper, my little pooper
You make it stinky everyday
you'll never know dear, how very stinky
'cause I take the poopy away

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