Look, everyone, it's my hair. (Yawn.)

All right, all right.

Listen, I didn't really want to put up pictures because I'm pretty sure someone's going to get all mad about my stupid face. I don't take these comments seriously, as I am perfectly aware that I am a vision, but it does give me pause. My appearance seems to anger people so. You may recall--and if you don't I will remind you--that last year, when I was on the Today show, a thoughtful reader told me that all she could see was my "enormous ass and teeth."

Well!

But this is only my hair, so at least you will all be spared my ass. And of course the teeth. The misshapen, unfortunate teeth.

The first thing I learned, while trying to take pictures of my gray hairs, is that it's harder than it seems like it should be. The light in my bathroom's all buttery and lovely but it doesn't work when you're trying to show the horrible divide between the graying roots and the oxidizing awful of the rest of it. Here's my first try. Where are the gray hairs? They're right...right there! Oh, can't you see?!

A little closer, reluctantly. I wasn't really anticipating a close-up.

Okay, look over here, it's really gray--no? Crap. It really is. Damn it.

Fine, I'll lower my head. THERE. Now do you see?

Here's the back of the head (look, you people asked for these), where you can't see anything at all. Take my word for it, it's gray. Darker than the front, but definitely a steel-gray kind of thing.

The other side. Because my hair is longer on top than the sides, the gray's way more apparent around the ears. Which I like to think makes it look like I have a coppery toupee squatting on my head.

Now I'm looking up even more. I'm so whimsical!

In my zeal to expose the white-ness of my roots, this happened.

This is the kind of hair I have: I can yank my hair upward, and it stays. This is an advantage for silly pictures and/or to amuse my son when he's crying, and a disadvantage every morning, in that I wake up with the craziest bedhead ever and if I forget and answer the door, I terrify the meter reader. Jealous?

Now I'm just making faces. But look, in this mirror, you can see the gray hair a little more clearly.

I am the epitome of loveliness.

Finally, just to piss people off: my butt. Sweet fancy Moses, how did anyone let me on television?!

No! No, not the teeth! OH GOD CLOSE THE MOUTH CLOSE IT

Comments

[Alanaransley]

You look perfectly lovely, as always. I would give anything to have a butt like yours; mine needs its own ZIP code.

[Locusts and Wild Honey]

I like it! You are really rocking the streaks of gray.

[Kristi]

You are lovely.

[mamaspeak]

There's a butt there??? Dude, me thinks someone was a bit jealous. Take it from a girl with more then just a LITTLE junk in her trunk. Yours is perfect.But your teeth..... ;-)

[palinode]

That was one too many pictures of your hair. By the twelfth picture, I understood everything I needed to understand about your hair. Then suddenly I understood TOO MUCH. Now I'm on lithium. Thanks Alice's hair.

[andygirl]

I love your teeth. your ass is pretty sweet too. please don't block me.

now that *that's* out of the way, can I say that the grey is nice? it is. I like it.

[Chiara]

I love you Alice.

Now that I cut all my hair off, I have the exact same thing going on. Bright gray (could it be white?!) under dark brown ends. And it sticks straight up in the morning. Great fun, especially to scare the cats.

[Suzy]

You have a perfect nose. I've had 2 nose jobs. Your teeth look fine. I wore braces for 4 years.

I have gray hair around my ears too but I have the good sense not to mention it on the internet.

[schmutzie]

Mrowrrrrr.

I have let my colour go, too, and I like to think that, by comparison, the skin on my face looks years younger. I doubt this is the case, but I prefer not to indulge in too much reality.

[sweet]

Gray is just unfair. The way I see it is that all the trouble we go through to earn those grays, we should be getting hotter instead!!p.s. you look fabulous and I love that you included the butt and teeth for spite!!!

[Megan]

You are the image of loveliness, Alice.

[Poppy Buxom]

But you PROMISED! No ass and especially no teeth!

Now you're really in trouble. Because I'm telling!!!1!!!!!!!!

[HereWeGoAJen]

I think you are pretty. Plus, you have a very nice butt.

[Marinka]

How about some photos of the hair on your ass?

[alice]

Oh, you guys are the nicest.

[Marcy]

Honestly, I think your hair looks pretty good like that. You made it sound awful, but this actually looks like a "look" if that makes sense. =)

[Kate]

Wait, wait, someone complained about your ass? Uhm, do you have one? Or indeed, any sort of negative shape at all? I will trade you bodies, and THEN the internet will be allowed to have reason to complain. THEN AND ONLY THEN.

Also, it is probably the bathroom's fault, but I don't think your hair lookst that gray at all. I was expecting DRAMATIC GRAY. I feel disappointed and let down.

But I will let it slide THIS TIME. Only this time.

[alice]

Marcy, I think it's the lighting. It's quite forgiving.

Marinka: I will show you that tomorrow.

[Flucky Mom]

Not everyone can pull off a short hair cut and you certainly do pull it off. I'm jealous.

[Mr. Dude]

Well Scott is a pretty lucky chap I'd say! Cheers!

[JB]

I think you look lovely and your hair looks cool! So there!! :-)

Also, u r hilarious as always :-)

[suz]

What butt? You're perfectly cute. And my hair looks a lot worse than that when it's growing/graying out...

[Mindy]

What the heck is wrong with your teeth & butt? You look lovely.

[Smalltown Mom]

Um, ass? What ass? I see nothing.

One of my best high school friends is rocking the short salt&pepper hairstyle, and you will too.

[liz]

You are amazingly gorgeous.