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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
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Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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« Luckily, he's not the target audience. | Main | Happy belated Halloween. »
Monday
Nov082004

Like Canada, but sexier--much sexier.

Everyone’s so down on the red states for, well, being red, but no one has talked about the other great schism in our country: the men vs. the women. The majority of men voted for Bush, while more women went for Kerry. What can we conclude from this statistic?

Isn’t it obvious? The men must go.

Sorry, guys, you had your chance. You could have voted for Kerry, but Bush reminded you of that bully from junior high who sent you notes in class that read “meat me after school so I can kick yur ass”and who invited everyone but you to his pool parties; you secretly always wanted him to like you and now he does because you voted for him hooray! You are totally going to his pool parties now! You can play Marco Polo with Dick and Karl! And then George will be all, “Dick, heh heh,” and you’ll laugh, “Good one, George,” and you’ll put up your hand for a high-five and he will totally high-five you!

“But I didn’t vote for Bush,” I’m sure some of you will protest. Well, neither did I, and I’m stuck with him. If you had talked more of your men-friends into voting for Kerry, we wouldn’t be in this mess. If, just once, you had turned down the volume on your porn rental and said to your friends, “Dude, we have to make sure Bush doesn’t get reelected. He will send this country straight into the toilet, bro. Right? Dude,” you could have changed the course of history. But no! You had to find out why those lady plumbers helping Amber with her faulty massaging showerhead were so erotically dressed! And what were they doing to her with that plumbing snake? Wow!

So here’s what I suggest: we come up with some equitable division of the states—I don’t care how we split it up, as long as I don’t have to move. The men get to live in Circle-Jerkania or Enormous Penisland or whatever the hell they want to call it. Bush will be their leader, and as such will rationalize getting into all kinds of cool wars where tanks can shoot buildings and go BOOM and SCRROOOSH and he can illustrate his reasoning with his Hot Wheels collection. As for the women, we will live in our country, Gynomerica, where Kerry will lead his people (he will call us his “Angels” and we will get all red-faced and giggly) into a future of untold peace and prosperity. We will have four-day work weeks, because working is good, but let’s not get crazy about it. The women can marry each other, if they so choose. The ones who don’t lean that way can visit the men whenever they want, and then drive back in their electric cars to their clean and quiet neighborhoods. And when our male neighbors from the South (or wherever) attempt, as they undoubtedly will, to invade and occupy our great land, we’ll unleash our military, whose finely honed powers of Shaming will emotionally devastate the enemy and cause them to retreat, weeping, back to their lean-tos*. Who's with me?

(*In my imagination, men can’t even get their acts together enough to build houses.)

Reader Comments (45)

I love you.
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterabby
I'm with you! Yay.
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterG. McFuzz
Hmmmm. I'm thinking of more XX types on the blacklist--Camille Paglia, f'rinstance. Oh wait--I'm pretty sure she has a penis ... And on the other side--what about Jon Stewart? Can we set up some kind of seraglio situation for certain especially savory Kerry-supporting men?
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterjilbur
Hahaha...great post. Just a few things...

1. Would it be ok if the women took the South? Because you're always cold and trying to turn up the heat?

2. Who's going to kill all the spiders? Conversely, who's going to take care of us when we're sick?

3. If I promise to cook and do all the cleaning, can I come live with all of you? I think Guysville would quickly turn into some sort of Land of the Frat Boys.
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterMetroDad
Okay, see, Sheri Tepper wrote this book already--"The Gate to Women's Country"--except it wasn't nearly as funny. (Good book, though.) I admit that I'm torn between letting men apply for admission and only letting them visit, though I'm leaning toward the former. but I also have a whole LONG list of women I want to banish--the above-named, of course, plus Phyllis Schlafly, plus, well, any woman who voted for Bush. They can live with the men and wash the socks or something. Plus pick up the underwear and cook the meals (we probably get most of the fancy chefs, so we got that going for us, too). And we get all those tax dollars, too! And a raise.
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered Commentercarla
You are fabulous. Count me in.
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterDeb
I was going to mention "The Gate to Women's Country," too. I recommend it. The scenario's a little like you describe, but more post-apocalyptic primitive. The men live in camps outside the women's enclaves, and they "protect" the women, see, from the other camps of men and the other women's enclaves. The men fight among themselves, and the women socialize, get the useful work done, and secretly run things. Men are allowed in to live in the enclaves but only if they give up being warriors, so of course no manly men do. The warriors just get to come inside on festival days (wink, wink). There's a lot more to it, and some twists I won't reveal.

Another excellent feminist future-fiction book is "Woman on the Edge of Time" by Marge Piercy. Visions of two futures - one cooperative, non-violent (feminine) future, and one sexist, violent (male) future.

Thanks for taking my mind off the election for a few minutes...
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterShari
Only problem is that eventually W (or one of the people with their hand up his... well, he's a puppet, that's the image I'm going for. Nothing dirty. Though a little violative.)

One of those people would realize that you women are possessed of particular resources that, like oil, the men in Gigundo-Penis Land want, want more of every day, and don't want to think about conserving at all.

In fact, the only difference would be that research into "alternative fuels" has already been done by every teenage boy on the planet, but there's only so far that hand lotion and the internet can go.

Oh... was that too much information? Sorry.

Anyway. Who do you think would be the first country to get the old "BOOM and SCRROOOSH" treatment.

Except, as enemy combatants, all the women would then lose the vote and the right to a lawyer. Though you'd probably get a good tan at Gitmo.

....

Also, I'd miss y'all.

--FD
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterFrumDad
speaking of the south:www.fuckthesouth.com
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered Commenteraj
Word! By the way am I psychic? I knew I would find a new post here when I came by. I liked Kerry. SERIOUSLY. But, uh...can't we get a woman president...in Vaginalandia or wherever it is. 'Cause if we can't that's rather lame.

Ah, the power of the guilt trip. How many times has that defeated a mighty army. Lots, actually! Well, maybe only once. In India...with Gandhi and stuff. But it could totally work. I can see it now. But some self help books may be involved in our psi-ops.
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterMiel
Shaming. Now that's a military I (and most likely any Angel) would sign up for. I love it.
November 9, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterlengli
Speaking of how We don't need the men, they'd look cute in a bathing suit on a billboard in Miami.
Lurker, first time poster. Beautiful. Just beautiful.



November 10, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
I agree with abby. I love you too. You are so funny and brilliant and this is a great plan. When should we start the revolution?
November 11, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterDM
WHY HAVE I NOT FOUND YOU BEFORE??? You are fabulous! I read your comment over at Julia's, bloody brilliant. I can't quite believe I'm saying this but I ADORE Americans like you. I'll read on now.
November 13, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterLioness
DM??? What on earth are you doing here? You knew abt this and DIDN'T TELL ME??? You are gone.
November 13, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterLioness
excellent. i mean, i love my home country, but if this happened, assuming there was universal health care too, i'd be tempted to join you...

for now though, i'll just stay in canada, i'll wait until you get it well established.
November 14, 2004 | Unregistered Commentermainja
Fine! Who nee'ds ya anyways! You'll com' bac to us! Ya al'ways due! aHe Heee Heee Hah hee heeh!
November 14, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterOld Prospector
I think that the men should be (under some equal protection law) NOT allowed to vote for the same number of years that the women were not allowed to vote. Hell, how about if white people were not allowed to vote for the same number of years that they kept various minorities from hitting the polls.. or say that a white vote counted for 3/5ths that of a non-white for historically obvious reasons. I say this with all seriousness as a white male. Please?
November 16, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterrobb
Will comments 4 weeks late, take? That was funny as hell.

I woulda said something sooner but there was a game on.
December 2, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterKevin Hayden

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