In real life, I don't send cards even when my mom begs me to.

In my dream last night, I complained to Scott, “I send greeting cards to my friends all the time, and no one ever sends me any. That’s it. I’m not sending Jen my usual card for when it’s time to color her hair.”

Can you imagine such a card? I’m not sure whether it’s a reminder (“A little bird flying overhead told me it’s touch-up time!”) or congratulatory (“Hooray! You’re not letting yourself go!”). I think I need to come up with more cards like this. I could start a line! My mom would buy them all.

My calendar says it’s time for someone's pap smear!

Saying “Those frames aren’t doing a thing for your face” is my way of saying I care.

Congratulations on paying your bills on time (I hope)!

Flossing yet?

Come on, give me more. Together we can start a passive-aggressive greeting-card empire.

Comments

[April Naaden]

Here's one: "Oh, I didn't need to have YOU back, Mr. Pain. Didn't ya know?"

[JustLinda]

I always thought there should be a card to welcome teenaged girls to womanhood. "Condolences on getting your period. You're not alone - we all hate it."

[C]

How about: Thank you for the lovely thank-you note.(I am assuming you put it in the mail already!).

I am guessing it will be used almost exclusively by grandmothers.

[juliloquy]

Hi! You have to keep walking when you reach the top of the escalator. Thanks!

[Amy]

I actually found this card and sent it to someone, so hilarious and sick!

On the outside it was just a picture of everyone sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with a HUGH turkey.

On the inside it said:

Condolences on the loss of your pet.



HAHAHAHA!

[VenturaMom]

Is that a caterpillar peeking out of your nose or do you just need to trim some hairs?

[Carolynne]

Isn't it time to pick up a new pack of birth-control pills at the pharmacy? No one wants another one of you running around!

[Kate]

That's a great outfit you have on today!

Much better than the clown suit you wore yesterday.

[figbash]

Congratulations on kicking heroin.... again.

[Mandy]

It will get better, eventually. Probably.

[elise]

Brown is the color of autumn leaves, teddy bears, and dental plaque.

Fall is here, and it looks like it's time for a good flossing!

[bee]

I had a real card that was a lovely light blue and had the letters ESAD on the outside and the words eat shit and die inside!

[Julie]

Outside:I'm thinking of you

Inside:And I would have called, but I can't stand to listen to your whining.

[JennB]

Here are some.... they're funny to me at least:

"I know I said you look great...""But really, you just look ok. A few more pounds off would do wonders for you!"GOOD LUCK!

or

"For my Mother-in-Law:I know you gave birth to my spouse, and cared and loved them for many years....""...but that doesn't mean I have to like you, you f-ing crazy bitch"

or"Happy Boss's Day, Boss!...""...Just wanted to let you know that I quit!"

[Coelecanth]

Your failure to plan is not my emergency. Best of luck!

(cribbed from a sign seen in a student finance office)

[The Dad]

Remember...

After 50, your ears need a haircut, too.

[OTRgirl]

Outside: Congratulations, you're 40!

Inside: Time to make an appointment for someone's finger up your anus!

[roolalenska]

These are all so funny!

This reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons from the New Yorker. Santa Claus is sadly looking in his mailbox on a snowy day and says, "Not one Valentine".

[jk]

If you haven't already, check out this company's products:http://www.knockknock.biz/They've got this down.

[Anne Prince]

A get well card.....

Penicillin.....for the man who has everything.

[The Dad]

Nice one, Anne!

[Allison]

I've always enjoyed your writing. I finally linked you to my own site today. I hope you don't mind, but let me know if you do!

[Heather]

For Mother's (and Mother's in Law) DayOutside: To the woman who gave me my beloved spouse...

Inside: CUT THE FUC*ING CORD ALREADY!

Outside: On your special day, just wanted to say...

Inside: This is all the attention you're getting for the year, you crazy manipulative b*tch, so use it wisely.

[Mauigirl52]

This reminds me of a friend I had back in college; we sat around one night and thought we would come up with a card company that had just this type of offbeat messages on the cards.

I can't remember all of the ones we thought of, but we thought of things like sympathy cards for parents whose kids had joined a cult (this was the 70's after all!) Should've marketed them, we could have been rich...

[Antonia]

When my friend Julian had haemmorhoids so bad that he had to take time off work, I made him a card that opened up into a double-page picture of two buttocks, with a bunch of red rubber balloons poked through the middle, and SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR ARSE written across the top. It was very beautiful. Hallmark haven't told me to give up the day job yet.