In real life, I don't send cards even when my mom begs me to.

In my dream last night, I complained to Scott, “I send greeting cards to my friends all the time, and no one ever sends me any. That’s it. I’m not sending Jen my usual card for when it’s time to color her hair.”

Can you imagine such a card? I’m not sure whether it’s a reminder (“A little bird flying overhead told me it’s touch-up time!”) or congratulatory (“Hooray! You’re not letting yourself go!”). I think I need to come up with more cards like this. I could start a line! My mom would buy them all.

My calendar says it’s time for someone's pap smear!

Saying “Those frames aren’t doing a thing for your face” is my way of saying I care.

Congratulations on paying your bills on time (I hope)!

Flossing yet?

Come on, give me more. Together we can start a passive-aggressive greeting-card empire.

Comments

[quirky]

I have to credit my Mom for these



It's always darkest before the storm...



You don't want to FILL IN BLANK, do you?

[Megan]

Congratulations! You don't look so bad today.

[Mir]

Tis the season... to grow your own penicillin in the crisper drawer!

Best of luck getting Junior through this awkward phase. I'm sure it won't last more than four or five years.

Don't worry, it'll grow.

[Sarah]

On the front:Missing you...

Inside:Display this on your desk and you too can pretend you are loved!

[Tricia]

Congratulations!

Most people can't carry that extra pregnancy weight for more than a year.

[Erika]

It was just a love shove!

A little bit, or a whole leaf,You've got some spinach in your teeth.

[Pickles & Dimes]

Front: Just so you know...

Inside: the stubble's got to go!

(for men or women)

[Frema]

I don't have anything witty to add, but my husband and I were in Hallmark a few years ago and saw a Father's Day card that said on the front, "We miss having you in our lives." I'm not kidding, I swear to God.

[kim]

Try not to worry about those marital troubles you shared with me last week.

(inside)My coworkers say that everyone feels like that sooner or later.

or...

Statistics indicate that the vast majority of women are married by 30,

(inside)But apparently you're an exception! Happy Birthday, and congrats on bucking the trend!

[Jonathan]

"Saying how much you mean through a card because we really can't be bothered to visit"

[Sarah]

Ooh I know!

On the outside: "Poop!"On the inside: "ON YOUR HEAD!"

Ok, well the kids would find it funny.

[andrea]

Santa may be jolly, but he sure ain't getting laid. Please renew your gym membership.

[LizRM]

Peek-a-Boo!(.) (.)

It's mammogram time

[LizRM]

Is it hot in here, because you look flush!

(inside)

NOPE! Just time to make your child support payments.

[Mom101]

There is a real card that I love so much from Papermama, which we featured on Cool Mom Picks. It's for a new mom and it reads "did you ever think your boobs would give you so much trouble?"

I just can't top that.

[krystyn]

I'm sure I had something clever and funny to post, but it went flying out of my brain when I read "When you snore in your sleep and I punch you in the face, it really means I love you."

[Amanda]

It's time for your bikini wax!You're getting hairier, down there-ier.

[the patriarch]

It's time to change your catheter!

[MomVee]

Outside: Just letting you know I'd appreciate a call every now and thenInside: I'm not like you, I need attention.

Outside: Enjoy your new homeInside: It won't feel cramped if you stop having kids right now

[Jen]

How about one of those cards that has a little insert inside to hold cash? It could have a picture on the front of a dam that's sprung a leak, and on the inside it would say:

Sorry about the condom. Hope this helps.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Congratulations on getting your period after all! We never thought you were mom material, anyway.

or maybe the rather more banal:

Outside: Looks like somebody's got some overdue library books!

Inside: What, do you read like a page a day or something? OTHER PEOPLE want to check out the Life of Pi as well, you know. GOD.

[Suebob]

I actually sold some copy to a snarky greeting card company. Something like:

Outside: I would like to share my hopes and dreams with youInside:...if you would just shut up a minute.

I was so happy!

[Kristin]

Hi-

Outside of card: One of those flowery sentimental prose-poem things, about how sometimes it takes a good friend, or your mom, to say things that one needs to hear....

Inside of card:

Is that what you're wearing?

___

Outside of card: mom/sis/friend with supportive/tolerant expression.

Inside: As long as you're happy.

-K

[J]

Nothing witty to add- just to say keep em coming because this is great!

[nate]

I don't know, but if Roz Chast ever has writer's block she'd better call you!