If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
March 13, 2005Diagnose me, Internet: for the past three days I have had a blinding headache, my entire body aches, I am mildly queasy, and if I walk more than a few blocks I feel as if I should just lie down in the gutter forever. My guesses are hanta virus, or imminent death. Any other ideas?
Speaking of hypochondria, my husband spent last weekend obsessing over a mole that had suddenly sprouted on his wrist. The mole was all the things they say moles should never be: irregularly shaped, dark, raised, shiny, bumpy, mole-y. We enjoyed 48 hours of Scott peering at his wrist and whispering “Oh god oh god oh god.” Of looking at pictures of moles online and predicting the grim outcome of the biopsy and why didn’t he have life insurance and etc. So this week he went to the dermatologist, who diagnosed him with…
… a scab.
Yes. A scab. The mole that had suddenly appeared was a CUT that suddenly SCABBED. And oh, how I laughed. I laughed and laughed. There may have been some pointing. I’m not a nice person. I am now calling him Scabbers.
(My husband agreed to let me share this story on one condition: that I mention how, by the end of the weekend, he told me he thought the Cancerous Mole was getting smaller, and I told him that he was insane, that he was seeing things because he was so afraid of going to the doctor. So. But still. A scab! Laugh! Laugh and point!)
Speaking of words that begin with “scab,” my son’s itchiness has also been diagnosed. The kid has scabies. It took three doctors to figure this out. As I had joked, he was in fact being eaten alive by microscopic vermin. For MONTHS. One application of scabicidal ointment later, my son’s skin is smooth and clear. I shared this news with my mother, who shouted, “He has SCABBIES? I don’t understand! How did he get SCABBIES?” and I'd like to say that I told her he caught them from his father, but I wasn't clever enough, probably because of the parasite that’s eating my brain.
Reader Comments (64)
Also, I just posted a few minutes ago about my own unexplained itchiness, which my husband thinks is scabies. Even the word makes me feel itchier. Is a little bit of cream all that is required to fix it? I thought that you'd have to burn or boil all of your clothing and bedding, too. Come visit me and tell me if you think I have scabies. I don't want to have to sit in my doctor's waiting room for four hours just to be told that maybe I should consider showering more than twice a week.
please tell your husband i a at once laughing and pointing but also heaving a sigh of releif. it could have been SOMETHING. it could have been. it wasn't, which is why the laughing and pointing, as you're well aware.
Last month I started having severe pelvic pain and bloating. It hurt more on one side than the other but it had me doubled over at times. I was in tears it hurt so bad. I was convinced I had cancer and made an appointment with my doctor.
Turns out, I don't have cancer, I was ovulating. Me, the one who only ovulates once or twice a year and have not done so in two years was ovulating.
I'd forgotten how painful ovulation can be with cysts... Duh.. Cancer! Talk about an idiot. But having not done it in two years, I guess I can get a small pass on my idiocy. Right?
If it does turn out to be migraines, my doctor recommended a great book called "Heal Your Headache: The 1-2-3 Program for Taking Charge of Your Pain" by David Buchholz, MD. I got it pretty cheap from half.com.
Aahhh. Yes. Of course.
Diagnosis: Diptheria.
But I do love the Scabbers nickname! :-)
i found your blog thanks to that nyt piece and now look forward to noontime pumping, because i can close my door and read your archived posts. there's a danger in this, though. you are so goddam funny that in the past week i have overpumped TWICE! so when i say i wet my pants laughing at your blog, that's no hyperbole, no sirry.