I just have to figure out how he printed this.
May 16, 2005I found the following tucked away in a corner of Henry's crib. I am so onto him.
Date: April 1, 2005
To: Child 4A0765B-1007@children.com, toddler_unit@children.com
From: Kevin, VP, Toddler Division
Subject: Quarterly ObjectivesHappy new year, company members! As you know, our first quarter was a fruitful and productive one. By working together to delay our bedtimes, we acquired over 53,000 extra hours of valuable awake time. That’s 53,000 more hours of running in circles. 53,000 more hours of shaking our heads wildly and arching our backs. 53,000 more hours of the Parents straining to communicate that toothbrushes do not go in the diaper. We have seen the Parents falter and ultimately give way under our consistent efforts, and we are proud.
It should be mentioned that some of our members have made great strides in drastically limiting the variety of foodstuffs they allow to enter their face-holes. We are thinking especially of Child 3A0762C-0908, who now ingests only raisins and lukewarm water sipped from a plastic spork; Child 5B0755F-0528: ketchup on crackers and the occasional mashed grape; and, most breathtakingly, Child 8A0576L-0108: plain dried breadcrumbs licked off a moistened index finger.
For the second quarter of 2005, we’ve strengthened our resolve and shown what a little determination and a lot of screeching can accomplish. And we are ready for the next phase: Operation No-Pants.
Every morning without failing, the Caregivers initiate a dressing procedure that is tiresome at best and scratchy at worst. It distracts us from our viewing of Elmo and limits our access to our smooth smooth skin. Their motives are puzzling: either they are jealous of our smooth smooth skin or else are attempting to break our wills by imposing nonsensical rules and demanding that we comply. But they will not succeed, friends. Because we will resist.
So: no matter how sopping wet or poop-crammed your diaper is, refuse to let Caregiver remove it. Declare that diaper to be your FAVORITE DIAPER. Do not allow any larger beings to lay a finger on it. For motivation, imagine that said diaper is part of your body, like a real tushie over your tushie. If any attempt is made to remove it, you will scream. Remember: the Scream is your friend. Caregivers live in fear of the Scream. If you add to the Scream “No hit! No hit!” they’re sure to back away for fear of the authorities coming after them.
Once a clean diaper is on very little can stop them from dressing you. The soiled diaper is your last and best hope.
Now that you’ve mastered toddler-ese, use it! Declare your opinions at each and every turn, and make sure that they are as vague and baffling as your pronunciation. If Caregiver explains that dressing is a vital step in a traveling-to-playground initiative, screech, “Murfy! TOO MURFY!” Do not explain. Never explain.
But why do we resist, you ask? Why not get dressed and enter the playground, where fun could possibly had? Because, that’s why. Because because because. Because we must take every stand we are able to take. Also! Because Caregiver is deceiving you. There is another, better playground, a Naked Playground, with balloons and ice cream and cake. The soiled diaper will lead the way. This is true, we think.
Onward!
Kevin
Reader Comments (81)
I suspect the toddlers I know are in on this as well.
Too funny. My husband and I cracked up.
Anyone want to start our own naked playground? Do you think we'll need permits? I think monkey-bars will be my favorite.
I don't have kids yet but I'll get some if means trips to the naked playground.
Don't do that to me when I am drinking...I'm cleaning up my desk now and still trying to get the bubbles out of my sinuses.
As a father of 3 (soon to be 4), that is my young ones to a T. The oldest 2 have outgrown that but now I have 13 yr old boy hormones to contend with. At least the 8 yr old is calm right now.
Hilarious...I just started giggling again...
I would like to know if we can start a frequent flyer program for the number of minutes spent awake between 2am and 5am. I believe I have already logged 4,389 minutes and would love for that to translate into a trip to Hawaii -- where then I can wake my parents up in a new time zone (say, 4am?) and beg to go swimming.
Thanks!Kira
I would like to know if we can start a frequent flyer program for the number of minutes spent awake between 2am and 5am. I believe I have already logged 4,389 minutes and would love for that to translate into a trip to Hawaii -- where then I can wake said Parents up in a new time zone (say, 4am?) and beg to go swimming.
Thanks!Kira
P.S. I would also like to nominate my brother for Employee of the Year. This year, he successfully instituted a "Delay Getting into Your Carseat" strategy that included begging, arching (amazing how effective that one is), and whining "I want to do it myself." (I believe he only let up around the Christmas holiday when the threat of Gift Loss loomed too heavily.)
-- Chris
This is hilarious...as a single mom of two-year-old twin girls, I need all the laughs I can get!