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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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First of all: Behold my banner! It was created by the lovely and talented Heather. She makes a good banner. I've heard her site is quite popular, too. I mean, I haven't read it, but that's what I hear.

(Here is where I consider inserting an emoticon to fend off the emails in which I am called a dumbass.)

It's weird to watch a show and wonder why you aren't on it. And then you show up! But only for a second. And I think they used a clip in which I was babbling off the record, when I thought, "They will never show me laughing like this, will they? Isn't it illegal to show this much gum on television?" And yet there I was, exposing my mouth parts to the world.

I realized my mistake when I was watching the show: I had tried to be funny, but apparently they wanted sincere. They were heading for Earnestville, and I was waiting for them over at Snarky Junction.

Anyway, at least I wasn't the young woman who cooed over "The Polar Express." I am glad it was someone's favorite-est movie ever, but that person should never be allowed to speak in any kind of public forum.

Ooh, you're thinking, are the grapes sour, in that basket of grapes you have there? And I'm thinking, what grapes? What basket? Are you insane? Shut up!

Honestly, watching a show and worrying that you might make an appearance is... uncomfortable. For the entire two hours of the show, I hid under a blanket, peeking out at the beginning of each segment to confirm that the talking head was not me. Meanwhile, my husband mocked me.

Me: I'm not in this one either. I must have been really terrible.

Him: God, you're right. Why am I still married to you?

Me: I don't even remember these topics! Why did they come up with new topics?

Him: That's because you were so bad that just looking at the questions from your interview made everyone cry, so they had to rewrite the entire script. Or, no, wait, I know what happened--your utter lack of charisma caused everyone on the set to die, and all copies of the questions to burst into flames. Then the building burned down. Thanks a lot.

Me: This is cute, the mock-insults. I find it amusing.

Him: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: They let Bruce Vilanch on this show. So at least I know I wasn't cut because of my looks.

Him: Oh, make no mistake--you're much worse-looking than Bruce Vilanch.

Me: Hey, wait, was that me?

Him: That was you! That was you! You looked so great!

Me: Oh my god! You totally love me.

Him: God only knows why.

Reader Comments (64)

I saw it I saw it!

I can't believe it either, it was in the back of my mind, I happened to flip to the channel and I caught it in less than 5 minutes of watching.

You looked great, and, lucky me!
December 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersarah
No sweat on the burgundy satin! At least, none that I SAW.
December 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNothing But Bonfires
Heather? Heather who? Ho, ho, I am nothing if not very funny.

I saw you, I saw you! Thank goodness for TiVo also because I would have missed it. It was Eric who said, "Hey! Thar she be!" [Because he was playing pirate, see] and I re-wound and re-wound again marvelling at your beauty and famousness. Then I blogged about my vagina. This is why I will never be on TV.
December 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterVery Mom
I watched the first two hours (which, dude, you TOTALLY owe me back) and just kept thinking - Alice is WAY too funny for this show. That's the only reason I can think of why they didn't show more of your shiny shiny hair.
December 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda
I know, Amanda, I know. I am SO BUSY constructing the hours that I owe so many people, you have no idea. But thank you. My hair was way too shiny; I think they lacquered it with infant tears.

December 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
I have a possibly silly question: I can't see your new banner; it is because I still use IE?
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSarah King
jingle cats? i've obviously missed the boat - someone throw me a pattle
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMathew
i'm going to pretend that was a pun and not me mis-typing paddle
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMathew
Sarah, I'll look into it. Maybe if you clear your cache? Unfortunately I'm technically a little bit of a moron, but I'll see what I can find out.
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Sarah, I had to clear my cache to get it too for some reason and I was using Firefox on a Mac. Go figure. I don't think it is anything to do with the site.
December 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
Alice, thanks for the advice. I actually didn't do anything - technically you kick my ass - but I see it now. And it is very pretty. This Heather person does make a good banner. I followed your link to her site and her own banner is very pretty too.
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSarah King
the banner is a beauty to behold... i saw it & thought it was dooce-y!

oh lovely dooce, please banner me beautiful.... yes I average 2 million readers less than you, but still! xxx
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDiane Shipley
Hmmm, Earnest Memories make me gag and Snarky ones would make me laugh. Now, what I would prefer - laughing or gagging?
December 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercagey
Your hair is awesome.

I am going to be on tonight Apprentice and I'm dreading it. I HATE how I look on film.What's your secret for looking good on film?

The Armstrongs rock the pimping. Jon helped me set up my site.I love the masthead Heather did for you.

Maybe your link to her site will give her some more hits. She could use them.
December 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTorrie

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