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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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First of all: Behold my banner! It was created by the lovely and talented Heather. She makes a good banner. I've heard her site is quite popular, too. I mean, I haven't read it, but that's what I hear.

(Here is where I consider inserting an emoticon to fend off the emails in which I am called a dumbass.)

It's weird to watch a show and wonder why you aren't on it. And then you show up! But only for a second. And I think they used a clip in which I was babbling off the record, when I thought, "They will never show me laughing like this, will they? Isn't it illegal to show this much gum on television?" And yet there I was, exposing my mouth parts to the world.

I realized my mistake when I was watching the show: I had tried to be funny, but apparently they wanted sincere. They were heading for Earnestville, and I was waiting for them over at Snarky Junction.

Anyway, at least I wasn't the young woman who cooed over "The Polar Express." I am glad it was someone's favorite-est movie ever, but that person should never be allowed to speak in any kind of public forum.

Ooh, you're thinking, are the grapes sour, in that basket of grapes you have there? And I'm thinking, what grapes? What basket? Are you insane? Shut up!

Honestly, watching a show and worrying that you might make an appearance is... uncomfortable. For the entire two hours of the show, I hid under a blanket, peeking out at the beginning of each segment to confirm that the talking head was not me. Meanwhile, my husband mocked me.

Me: I'm not in this one either. I must have been really terrible.

Him: God, you're right. Why am I still married to you?

Me: I don't even remember these topics! Why did they come up with new topics?

Him: That's because you were so bad that just looking at the questions from your interview made everyone cry, so they had to rewrite the entire script. Or, no, wait, I know what happened--your utter lack of charisma caused everyone on the set to die, and all copies of the questions to burst into flames. Then the building burned down. Thanks a lot.

Me: This is cute, the mock-insults. I find it amusing.

Him: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: They let Bruce Vilanch on this show. So at least I know I wasn't cut because of my looks.

Him: Oh, make no mistake--you're much worse-looking than Bruce Vilanch.

Me: Hey, wait, was that me?

Him: That was you! That was you! You looked so great!

Me: Oh my god! You totally love me.

Him: God only knows why.

Reader Comments (64)

I just wanted to document that I saw you again, talking about Hanukkah Harry on SNL. heh. LOVE you!
December 2, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLibby
Congratulations! They didn't play it here though so you'll have to chew up some gum and take pictures, mmmm-k?

Love the new banner! Heather is the shiznit.
December 2, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Rani
OK, Alice, just so you know, it was Scott's idea to put Bruce Vilanch onto the show when that whole Star Wars Holiday Special thing fell apart. Did he not admit that to you? (Bruce was a writer on the Star Wars Holiday Special.)

December 2, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjen
And for those who were wondering, we were forced to go the sincere route by the was decidedly non-I-Love-the...FWIW
December 2, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjen
I thought the SAME exact thing about the woman who said she kept going back again and again, and dragging people with her to see "The Polar Express", because it was "just so beautiful. To each his own, but we *just* saw that, and were more than mildly creeped out by the whole thing. I don't know who she was, but I'm glad I don't!

And get OUT of here, you were GORGEOUS! Wow, the hair, the eyes, the lips--what a gal? I wonder what non-blog-reading people thought of your on-screen title, "Humor Writer, Finslippy?" I can imagine them thinking, "Finslippy? Is that a magazine? A TV show? What?"
December 2, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda
I think this is a good lesson for when you do become famous: Don't watch yourself. Heat Miser is kinda hot.
December 2, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterozma
Heat Miser is hot so I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks so. Wish I had cable. Sigh.

I never saw the Polar Express for the simple reason that the damn preview made me cry. I'm not sure why but the stupid dancing conducters got me every time. Yeah. I cry at cat food commercials as well.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
I will now think of you Alice of the Lovely Voice.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterChristine
I think you should have worn some sort of Bruce Vilanch wig. Then we would NEVER miss you and of course you would be all over the show. Perhaps a mop! On your head!

Hahahahah! Ha??
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
Okay, I didn't see the show, but I will make it a point to, now.

But I had to comment and say that I LOVE your new banner! It's just totally awesome and perfect. Heather is a champ. (Her blog is also really great.)
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterTitanKT
Pretty Banner! Pretty! And Confounding! And therefore Clever.

Excellent, Smithers.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlis
Nice banner. I had NO idea you were on that show, and I've been lurking around your posts for months. I'm sure I'll catch it on rotation, as I'm always checking in with Bravo to make sure (a) that I don't miss Project Runway and (b) in hopes that they might repeat The Dan Band Special. The Dan Band!

December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterRocky
oh genuine! oh. i so wouldn't have thought genuine. not my style. not yours either i suppose. (and am about to emoticon as well so adjust thoughts accordingly sans emoticon).
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterhonestyrain
I actually kind of want to see what you would come up with for an emoticon, Alice. Because i feel it would be much more original that just the ": )" ...I think it would be more akin to a face from a calvin and hobbes strip. You know, like when he has picture day, or something. That would be cool. Can Heather make you those?
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlis
Dude, I totally watched almost the whole first hour in anticipation, and finally gave up! I must've missed you! I did, however, see the clip about the "Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas Special," and cackled at the evil glare Frank Gifford shot at his wife across the couch. Hee!!!!
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered Commentertamstar
I am putting up some stills I captured using TiVo and my digital camera on my blog, since I'm still too lazy to have set up a flickr account. I have a whole stop-action series that shows one complete "meow," and I still can't get over what a great-looking woman this is.

Of course, if Alice objects in any way, it's coming right down. Will probably be an hour or so from now before it's up.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda
This post made me laugh so hard, especially the part where your husband mocks you. I haven't seen the special yet, but will look for it.

So, I am curious, do all you famous blog pioneers get together for coffee? Do you all know one another? Do you sit around wondering how to best amuse us with your next posts? Just wondering.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterShelli
I asked my son today if he had any interest in seeing Polar Express. He said, "No and why doesn't the kid noticed that Santa looks just like Tom Hanks?"

Personally, the kid in the movie creeps me out. I can't put my finger on why.

Oh, and I was hoping that someone here would have captured video of Alice's fine performance. Obviously, I missed it.
December 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBrian
If only we had American telly. You're right about that Heather person, I never read her either.
December 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAnne
I have digital video of it, if I knew how to share it in an internet-friendly format. I do have some stills up on my site, though. If you scroll down real fast, you can clearly see her mouthing a "meow."
December 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda
Oh, believe me, we have video of it. In several forms of media. We will probably put them up here. But thank you, Belinda, for your still shots.

December 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Eeeeeeeee! I saw you! Talking about Haunakah Harry! So pretty! So so so pretty with fabulous hair!!! Yay! I need a haircut...
December 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermissbanshee
I saw you! Gorgeous, mama! Simply gorgeous! And your lips, shiny!
December 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
Thank you Belinda for the screen caps! I now know of this lovely hair and gorgeous visage of which the public has been raving! And the Bravo folk even edited out her moist underarm-parts. Very considerate, I should say.

One more reason to look forward to heading home--watching Finslippy the Pretty on my parent's cable! :D
December 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKaguya Hime
I saw you too - gorgeous!
December 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDay

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