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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Chicago Review Press

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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I am not at all afraid of my cat.

My cat tried to kill me. But I'm sure I had it coming.

It all started when I mocked my cat's ass on Twitter. Izzy the cat is—well, she's become a big girl. She rapidly morphed from an adorable teacup-sized kitten to a hulking mass who causes the house to shake when she jumps off a chair. Here is what she was:

Wuzza wuzza kitty playing.

And here's Izzy now!


She actually looks relatively slender here, due no doubt to her slimming black hue. She's way more of a moose than you can tell from the picture. In real life, she causes people to exclaim in surprise when they see her. She's not small.

I don't even know how she fits on this windowsill.


I know that this is partly our fault. Or at least it's our fault for not addressing the issue as soon as we noticed her rapid expansion. It occurred, as these things do, after she was spayed. When she figured there was no reason to keep up her girlish figure. She let herself go, and we let her do it.

Look, now her back-fat is causing her to slip:


So lately it seems that she is too heavy to clean herself. Specifically, she cannot reach her butt. And this is disgusting. I even tried cleaning her myself—out of love, yes, but mostly disgust—but the fur is all matted, and now there's no getting it out. It's clear that we need to take her to the vet and get the whole cat-butt problem worked out. She's also apparently incapable of cleaning her back, now, and let's face it, it's really hard to pet her when she's like this. Our love, apparently, is conditional, and the condition is "must not have pooplets stuck to ass when you rub our legs for a pet."

Oh wait, I just found a picture in which her enormous girth is revealed.

she's a big cat

NOW YOU SEE. Quick, look away—I can't be sure what prolonged viewing of her Rasputin-like gaze would do to your brains.

I feel bad for her, but that didn't stop me from writing a Twitter about her ass. And not a few minutes later, I walked into the kitchen, and Izzy dashed in front of the doorway, causing me to fly across the room, landing on both wrists and one knee. I had to lie there for a while. Henry came in and offered to kiss my knee, but I demurred. Over the next few days, my knee turned all kinds of colors. My parts hurt. But it could have been much worse.

I have never almost been killed by a cat before, and it's a humbling experience. I can only conclude that Izzy can read, and that she's following me on Twitter. She's probably reading my blog. So I just want to say here that 1) my cat is beautiful, no matter what condition her ass is in, and 2) I was wrong to publicly mock her. Oh, and 3) I am sure that if we take her to the vet it will be so she can be admired, and not to have her hindquarters shaved and a tasteless diet food prescribed. In conclusion, my cat is beautiful. A big, beautiful beast.

If I don't post in a couple of days, you'll know that she didn't accept my apology.

Reader Comments (71)

This is my cat Tabitha. Exactly. She sounds like an elephant coming down the stairs. But you didn't hear it from me.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commentererika
::sigh:: I tried to keep my tsk-tsking to myself, but....I'm a licensed vet tech, and I can't tell you how much we hate to see this problem walk through the door. It's nasty and stinky, and oh so preventable. I always wonder how the cat's owner could have missed the slow progession of obesity to the point of not being able to groom his own butt. Would you notice if you were getting so fat that you could no longer wipe your own behind? I love cats, but not all of them are smart enough to police their own eating habits. So, then it becomes the owner's responsiblity before they reach epic proportions. It is not a kindness to allow your pets to eat themselves to death. Happy dieting!
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNan
Couple of things - I had a cat, Mac, who was gigantic. If he was lying down, people would ask if he had legs. He's now living with a friend's mother and slimmed down a lot. She makes her own pet food, rice mixed with some sort of meat (depends on what is on sale) and the dogs and cats love it. Not only has he lost weight, his fur is much shinier and incredibly soft.

My other cat was getting fat and neurotic so my roommate and I decided to get him a kitten. Now he has this tiny ball of gray bouncing at him at all hours so he's getting more exercise. Maybe Izzy needs a kitten.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDM
Yes, she is massive, but she's also very beautiful!
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle
I don't really know the first thing about cats, but Karen's quote of "assload of dingleberries" is something I need to try to find a way to use in conversation.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterdhd
I know it sucks when commenters get all preachy, but I'm worried about poor Izzy. My friend had a large cat who eventually developed diabetes, and she had to give him daily shots. Fat kitties are susceptible to developing diabetes, so maybe it is time for the kitty treadmill. (Izzy is welcome to tell me that I could stand to lose a few pounds too).
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKristen
Oh yeah. We've got the same issues with our GirlCat, who topped out at about 25 lbs, although at last check, she was down to 23.5 or so.

It's about time for a monthly weigh-in and butt-shave, as a matter of fact.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWhozat
I have a long-ish haired cat who is too LAZY to clean his own ass. At one particulary low point in my life I wiped his ass with a baby wipe. It was either that, or let him smear cat-diarrhea all over the house. But that's not even the worst part. he didn't LIKE the way I wiped his ass and ran away from me before i was done, so I had to chase him around the house with a box of baby wipes, furiously wiping at everything he might have sat on along the way.

The last time we went to the vet I had them shave him. Now the poop no longer sticks to his butt, but sadly it's growing back pretty quickly.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterOperation Pink Herring
For your own safety, might want to be careful about posting pics of Izzy ;-) A friend of mine's sister in law is always posting unflattering pics of her on her (the SIL's) blog. My friend is quite thin but her SIL always manages to find the one pic where there appears to be a double chin, etc. Needless to say, my friend gets rather peeved.

September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlissa
Um, this is all I have to say:

September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRhi
ROFL! I have to say she looks a lot like our cat Baxter. I wonder why fat cats like to lie on their backs and expose their bellies like this? Baxter is the first cat I know who lies like this fairly often and it isn't the most flattering position, now is it?

Baxter weighs 22 lbs.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMauigirl
This post actually made me laugh out loud. It takes a lot to make me LOL in real life. Thanks!
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSabrina
Poor kitty. Although I must disclose, we adopted a kitty from the shelter in January and she weighed all of 7 pounds. I'm gonna guess she's around 11 or 12 now. She is getting chubber. I'll have to let my hubby know that he should be glad she is a short hair and we can see her bottom all the time, at least poo isn't stuck in her fur! Ugh!
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMamaHenClucks
We have a giant cat too (18 lbs). Luckily he is still able to lick his butt, although he looks freaking hilarious doing it. If he wasn't able to, you can bet his diet would begin that day.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRachael
He's not fat, he's festively plump!
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEsther
LOL! Your Izzy is a combo of my two cats... one is black and the other is 20lbs.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly
oh man, we have had two manx cats, both of them so FAT.. one weighed in at 25lbs the other was about 19. and they had the stank ass problem too..we eventually had to get them shaved, neither of them would let us whipe (Dear lord look what I have done in my spare time) their asses. we tried different foods, prescription foods, and neither of them ate wet food..even cut back the amount of food..nothing helped..we just had fat lazy cats and they liked it that way.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjenn
Hi there! We also have a fat cat, who eats the exact same kind of food as our skinny cat. I do not know how, and I do not know why, but cat genes must play a part too or something, right?

Anyway, our cats clean each other too. Perhaps you just need another fat cat?
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHyperboles
Welcome back! Not that you haven't been funny or your son isn't beautiful (because you are and he is) but this, this was hysterical. It was milk out my nose funny! I don't even own a cat.Gonna be a classic,'nuff said.
September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJust a Mom
We had a fat-arsed black cat too. We mostly kept him in check with his eating at home. The problem was that he'd patrol around the neighbourhood daily pigging out on whatever food the neighbourhood cats hadn't eaten that their owners had left on verandahs or porches. The pig. You'd be able to tell when somebody's cat had died or moved, because ours would get noticably skinnier.

Thankfully, he only lost the ability to clean his arse that one time he had to go on steroids after eating weed killer. Whew.

And cats, they are always out to nearly kill you. Always. Be careful. She might try suffocation next.
September 30, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterfatty_bumsticks
I don't feel that your apology was very sincere...Just wait 'til tomorrow. Mwahahahaha...
September 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterIzzy
Oh no. A fat photo is much worse than a tweet. I hope she doesn't attack while you're sleeping.
September 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTricia
Bwahahaha! I haven't had a cat in several years and I forgot how Machiavellian they can be. I highly recommend the "furminator" for the back hair grooming. It's expensive, but so worth it. My dog looks soooo much better!
September 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKeara
Izzy is so cute! She looks just like our cat, Sebastian, sitting on that window sill. We have two cats who we put on a diet earlier this year. For them, it seemed to be all about portion control. They may be grumpier, but they are definitely slimmer.

By the way, the reading thing, don't doubt it for a second. We are convinced that Sebastian understands English. And not just simple commands or voice tones, but whole, complex sentences. It's downright spooky.
September 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHolly
Must stop reading finslippy while at work. Leads to giggles, attempted stifling, fake coughs, spitting over keyboard, strange looks from co-workers.It was the 'fat' photo, and the 'Rasputin-like eyes' comment that did it. Oh god.
September 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBadger

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