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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
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« Pretty Rambo: love him at your own risk. | Main | I should post more, but then I don't post more. »
Wednesday
Mar022005

How not to make a pot roast.

1. Chop two carrots, two celery stalks, and two onions.

2. Blinded and weeping from the onion fumes, avert your eyes while chopping. After all, you’ve done this a million times, you know where the knife is supposed to go—

3. Drop to ground, holding what’s left of thumb.

4. Hold thumb-remnant under running water. Marvel at the amount of blood.

5. Search counter for rest of thumb.

6. Realize all of thumb is attached; what you’ve done is create a meaty flap you can’t look at too closely without feeling nauseated.

7. Think about the words “meaty flap” and feel nauseated anyway.

8. Wrap thumb in paper towels and lie on floor for a minute. The cool, comforting floor.

9. Push dog away. Consider whether the dog smelled your blood and thought you were offering yourself as a tasty snack. Decide your dog never loved you—all those times he gazed upon you with those watery eyes, he was just thinking, “Someday you’ll slip up with that knife—and on that day…”

10. Push dog away. Repeat as necessary. Stupid dog.

11. Look at thumb. Get up to replace blood-soaked towels.

12. Lie on floor again. Feel sorry for yourself. First Ted Koeppel’s cruel, gratuitous rejection; now this.

13. Does anyone even watch ABC/Nightline? And what’s with all the “-line” shows? Dateline? Frontline? Is there another –line?

14. Look at thumb. Get up to replace blood-soaked towels.

15. Staggering to bathroom, swaddle thumb in Blue’s Clues Band-Aids.

16. As the vegetables (along with part of your body) are already chopped, decide to just finish the damn thing.

17. Heat 1/3 cup olive oil in a skillet.

18. Put 2.5-lb bottom round in skillet.

19. Apply ice to the teensy 2nd-degree burns covering your face and neck.

20. Brown meat while weeping softly to self.

21. Open bottle of wine ineptly, causing cork to break off.

22. Push rest of cork into bottle while cursing.

23. Consider drinking wine. Realize that child is sleeping now, but soon child will be awake, and a drunken and bleeding you will not be sympathetic to his needs.

24. Put stupid meat in stupid slow cooker.

25. Do the other dumb shit that you have to do to make goddamn pot roast. Turn on the fucking slow cooker.

26. Look at thumb. Stagger back to bathroom to replace blood-soaked Blue’s Clues Band-Aids.

27. Lurch toward bed for much-needed nap.

28. Hear child calling you from his crib, a full hour before he’s supposed to wake up; you had an understanding, damn it. Decide you hate child.

29. Remove child from crib. Child offers to kiss the boo-boo on your thumb. Decide you love child. Politely decline offer.

30. Wince as your child repeatedly kisses your ravaged thumb.

31. Attempt to entertain child for 4 hours, even as blood loss and pain takes its toll on your mood and energy level.

32. Enjoy overcooked pot roast with husband. Glare at him when he offers, “The extra thumb means extra yum!” Announce that you’ll be ordering take-out for the next two weeks.

Reader Comments (56)

Still waiting for the follow-up: "How not to roast pot."
March 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLOD
Stupid -line shows. Don't know not to bump Funny Finslippy with half a thumb.

This sounds remarkably like my few cooking adventures.
March 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterVery Mom
I never thought I'd think of a Plath poem after reading something you'd written.
March 3, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlis
LMOA!!!
Sooo nice to read about another master chef such as myself.. God it was like reading my trips into the kitchen area..
March 3, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAngelia
Difference between you and me, halfway through dinner I would have told everyone about my thumb, then mentioned part of it's missing.

Reject by Ted Koeppel? Isn't that a country song? Shouldn't you now be allowed beer and new mud flaps for your pick-up truck?
March 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLisa V
The funniest post I have ever read. thank you for the laugh
March 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlaurie
I'm so glad I live in Canada, where I would have that stitched up by my doctor, no charge! Yippeee, stiched up.

Does this sound really crass? Thought so. *Apologize* and then *sympathize*

I just put the whole thing in the slow cooker, screw whoever thought up BROWNING!



March 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterUma Andersson
Sooooo glad you didn't have to find the thumb piece in the rest of the chopped up veggies......I'm impressed that you finished dinner--did you get take out for dinner tonight? I think you deserve it--and see, Henry loves you!
March 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEffie
Now I have to delurk to your comments. Your blog is the only one I read that makes me laugh out loud - for real. "extra thumb.." oh, you!Henry should have quite a sense of humor with all that funny DNA over there.I somehow ALWAYS microplane my fingers when grating cheese. The upside to this injury is that this meaty flap is no longer present. Lovely!I know I get very disgruntled when I have to use the stove AND the slow cooker. I mean, isn't that the whole point of the slow cooker, to avoid the stove?

March 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjojo's circus
This is crazy! On the VERY SAME evening, I cut both my middle finger and thumb on my Miracle Blade knives that I received for Christmas. Those things really work! Well enough to cut into the avocado pit in the half you're holding, and draw loads and loads of blood from the hand, too!

My brother has a worse story... he cut himself on those knives the moment they were delivered, just opening the package. He was still in his jammies when he arrived at the emergency room for his stitches.

Just my little product endorsement!

G
March 4, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterGina
Now I have to delurk to your comments. Your blog is the only one I read that makes me laugh out loud - for real. "extra thumb.." oh, you!Henry should have quite a sense of humor with all that funny DNA over there.I somehow ALWAYS microplane my fingers when grating cheese. The upside to this injury is that this meaty flap is no longer present. Lovely!I know I get very disgruntled when I have to use the stove AND the slow cooker. I mean, isn't that the whole point of the slow cooker, to avoid the stove?

March 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjojo's circus
now I proven to myself all the reason why I avoid posting comments...
March 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjojo's circus
I literally laughed so hard I cried. This is hysterical! (hope the thumb is okay now). Definitely sounds like one of my adventures in the kitchen, complete with the child waking up an hour earlier than usual. ;-)
March 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteranon
My dad sliced off a piece of his thumb while he was making cole slaw. Bleeding profusely, he got my mom to drive him to the ER where the surgeon asked, "where the rest of your finger?" Ask a stupid question, get the answer you deserve: "in the coleslaw." My family now refers to this concoction as finger salad -- it sounds so much more genteel, not that anything could induce me to eat it.
March 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice, uptown
(dr. dave returns days later with a funnier comment...)

Meat Flap! It's What's For Dinner!!



March 4, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterdr. dave
Why does everyone assume you cut yourself? I thought that was a recipe.
March 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAlma Rae
It was hard to read this blog entry, but only because I am easily queased out.

March 5, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterkristen
Eww OWW! Poor thing--hope those Blue's Clues bandages work. I cut myself once trying to grate a potato to make a "poultice" or something that my mom told me would take the burn out of my husband's eye from a welding flash. Ho ho ho--I didn't tell him I did it. He asked why is the potato that color? I said it turns when air hits it, like an apple. Didn't work--it was a metal filing in his eye. Stupid old wives' tale! He got better and I did too. Wishing the same for you!
March 5, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmy
Seeing as I'm an incredible clutz, I am not to be trusted around sharp objects. Next time put the pot roast in the crock pot (or "slow cooker", as you call it. Feh. Proper names. WhatEV,) with a can of vegetable soup (in beef stock), a can of beer, and a couple of small onions and gold potatoes. It's just as good. And no chopping or heating of oil is involved. And it's made with BEER.

This recipe is brought to you by the Association Of Uncoordinated People.
March 6, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBren
Honestyrain sent me. What a great post!That's why I only microwave previously cooked (by someone else, like stouffer's) food.

March 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercatherine
Uh, I once did one of those things that you do when you don't listen to your friend when he tells you that you really shouldn't remove an avocado pit by spearing the pit with the paring knife, so, pad of palm, sharp knifepoint, humiliation, and the recognition that we are meat. Not just Soylent Green™, no. Meat is people.
March 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterjilbur
Oh boy, that was one of the most seriously funny blogs I've read in a while. I'm sorry I'm capitalizing on your pain, but I love the fact that you wrote about it with such great aplombe - thank you for making me laugh. I had a rough day. You just made it all okay:-) I hope tomorrow is better for you and the take out is fabulous, but I'd stay away from chopsticks and sharp cutlery for the time being...
March 7, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercarly
I came by via Honestyrain's recommendation. This post is hilarious. Hope your thumb is feeling better.

God bless,LadyBug
March 8, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterLadyBug
I laughed so had at this, I copied it and sent it to my friends. I can sympathize. I once caught a fingernail between 2 keys on a piano... while on stage... with an audience in the thousands, and ripped off the nail. Continued playing-- because the show must always go on, ya know, and smeared blood all over the concert grand while playing a dazzling Liszt Etude. The audience was mesmerized.Then there was the time, recently, that I chopped the entire end off of a finger with pruning shears while cleaning up my herb garden. I just wrapped the mess up, and went to another music rehearsal and told the other half of my piano duet not to mind if I bled on the keys. Life is fun. fingers heal.
March 8, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterdenise

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