How not to make a pot roast.

1. Chop two carrots, two celery stalks, and two onions.

2. Blinded and weeping from the onion fumes, avert your eyes while chopping. After all, you’ve done this a million times, you know where the knife is supposed to go—

3. Drop to ground, holding what’s left of thumb.

4. Hold thumb-remnant under running water. Marvel at the amount of blood.

5. Search counter for rest of thumb.

6. Realize all of thumb is attached; what you’ve done is create a meaty flap you can’t look at too closely without feeling nauseated.

7. Think about the words “meaty flap” and feel nauseated anyway.

8. Wrap thumb in paper towels and lie on floor for a minute. The cool, comforting floor.

9. Push dog away. Consider whether the dog smelled your blood and thought you were offering yourself as a tasty snack. Decide your dog never loved you—all those times he gazed upon you with those watery eyes, he was just thinking, “Someday you’ll slip up with that knife—and on that day…”

10. Push dog away. Repeat as necessary. Stupid dog.

11. Look at thumb. Get up to replace blood-soaked towels.

12. Lie on floor again. Feel sorry for yourself. First Ted Koeppel’s cruel, gratuitous rejection; now this.

13. Does anyone even watch ABC/Nightline? And what’s with all the “-line” shows? Dateline? Frontline? Is there another –line?

14. Look at thumb. Get up to replace blood-soaked towels.

15. Staggering to bathroom, swaddle thumb in Blue’s Clues Band-Aids.

16. As the vegetables (along with part of your body) are already chopped, decide to just finish the damn thing.

17. Heat 1/3 cup olive oil in a skillet.

18. Put 2.5-lb bottom round in skillet.

19. Apply ice to the teensy 2nd-degree burns covering your face and neck.

20. Brown meat while weeping softly to self.

21. Open bottle of wine ineptly, causing cork to break off.

22. Push rest of cork into bottle while cursing.

23. Consider drinking wine. Realize that child is sleeping now, but soon child will be awake, and a drunken and bleeding you will not be sympathetic to his needs.

24. Put stupid meat in stupid slow cooker.

25. Do the other dumb shit that you have to do to make goddamn pot roast. Turn on the fucking slow cooker.

26. Look at thumb. Stagger back to bathroom to replace blood-soaked Blue’s Clues Band-Aids.

27. Lurch toward bed for much-needed nap.

28. Hear child calling you from his crib, a full hour before he’s supposed to wake up; you had an understanding, damn it. Decide you hate child.

29. Remove child from crib. Child offers to kiss the boo-boo on your thumb. Decide you love child. Politely decline offer.

30. Wince as your child repeatedly kisses your ravaged thumb.

31. Attempt to entertain child for 4 hours, even as blood loss and pain takes its toll on your mood and energy level.

32. Enjoy overcooked pot roast with husband. Glare at him when he offers, “The extra thumb means extra yum!” Announce that you’ll be ordering take-out for the next two weeks.

Comments

[tiny cricket]

i have to delurk for this one...let's just say that we've had our share of meals made with blood, sweat and tears...and not necessarily from the same person...crying babies and cooking food can have interesting results...thanks for the laugh. =)

[Jen]

Seriously, laughing out loud "Extra thumb means extra yum" you guys crack my ass up.

[Sarcastic Journalist]

would you like to join my "TV rejected me" club? and i agree what you said about the dog.

never trust anything that eats poo.

[karyn]

With that comment from your husband, and "pretty Rambo" the other week, I can only imagine what your days are like.

Hope your thumb feels better. I had a similar experience last week, only with a bread knife and sourdough bread (damn crusty crust). And we were out of Blue's CLue's bandaids, so I had to resort to crappy cheap SImpson's ones.

[victoria]

Hilarious. But I couldn't help wondering, when was your last tetanus shot? Did you need stitches? Are you sure you didn't need to go to the hospital? Sounds like a lot of bleeding . . .

[lorna]

One time when my great grandmother was shredding cabbage for coleslaw, she decided to go ahead and grate some of her knuckles in it for extra flavor. She never noticed, but everyone else noticed the special ingredient in the coleslaw.

[kelly]

Oh no. Ouch.

"Extra thumb means extra yum," that man's a keeper.

[bethiecow]

Oooohhh, my thumbs. My thumbs hurt.

[Em]

I once cheese-grated my finger. Kitchen injuries suck dog butts.

But the "extra-thumb!" cracked me up, and THAT is what's important.

[Lady]

OH.MY.GOD.

Can you get that on a T-shirt?

The saying...not the nub.

[Susan]

Ah, the meaty flap . . . last spring, Smaller Son tipped a table over on Bigger Son's foot, taking off (you guessed it) the so-called 'meaty flap'. No stitches necessary, but a SHOCKING amount of blood, and, of course, said meaty flap (just thought I'd say it again) stuck to the underside of an otherwise lovely Ikea end table.

And now it's time for me to make dinner. Pot roast, anyone?

[sac]

Ha, pretty rambo and now extra thumb. See, us men are funnier. ha!

[stillheidi]

Sorry....but that was some funny ass shit!! Hope your thumb heels up right quick!

[MelissaS]

sweet jesus you're funny.

[val]

funny stuff!! love that it made me snort my water and laugh out loud in my university's library!! thanks for the chuckle...even though your thumb super suffered.

extra-thumb...HA!

[Charlotte Freeman]

Oh lordy -- a couple of years ago, while home alone (the brother/roommate was in Texas visiting our cousin, a smart ass if ever there was one) I took a smoky roasting chicken out of the oven, and while putting it on the counter, managed to knock the fancy-dan, very sharp, French knife off the counter. Before my brain could kick in, I saw my hand reaching for said knife as it flipped through the air. Of course, it sliced through the top of my thumb, leaving a big bloody slice just above the first knuckle. I wrapped it in a towel, corralled the puppy in his crate, found my insurance card, packed a book, and headed off for the emergency room. When they told me it would be a four hour wait, I looked a the nurse and said "Do you think I really need stitches?" She deadpanned right back, "You drove yourself down here, didn't you?" Three hours later, after a cheery chat with a nice Indian intern, I had three big fat stitches in my thumb, and had been roundly mocked by my brother and cousin Jason from a restaurant in Texas. Sigh.

[Gen]

Been there! I sliced the top of my thumb off while using a mandoline, and had to get 4 stitches. Never occurred to me to salvage the meat flap; I was too mesmerized by the site of my body's interior. To this day I can't think about knives or mandolines without my poor thumb tucking itself under my other fingers in fear.

[Coralie]

Oh god. My belly hurts from laughing so hard!

I currently have three- that's THREE- fingers with a the dreaded skin flaps. One from my fabulous new knitting scissors and two from the mandoline. The boy is starting to think that I just want smaller hands, and I'm having a harder time defending myself as the wounds rack up.

I feel your pain.

Really.

[dr. dave]

I read this aloud to my wife... through tears.

Other peoples' pain and suffering is funny!!

[Mir]

At least he didn't say "Extra thumb means the cook is dumb" or anything. *ducking* ;)

[julia]

Oh, my dear God that sounds painful. And you sound brave! I would have had the entire neighborhood mustered to make my funeral arrangements, while signing the divorce papers because my husband didn't get to me fast enough to help me be in pain. I am the biggest wuss on the face of the earth.

I hope you aren't in too much pain anymore ...

[Elaine]

I think I just peed a little.

You crack me up.

[Pattie]

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. Tears are streaming down my face.

[Wendy]

Alice....stumbled across your blog recently. You are as funny and well-spoken/written as ever, if not more so. Congrats on all the success of your blog and to Henry for being such a great muse at only (nearly) 2 and a half! Our best from out west - W, P, A (and now J)

[erinire]

f**k koeppel. and nightline. or dateline. or whatever. good luck with the meaty flap.