Hi, I'm panicky.

What's with me? With the not-posting? I have no excuses. Actually I have an entire rucksack full of them, but I will spare you.

First of all, I have been terribly remiss regarding informing you of my Wonderland posts. New posts here and here. Also, there's also an interview with me in the videos, under "Keyboard Confidential" (which I would link to if I could figure out how), in which I murmur and look an awful lot like my late Irish grandmother. All I need is a Manhattan and wispy blue hair, and I could scare the shit out of my father.

Now marvel as I abruptly change the subject. Aaaaand… go!

I've always lacked confidence regarding my ability to move through space. There was the Bike-Learning Failure of '73-'78, the Roller Skating Catastrophe of '79, the Uneven Bars Horror of '83. And then there was driving. I never had the slightest interest in driving, except inasmuch as it could get you places, and I liked places. I had never even sat in a driver's seat, when I found myself in just such a seat, my foot on the pedal, in a driver's ed car, careening down Main Street. I don't remember much from driver's ed, but I do recall a lot of screaming, most of it not coming out of my own mouth. I may have hit a few things. Not surprisingly, I failed. I took Driver's Ed all over again. I passed, but barely. I failed the driver's test. I figured that this was a sign that I should be chaffeured everywhere, but my parents made me take it again. I passed, but just slightly.

Then I moved away, away from the Land Where Everyone Drove, and that was that for twenty years. For twenty years I haven't had to drive. I think I drove a few times in college, when my a cappella group (don't laugh) went on tour. There was a familiar screaming sound, when I did that. My fellow a cappella mates stopped asking me to drive. I moved to the city, where no one had cars. I was all set.

But then I moved here. Figuring I would get used to driving, I moved to this place. And I did, mostly. I was a little sweaty-palmed for the first couple of months, but now I can get around town without a problem. Then I tried to drive on the highway.

And I completely freaked out.

Without going into too much detail about it because reliving it makes me want to die, here was how much I was freaking out: my vision tunneled. I was fairly certain that I was going to throw up on myself. I lost all feeling in my arms. My hands were sweating so badly that they were slipping off the steering wheel. My hearing went all funny. Then I started crying, which, in addition to the tunnel vision, made it awfully hard to see. I got off at the nearest exit.

I was probably on the highway for ten or fifteen minutes. That was one year ago.

I know what you're going to say. I can hear you saying it. Highway driving is scary, you're saying. You have to keep on trying! It's a skill! You'll get better! Do you always use all those exclamation points, when you're talking?

What we have here is not a lack of confidence—well, okay, it IS a lack of confidence, but also it is a fear that grips so tightly to me that I can no longer reason. I've tried driving on the highway a couple of times since then. I've tried to work through it. I did some cognitive behavioral therapy, I learned about dealing with panic and breathing the right way and I tried talking myself through the panic, blar de blar, and I am here to tell you that I cannot. I don't want to sound defeatist, here, but all the talking to myself and breathing just makes me calm enough that I don't run off the road and run screaming from the car. I can manage it, but I still get the numbness and the tunnel vision and the nausea—and the sweating, don't forget the sweating!—and I feel absolutely dreadful.

I tried going on the Garden State Parkway last week. My panic was so intense that I was nauseated for days afterward. It was like I had been poisoned. Why would I put myself through that again? Except, you know, for all the really smart reasons, like I need to get around and do things and be independent and GOD SHUT UP WITH YOUR REASONABLE ATTITUDE.

I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean it. It's the fear, is all. It's got ahold of me.

All of this is leading up to one question, which is: what do you think of hypnosis? Anyone? Anyone?

Comments

[Vanda]

My granddaughter in CA is scared of driving. She wants to move to San Francisco so she can take public transport.

I drove for 25 years and have been back home since 2000. Ummmmm I haven't got an English driving license yet. I'm so scared of driving on these small roads and on the wrong side. I have to take lessons next year. No way out of it any more.

I feel for you kiddo.

[EmDee]

Highway driving fears suck. Like a previous commenter, I live in Burlington, Vermont, and I can say that it is rather pleasant to shoot through the rolling hills on I-89, early in the morning.

But put me near an actual city, with actual agressive drivers, and I start freaking out. Hope you find some sort of therapy that works.

Also, oddly, I think we went to the same college, and I, too, was in an a cappella group. Tupelo, Widow or Blue Note?

[Shannon]

I was always a slightly nervous driver while on the highway then 7 years ago another car hit me and I spun and hit a guardrail at 60 miles per hour. When I got my new car it took about 2 months to get back on the highway. One of the first times I did it began to snow, not flurries but honest to goodness blizzard snow and ice. My tires lost their grip and my car spun 180 degrees until I was traveling backwards staring at the traffic coming towards me.

For years after I wouldn't even ride on the highway with other drivers because of the paralyzing fear you describe but I'm happy to say that got tired of being afraid and just today I was driving on a highway by myself and I sort of even forgot how scary it was.

No matter how you do something it can be done. If hypnosis is your thing that's great. As long as you stop saying that you cannot, because it's just not true. It took me 6 years but I did it, 1 mile at a time. I know you can too.

[ozma]

I've never done hypnosis for phobias. I've done it for other things. Fears, actually, but not quite as intense as the one you describe. Also, to learn to fall asleep like a normal person.

It worked for me. Very well. Perhaps I am highly suggestible so I can't say it will work for everyone. But why not try it?

[lee anne]

the first year i lived in DC i closed my eyes when my husband drove - terrifying. i know nothing about getting over anxiety or phobias, but i do kinda like the thought of never taking the highway... yeah, sometimes it'll suck, but it's like taking the scenic route. Everywhere.

I'm inspired.

[Stella Devine]

I just wrote a post about EMDR. It's called EMDR, or the Emperor's New Clothes. You can read it here:http://stelladevine.livejournal.com/

And it was Hypnobabies that in no small part led to the trauma that necessitated the EMDR in the first place.

I'm not a huge fan of hypnotherapy in any of its hokey forms.

[Robin in San Jose]

What you are experiencing sounds like a classing panic attack. Xanax works for that, but I seem to recall an earlier post where you address trying to get off of that med or another with pretty bad effects. In any case, sounds like it merits a trip to the doctor. My sister gets really bad panic attacks when flying, but uses an anti panic attack med with pretty stunning success. Good luck.

[R]

After consulting Dr. Google about my own panic attacks, which, now that I think about it, seemed to come along most often while driving (I didn't know there were so many of us out there! hi!), I started picturing a moment when I was all-out out-of-control laughing when I felt the attack coming on. The scene I envision always makes me giggle when I think about it, so it snaps me out of it. Now, my attacks have never been as severe, but still--it has worked for me, is all I can say.

[Amy]

I've had hypnosis a couple times now, for very different reasons, it is always very effective for me and I have changed some really unproductive living patterns through hypnosis! I say go for it! It certainly can't hurt anything! :)

[Beth]

I knew someone whose mother never learned to drive until her husband died. Then she realized how much independence she'd missed out on. I don't know you, but I don't want you to miss out on anything!

Someone may have already said this by now, but...IMO, sure, try hypnosis if you want. Maybe it will help. The more practical side of me, however, says sign up with a driving school, and drive in a car with an actual instructor. Get a woman instructor -- not that I have anything against male driving instructors, but something tells me a female teacher would be a good thing in this case. Ask questions beforehand: Have they taught highly anxious drivers before? Have they taught adults (i.e., not teenagers)? Do they have one of those way cool cars with dual controls in case the teacher needs to brake for you (because I think dual controls are the *only* way to go in this situation)? Tell them about your anxiety and past experience, and don't be afraid to shop around for the right teacher who is compassionate, yet who pushes you a little bit at a time.

Maybe do the hypnosis in conjunction with this. But definitely get a driver's training teacher. I think it's the most methodical (and safest!) way to overcome the driving issue. *hugs*

[Joe]

I don't know about hypnosis, but I do know that I love the way you write.

[Suniverse]

I have that fear. It's debilitating and exhausting and it keeps me from living my life "normally" (i.e., well, I'll apply for that job, but not that one, because the side street commute would either be 5 hours or through the ghetto). I try, every once in a while, to get on the freeway and drive.

Today I managed to go 3 miles (YAY! GO ME! ON THE FREEWAY!).

I don't have the shakes and I feel pretty damn good about myself.

So, in short, it will take time, but try every once in a while (it's been about 4 years since I could drive comfortably on the freeway).

[Yak]

Definitely try hypnosis. It worked for my lifelong nail-biting habit. I was super-skeptical but figured I had nothing to lose except a few bucks, so I went in there and tried to keep an open mind. I didn't cluck like a chicken or reach Nirvana or anything, so I figured it hadn't worked, but au contraire. The only slight downside I had is that it wort of wore off after about six months, but you have a phobia rather than a bad habit, so you probably won't have that problem. And if the first person you try is a kook, try another. Just make sure they're trained and certified in something medical-sounding rather than just having the largest ad with the cutest clip art in the Yellow Pages.

[dimplecheek]

Alice, as a person who regularly drives on the freeway (although not in your area)I say thank you for not driving when it makes you feel that way. It's unsafe for you, your passengers and the general freeway population. I'm terrified at the thought of skydiving. I could try hypnosis to oversome this fear, but skydiving isn't something I HAVE to do. If driving on the freeway is for you, it can't hurt to try. My advice would be make sure this is a fear you really want to overcome. Otherwise, I don't think it will work. Ah, clarity. Good luck either way and let us know how it is going.

[School Bus Driver]

I am a school bus driver and the thought of being on the road with someone who is having a panic attack because they are afraid of driving, I can't even explain how much that frightens me. I have to drive the bus, remember all the laws that pertain to driving a bus, keep an eye on up to 84 kids on the bus, remember my routes for 3 different schools, stay on schedule, watch out for drivers that are distrated by cell phones, food, the kids in their cars, oh did I mention that I have to drive near a high school -- teen drivers are not taught courtesy in drivers ed and they all seem to head for school 5 minutes before class begins, and the number of drivers who think that the school bus red light law does not apply to them is staggering. I could go on but I will stop there. Possibly the best thing for you to do is to take a drivers education course again. Sounds like it has been awhile since you learned to drive and the course work and the behind the wheel training would be good for you.

[carosgram]

I have no idea if hypnosis would work or not. I can and have driven on the superhighways for years. But I don't enjoy it. And so lately I have just taken the side roads to get where I wanted to go. Because everyone else is on the superhighway, I find that I make just as good time going on the secondary routes and there is much more to see and a lot less stress. So my advice is to just drive on the regular streets. You can get anywhere you want to go and not get stressed out. JMHO

[Heather]

Alice,

I have no advice, only sympathy. As a former city-dweller (aka walker/bus/subway-rider)I feel your pain. Our move to the burbs has meant all sorts of driving, and the highway kind is my least favorite. I just got back from visiting a friend's new baby in the city, and between driving on the Merrit Pkway and in and out of Manhattan, I feel like I dropped acid and went through an obstacle course.

[aimee/greeblemonkey]

I am sure you have not been following it, but I have a 10+ year history with night terrors. I was in talk therapy as a tween after I did some stupid things after my dad died, and my therapist did hypnosis on my during that period. Honestly, I got nothing out of it - but I also think I was nowhere to a point of being ready for therapy either.

I went back to talk therapy about 3 years ago when the night terrors hit a crescendo (aka beating the crap out of my husband)... and basically over the past 3 years we have figured out that the night terrors (and my behavior as a tween) stem from abusive stuff with my dad as a child. I suffer from panic and generalized anxiety disorder as a result of it.

In my case, after an extensive sleep study that also diagnosed "arousal disorder" - a name my hubby had a blast with! - I ended up on crazy meds :)

Which in my case were my saving grace. Virtually no night terrors for 9 months now. My therapist and I have discussed EMDR at great length and it's still on the table - however, I have been having dreams now, not night terrors (huge difference) and she feels that the dreams are my minds way of sorting out my panic and filing it away in my brain.

So, hopefully I am finally on the road to recovery.

I can tell you, though, I have NO IDEA why I don't have an ulcer. When the crazy meds kicked in, I was shocked to realize how much acid my stomach had been pumping ALL FRICKING DAY LONG.

And as I look back at all my blathering, I realize I have offered you no real advice, just pretty much dumped all my crap all over your blog.

Just know you are not alone.

[Mia]

ALice, I don't have advice except that I feel for you. It took me 2 years and 5 tests to pass my driving test. I am terrified of driving. I avoid highways at all costs as well. We moved to NYC 2 years ago and it has been heaven in terms of driving but I know that eventually we will move someplace where I will need to drive in order to do anything and I am dreading that day. My sisters actually make fun of me saying that if something were to happen to them and they need to go to a hospital that I would rather call a cab then drive in Manhattan and they might be not that far from the truth.As far as hypnosis go I say you have nothing to lose so try it.

[RH]

Absolutely Hypnosis! Hypnosis for all the other drivers who tailgate, drive like demons from hell, cut you off, ignore your turn signal and won't let you in. Have them believe they are all Mother Teresa, Buddah, Ghandi, or some equivalent. Have them decide to drive courteously and carefully, at the speed limit, obeying the traffic laws, submitting to the laws of existing authorities. Have them care deeply from the heart about others. You won't need hypnosis for yourself. Otherwise get ready to battle with demons from hell on roads engineered for far fewer vehicles many years ago. There's realy nothing wrong with you. You value your life and health.