Hi, I'm panicky.
August 21, 2007What's with me? With the not-posting? I have no excuses. Actually I have an entire rucksack full of them, but I will spare you.
First of all, I have been terribly remiss regarding informing you of my Wonderland posts. New posts here and here. Also, there's also an interview with me in the videos, under "Keyboard Confidential" (which I would link to if I could figure out how), in which I murmur and look an awful lot like my late Irish grandmother. All I need is a Manhattan and wispy blue hair, and I could scare the shit out of my father.
Now marvel as I abruptly change the subject. Aaaaand… go!
I've always lacked confidence regarding my ability to move through space. There was the Bike-Learning Failure of '73-'78, the Roller Skating Catastrophe of '79, the Uneven Bars Horror of '83. And then there was driving. I never had the slightest interest in driving, except inasmuch as it could get you places, and I liked places. I had never even sat in a driver's seat, when I found myself in just such a seat, my foot on the pedal, in a driver's ed car, careening down Main Street. I don't remember much from driver's ed, but I do recall a lot of screaming, most of it not coming out of my own mouth. I may have hit a few things. Not surprisingly, I failed. I took Driver's Ed all over again. I passed, but barely. I failed the driver's test. I figured that this was a sign that I should be chaffeured everywhere, but my parents made me take it again. I passed, but just slightly.
Then I moved away, away from the Land Where Everyone Drove, and that was that for twenty years. For twenty years I haven't had to drive. I think I drove a few times in college, when my a cappella group (don't laugh) went on tour. There was a familiar screaming sound, when I did that. My fellow a cappella mates stopped asking me to drive. I moved to the city, where no one had cars. I was all set.
But then I moved here. Figuring I would get used to driving, I moved to this place. And I did, mostly. I was a little sweaty-palmed for the first couple of months, but now I can get around town without a problem. Then I tried to drive on the highway.
And I completely freaked out.
Without going into too much detail about it because reliving it makes me want to die, here was how much I was freaking out: my vision tunneled. I was fairly certain that I was going to throw up on myself. I lost all feeling in my arms. My hands were sweating so badly that they were slipping off the steering wheel. My hearing went all funny. Then I started crying, which, in addition to the tunnel vision, made it awfully hard to see. I got off at the nearest exit.
I was probably on the highway for ten or fifteen minutes. That was one year ago.
I know what you're going to say. I can hear you saying it. Highway driving is scary, you're saying. You have to keep on trying! It's a skill! You'll get better! Do you always use all those exclamation points, when you're talking?
What we have here is not a lack of confidence—well, okay, it IS a lack of confidence, but also it is a fear that grips so tightly to me that I can no longer reason. I've tried driving on the highway a couple of times since then. I've tried to work through it. I did some cognitive behavioral therapy, I learned about dealing with panic and breathing the right way and I tried talking myself through the panic, blar de blar, and I am here to tell you that I cannot. I don't want to sound defeatist, here, but all the talking to myself and breathing just makes me calm enough that I don't run off the road and run screaming from the car. I can manage it, but I still get the numbness and the tunnel vision and the nausea—and the sweating, don't forget the sweating!—and I feel absolutely dreadful.
I tried going on the Garden State Parkway last week. My panic was so intense that I was nauseated for days afterward. It was like I had been poisoned. Why would I put myself through that again? Except, you know, for all the really smart reasons, like I need to get around and do things and be independent and GOD SHUT UP WITH YOUR REASONABLE ATTITUDE.
I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean it. It's the fear, is all. It's got ahold of me.
All of this is leading up to one question, which is: what do you think of hypnosis? Anyone? Anyone?
Reader Comments (95)
It's worth a try. If nothing else, hypnosis sessions are very relaxing. Like a facial, but without the picking of blackheads.
Once I was so panicked about having to drive on the highway that I let this boy WHO DIDN'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE pioneer my car -- and when I say "my" car, I actually mean "my parents' car," responsible or what? -- down 1-95, because he didn't want to go the long route that I would have driven to avoid the highway. What an ass that guy was, now that I think about it.
But yes, driving -- especially highway driving -- is right up there with gouging my eyes out with a blunt butter knife for me. I think it's more that I don't trust the other drivers, more than that I don't trust myself.
So what I'm trying to say is when we lived in Jersey, we avoided highways like they were the plague. Actually, it's amazing how much faster it is to move around in that state if you use back roads...
But you didn't ask about that... you asked about hypnosis. I say it's worth a shot. I mean, chances are if it doesn't work it won't make you any more worse off than you already are.
And don't be embarrassed about explaining what you need. I'm convinced that those of us with a large amount of fear of driving are in fact the saner, better drivers- we don't treat a spin down the freeway as an opportunity to relive our teenage years playing "Frogger", so we drive more safely.
Also, my girlfriend, who does drive but not very well, once asked me to teach her to ride my motorbike. This lasted about ten minutes. We never got out of the parking lot. She rode straight over a curb and 90 degrees because she couldn't master the idea that breaking and throttling are exclusive propositions. Moreover, the bike was a CVT, you don't have to change gears.
I think you'll do just fine in the long run.
That said, several years ago I started having panic attacks - not related to driving, just sorta out of the blue. I'd be doing my thing, be-bopping through life, and WHAMMO! Sweaty, tunnel vision, can't breathe, about to pass out, etc. Not fun. I saw a hypnotherapist for it and the panic attacks stopped immediately. I'm sure hypnosis isn't for everyone, but I'm in the "hey, it can't hurt to try it" camp.
Good luck.
I drove the 5 minutes of highway to the closer (and superior i might add) Target for the first time this past weekend. For the past year since we moved I had been going to one 20 minutes further away but accessible by non-highway route. I had to talk to myself the entire way to keep from freaking out completely. When I got home I felt like I had climbed an Alp or something. Very hopeful that hypnosis or EMDR or something works for you. I would be willing to try anything. Except maybe giving up sugar. Don't tell me I have to give up sugar.
Tried hypnosis to quit smoking and found it did not help. 5 sessions and $200. Maybe it works for other people but not me. Think I was too insecure to totally let loose. Don't know. Might work for you.
Think getting more experience on the road might be the ticket though. Lessons or having someone you trust to help you through...
I had two sessions of hypnotherapy and now I can even hold a tarantula. The little skittery spiders don't even make my skin crawl.
Give HT a try. Sounds like it would be a good gamble.
if i moved to a major massive metropolis i would have to do that. even though i drive now (but have only been so doing for four years). i could not get on the Garden State Parkway without major support, i tell you. i would feel exactly the way you felt. seriously. i would think oh my gawd we are all about to meet our maker. becuase when i panic while driving i do this:
SWERVE, BANG, CRASH.
it's not ideal.
get the instructor thing going. pay what you must and go for it.
and ps, holding a tarantula??? what kind of madness is that!