Here's the thing.
May 12, 2008I know I can have another baby—at least, I'm pretty sure—but right now I don't want another baby. I want the one I had. I saw that baby on the ultrasound, and I liked that baby. That baby was MINE. I spent hours staring at the print-out of what essentially was a gummy bear, and cooing over it. I decided it was some kind of genius baby. In the picture we have, it's kind of sticking its arms out, like it's waving hello at us. Genius! Clearly! Having people tell me that it's for the best, that I'll have another, that what I'm going through right now is all hormones, does not address the difficulty I'm having with the whole idea of THIS baby being gone. Indeed, it seems to imply that the baby wasn't real or meaningful to me. Having someone define the words I wrote in the throes of all this as "good thing it died, because it might have been disabled" makes me want to tear that person's throat out. No. I lost my baby, and it was a good baby, and it was the one I wanted. I realize I never met it, and that I'm not making any rational kind of sense. I realize said baby might have been a genetically nonviable scramble of material. But only I can say that. As for you, you badmouth my baby and I will kick you in the teeth.
I'm a little angry, these days.
Reader Comments (307)
I miscarried twice. At 7 and 10 weeks and I'm 25 weeks pregnant now. I'm STILL in panic mode, but not nearly as bad as I was for the first 12 weeks thinking that every pain, every cramp, every time I didn't feel like throwing up was a sign that this one wasn't going to stick either.
While it may ease with time and not consume your every thought, there will come a time - a time when you do get pregnant again, that it will be back. This kind of grief. It doesn't ever disappear.
I'm so sorry, Alice. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
But I know some people are horrified by that thought, and find it cold and absolutely un-comforting. Your grief is unique, just as unique as that little bundle of cells was, and you'll work through it in your own way and your own time.
And frankly, for all my brave words, I too still have the pee stick and early ultrasound pic from that pregnancy. I just can't quite bear to give them up, even if it wasn't really a baby. And from time to time, I do wonder what life would have been like with that not-a-baby.
I'm so sorry for what you've lost, Alice. I hope you find some comfort, some way.
I swear I wanted to kick the shit out of all of them. But after I got passed my anger, I realized that even though there words were completely not what I wanted or needed to hear, they were coming from a good place. A place in thier hearts where they wanted to offer comfort but didn't know how.
Be angry. Get mad. Ever feeling you are feeling right now is right and legitimate. You lost your baby and mourning is what you need to do.
You're in my thoughts.
When my mother died unexpectedly 6 years ago, people said the craziest things to me.
God needed her (I fuckin' needed her - nevermind god), at least she went quickly (ya, so I never had a chance to say goodbye), at least she didn't suffer (how the hell do you know? she was alone)
I wanted to kick the crap out of all of them. But once I started to get over my anger, I realized that even though the things they weren't what I needed to hear or offered me comfort, they were coming from a good place - a place that WANTED to offer me comfort but just didn't know how. After that, I stopped listening to the words and started listening to the caring behind the words.
Be mad. Yell. Scream. Cry. Whatever you are feeling is legitimate. You lost your baby and are mourning.
You are in my thoughts.
Please know that you have every right to do and think and feel exactly as you want. Your emotions are your own. No one else gets to comment. Tell 'em to sod off.
We didn't want you to goWe just thought you should knowYou slipped through our handsJust like a balloon returns to the skySo Dad and IKnew you'd be somewhere out in the seaIn a million sandcastles to be...
I remember hearing it the first time thinking, can a song like this really be on a kids CD? Can you do that? But it's a beautiful, sad, and true sentiment.
Alice, I am so sorry for your loss. I have no advice for you getting through this. I know that you can find your own way through this difficult situation as best you can. I would bake you a casserole if I could, though.
We knew what you meant. Well, most of us did. And perhaps those who didn't were just looking to be offended. Most people know exactly what you meant. If this baby - this wonderful, lovely, baby you loved already - was not going to get to be, the only tiny glimmer of something positive to find to say, is that perhaps the pain is less to find that out now than to find it out later when you have loved the baby even longer. That's all.
We knew what you meant. Well, most of us did. And perhaps those who didn't were just looking to be offended. Most people know exactly what you meant. If this baby - this wonderful, lovely, baby you loved already - was not going to get to be, the only tiny glimmer of something positive to find to say, is that perhaps the pain is less to find that out now than to find it out later when you have loved the baby even longer. That's all.
I'm glad you're angry about it. You don't deserve to have on your mind on top of everything else.
What you're going through is, I think, the toughest thing a parent can go through; You lost a child. You need to do whatever helps you grieve and if kicking teeth is what does it, I say get that douche and kick them first.
Im so sorry for your loss, Im so sorry that somebody made you feel even worse about it, that they made you feel guilty. Good luck and take the time you need to grieve not anybody else's.
I would just like to recommend to people that read blogs, please view what the writer says as their perspective. Please don't try to force them to see the world from your point of view or become offended that they have not explored every possible view point in their post. That's not what blogs are about. Not only is it not possible, but if you don't ever want a different perspective than your own, quit reading blogs. And while you are at it, you should probably stay in bed with the covers over your head, the blinds pulled, the TV off, and with no magazines or newspapers around. People have different opinions from you. Get over it.
I hope you're able to find peace soon.