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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« And here's my last whiny post of 2005. | Main | Happy Birthday, Dad--and Jesus, too! »
Wednesday
Dec212005

Here's something old and dusty. Merry Christmas!

I found this in my blog-writings folder today. Apparently I wrote it! Who knew! Anyway, happy Christmas, and merry seasonings, and I am going away now.

***

Dear prospective parent,

Thank you for considering parenting me. As my current situation is somewhat wanting, I am, as you know, looking for a new arrangement. Below is a list of my demands.

I. FOOD

1. For breakfast, there will be only MILK from my SIPPY CUP while watching TELEVISION (see section II).

2. From “breakfast” until what you probably call “lunch,” I will be provided with an unending supply of cookies. No arguments.

3. For LUNCH, I will eat YOGURT. Anything with FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM will make me pick out the fruit and throw it on the ground, or else throw it up on your carpet.

a. So no FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM.

 

 

4. From LUNCH until DINNER, I enjoy having something to lick. Why not a LOLLIPOP? Why not seven?

a. Between licks, I may place the LOLLIPOP upon your grandmother’s Turkish rug. This will be OKAY by you.

 

 

5. For DINNER, I have MACARONI AND CHEESE. Any attempts to offer me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in TEARS.

a. And don’t you dare hide anything in the cheese sauce, because my god, how you will RUE THE DAY.

 

 

6. After dinner, you may provide me with ICE CREAM.

a. No frozen yogurt—I know the DIFFERENCE.

 

 


II. TELEVISION

1. Will be ALL THE TIME, unless I say differently. While watching TELEVISION, you are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, whilst I enjoy my shows.

a. You may arise to fetch me a SNACK or a DRINK.

 

 

2. No DIAPER CHANGING or PLEAS TO ENGAGE IN PHYSICAL ACTIVITY will be tolerated during the watching of the TELEVISION.

3. Turning off of the television will result in much SCREAMING.

III. TOYS

1. There will be many.

a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I may simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.

b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small bits. I enjoy the SHOOTING NOISES that go w-shooooop or zim zim zim.

c. Nothing that results in LEARNING, please.

 

 

IV. FRIENDS

1. Should be available should I be in the mood to use someone else’s TOYS or ingest someone else’s COOKIES.

a. They may not ever so much as look at my toys or cookie supply.

b. Ever ever ever.

 

 

V. SLEEP

1. Is when I say, where I say, and how I say. If I want to sleep UPSIDE DOWN with my legs locked around your neck, then that’s how it will be.

a. And you will enjoy it.

 

 

VI. AFFECTION

1. Occasionally I enjoy being hugged and kissed. I stress OCCASIONALLY.

2. I will not be pelted with wet-mouthed assaults on an hourly basis. Should you feel the need to HUG or KISS, you must provide me with a written request, and then wait for me to offer you my pudgy cheeks.

3. Should I feel the need to be HUGGED and KISSED or SERENADED by my original “parents,” I reserve the right to call them and have them come over, just for the HUGGING and the KISSING and maybe a SONG.

a. After that, it’s vamoose, bozos—you had your chance.

 

Reader Comments (47)

He said nothing about sorbet!
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastic Journalist
I've read you a couple of times and your posts always make me smile.- thanks.
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterkatkat
Oh man, stop the funny. Too. Much. Funny.
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered Commentershannon
LOVING the Toddler Manifesto!

Of course, MY precious carge (9 weeks old now) will never, ever make such demands. Surely not! :-)

Merry Christmas, Finslippy!
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered Commentercagey
That's right, Cagey--it's definitely something I did wrong. Keep telling yourself that. Merry Christmas to you too!
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Thanks for the laugh. And thanks for not sticking to your plan of 17 days of vacation. You're the best.
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCherie
Brilliant! Spoken from a true parent - one that doesn't mind the truth of children. Love it!
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSassy8877
Alice, is Henry your crowning achievement or are there plans for another in the future? I am new to your blog so if there is an archive on this subject, just direct me to it.

See, I was watching this inane show on Bravo about Christmas when suddenly there showed up this funny meowing woman in a burgundy satin shirt with huge pit stains. I saw your name and that you were a comedy writer for Finslippy. I thought, Finslippy? Is that that new comedy on CBS? So I googled it and lo and behold it is no sitcom, but a wonderfully witty blog. And I have been a fan ever since.

Okay, I am kidding!! I actually linked to you through another blog a few weeks ago and I have had a great time reading your archives. And I really am a fan. Thanks for being you. And for doing such a damn fine job of making your life great reading. :)
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
You are HYSTERICAL...no, wait, I am! Let me just say that you are my First: I have never read a Blog before. Oh sure, I 've heard about 'em, but I guess I have just been too busy being a 42 year-old high school teacher who is still breastfeeding her 26 month-old son. How did I end up here? I think I Googled "bitter-apple and weaning"-- go figure. This is priceless, and I have instantly become your devoted slave...
December 23, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterValorie
Happy holidays!

I hope the new year brings many blessings for you.

Love, Sassy.
December 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSassy
"And you will enjoy it." OH YES, YOU WILL.

Fabulous. Happy Holidays, Finslippies!
December 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEm
oh you are funny. merry christmas.
December 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCarol
My God, I love you. Thanks for all of the laughter.
December 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDM
Happy Holidays! Hope you and yours have a safe, wonderful holiday season.
December 25, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKA
I'll have you know I lost a mouthful of coffee reading this! You owe me 1/8 tsp of 'gourment' Dunkin Donuts coffee mix... or grinds, whatever the hell it's called.

This is the funniest thing I've read today!
December 28, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKestrel
Okay...that's so funny that I just shot Dr. Pepper out of my nose.
December 28, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterwordgirl
Thank God I read this at home....it is really unsightly when I laugh so hard I spit cherry soda out of my nose!
December 28, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterShrinking Violet
can i just say that even though i am 19 years old and nowhere near being a mama, i LOVE your blog? i read it all the time!so even though i'm usually more concerned with the type of juice thats been you know... fermented a bit, i read all the time. and you make me laugh. ten points to you.
December 28, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterlaur
This was hilarious...I can particularly appreciate the breakfast clause about milk in a sippy cup in front of the television!
December 29, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterKristen
oh my gawd that is the funniest!
December 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterCandice
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!
December 30, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSpencer
So my life. But please add to Section I the suggested paragraph 7: If and when I ingest something that is not pleasing to me, I reserve the right to immediately and without forewarning deposit such offensive material into or upon your hand or upon any other available part of your body, without regard to the manner of your dress or public nature of our location.
January 11, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

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