I found this in my blog-writings folder today. Apparently I wrote it! Who knew! Anyway, happy Christmas, and merry seasonings, and I am going away now.
Dear prospective parent,
Thank you for considering parenting me. As my current situation is somewhat wanting, I am, as you know, looking for a new arrangement. Below is a list of my demands.
1. For breakfast, there will be only MILK from my SIPPY CUP while watching TELEVISION (see section II).
2. From “breakfast” until what you probably call “lunch,” I will be provided with an unending supply of cookies. No arguments.
3. For LUNCH, I will eat YOGURT. Anything with FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM will make me pick out the fruit and throw it on the ground, or else throw it up on your carpet.
a. So no FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM.
4. From LUNCH until DINNER, I enjoy having something to lick. Why not a LOLLIPOP? Why not seven?
a. Between licks, I may place the LOLLIPOP upon your grandmother’s Turkish rug. This will be OKAY by you.
5. For DINNER, I have MACARONI AND CHEESE. Any attempts to offer me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in TEARS.
a. And don’t you dare hide anything in the cheese sauce, because my god, how you will RUE THE DAY.
6. After dinner, you may provide me with ICE CREAM.
a. No frozen yogurt—I know the DIFFERENCE.
1. Will be ALL THE TIME, unless I say differently. While watching TELEVISION, you are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, whilst I enjoy my shows.
a. You may arise to fetch me a SNACK or a DRINK.
2. No DIAPER CHANGING or PLEAS TO ENGAGE IN PHYSICAL ACTIVITY will be tolerated during the watching of the TELEVISION.
3. Turning off of the television will result in much SCREAMING.
1. There will be many.
a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I may simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.
b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small bits. I enjoy the SHOOTING NOISES that go w-shooooop or zim zim zim.
c. Nothing that results in LEARNING, please.
1. Should be available should I be in the mood to use someone else’s TOYS or ingest someone else’s COOKIES.
a. They may not ever so much as look at my toys or cookie supply.
b. Ever ever ever.
1. Is when I say, where I say, and how I say. If I want to sleep UPSIDE DOWN with my legs locked around your neck, then that’s how it will be.
a. And you will enjoy it.
1. Occasionally I enjoy being hugged and kissed. I stress OCCASIONALLY.
2. I will not be pelted with wet-mouthed assaults on an hourly basis. Should you feel the need to HUG or KISS, you must provide me with a written request, and then wait for me to offer you my pudgy cheeks.
3. Should I feel the need to be HUGGED and KISSED or SERENADED by my original “parents,” I reserve the right to call them and have them come over, just for the HUGGING and the KISSING and maybe a SONG.
a. After that, it’s vamoose, bozos—you had your chance.