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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« And here's my last whiny post of 2005. | Main | Happy Birthday, Dad--and Jesus, too! »
Wednesday
Dec212005

Here's something old and dusty. Merry Christmas!

I found this in my blog-writings folder today. Apparently I wrote it! Who knew! Anyway, happy Christmas, and merry seasonings, and I am going away now.

***

Dear prospective parent,

Thank you for considering parenting me. As my current situation is somewhat wanting, I am, as you know, looking for a new arrangement. Below is a list of my demands.

I. FOOD

1. For breakfast, there will be only MILK from my SIPPY CUP while watching TELEVISION (see section II).

2. From “breakfast” until what you probably call “lunch,” I will be provided with an unending supply of cookies. No arguments.

3. For LUNCH, I will eat YOGURT. Anything with FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM will make me pick out the fruit and throw it on the ground, or else throw it up on your carpet.

a. So no FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM.

 

 

4. From LUNCH until DINNER, I enjoy having something to lick. Why not a LOLLIPOP? Why not seven?

a. Between licks, I may place the LOLLIPOP upon your grandmother’s Turkish rug. This will be OKAY by you.

 

 

5. For DINNER, I have MACARONI AND CHEESE. Any attempts to offer me vegetables in addition to the macaroni and cheese will result in TEARS.

a. And don’t you dare hide anything in the cheese sauce, because my god, how you will RUE THE DAY.

 

 

6. After dinner, you may provide me with ICE CREAM.

a. No frozen yogurt—I know the DIFFERENCE.

 

 


II. TELEVISION

1. Will be ALL THE TIME, unless I say differently. While watching TELEVISION, you are to sit by my side, quietly, hands folded in lap, whilst I enjoy my shows.

a. You may arise to fetch me a SNACK or a DRINK.

 

 

2. No DIAPER CHANGING or PLEAS TO ENGAGE IN PHYSICAL ACTIVITY will be tolerated during the watching of the TELEVISION.

3. Turning off of the television will result in much SCREAMING.

III. TOYS

1. There will be many.

a. They will always be strewn about the house so that I may simply reach down and pick up a toy, no matter where I am.

b. They will be loud, complicated, and contain many small bits. I enjoy the SHOOTING NOISES that go w-shooooop or zim zim zim.

c. Nothing that results in LEARNING, please.

 

 

IV. FRIENDS

1. Should be available should I be in the mood to use someone else’s TOYS or ingest someone else’s COOKIES.

a. They may not ever so much as look at my toys or cookie supply.

b. Ever ever ever.

 

 

V. SLEEP

1. Is when I say, where I say, and how I say. If I want to sleep UPSIDE DOWN with my legs locked around your neck, then that’s how it will be.

a. And you will enjoy it.

 

 

VI. AFFECTION

1. Occasionally I enjoy being hugged and kissed. I stress OCCASIONALLY.

2. I will not be pelted with wet-mouthed assaults on an hourly basis. Should you feel the need to HUG or KISS, you must provide me with a written request, and then wait for me to offer you my pudgy cheeks.

3. Should I feel the need to be HUGGED and KISSED or SERENADED by my original “parents,” I reserve the right to call them and have them come over, just for the HUGGING and the KISSING and maybe a SONG.

a. After that, it’s vamoose, bozos—you had your chance.

 

Reader Comments (47)

But..but..but...who signed this missive?!?? I mean, really, Alice--you can't expect us to be sure whether you mean YOU or Mr. H!
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNew Blue Shoe
i love you with the fire and heat of a billion suns.

charlotte would like to add to Toys

2. Christmas tree ornaments are toys. You will let me fling them about the room regardless of the floor being hardwood.



December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
i am so in love with you. will you marry me?

i'm only very slightly kidding.

ps: will miss you. terribly. darling.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersweetney
jen, i'm SO kicking your ass for the love of alice.

i know where you live. in canada. somewhere.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commentersweetney
follow the sled dogs, second ilgoo on the left.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterjenB
Ladies, please! There's enough of Alice to go around! Especially these days. I'm eating a lot of cookies.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commenteralice
Do you know how hard it is to laugh quietly????

Have mercy! I'm in cubicle-land here.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterliz
oh man, you're so fucking brilliant it makes me die a little inside.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermarian
I think your child could be my child....
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAlison
Boy, I can't wait to see The Demands for The Teenage Years. (yikes!)
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNancy
FUNNIEST. ALICE. EVER.

IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. THE. WORLD.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterÉireann
Marvelosity. It is so a word, and it means Alice.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterMir
I am laughing so hard right now...

Are you sure we dont have the same child?!

Add to the yogurt claus, even if you try and get the yogurt with the m&ms to mix in it I will not be fooled, I do not eat strawberry yogurt only vanilla and only plain!
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterSusan
LOVING EVERY WORD!! you rock.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterkyra
Thank you. Also, JenB and sweetney? Totally invited to live on the bloggy commune of my dreams, too. I looked on a map once--Jen is just to the left of the middle part of Canada--up really HIGH.
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda
Utterly dying over this post. This kid sounds so real. So like the life I'm living. And I thought I knew all the answers!
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
The boy certainly loves his dairy, doesn't he?
December 21, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterEulallia
i'm not signing that.
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterhonestyrain
May I add:

Hygiene:

I will not tolerate any hand washing. If you would like to lick my hands and face in the manner of a mother cat, that will be acceptable. However, any attempts to use soap, shampoo and hot water will be considered as hostile acts. These acts will be dealt with, as such. This may involve you never having any intimate contact with another adult.
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDawn
simply hilarious. I'm dying here, I think I received a similar letter from my son about a month before he was born!
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDiana
I love "nothing that results in LEARNING, please".Did my kids write that?
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered Commentertree
Apparently your son and my kids have retained the same representation.
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterthe patriarch
I once made that mistake with the mac n cheese. ONCE.
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda
hilarious.
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered Commentervictoria
Boy ain't that the truth!! I thought only my kids were like that, good to know I'm not alone!!
December 22, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

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