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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Here she goes again with the letters

Dear Four,

You’re a month away, and you’re already kicking my ass. How is it that you’re kicking my ass from the future? I miss Three. I never thought I’d say that. Please advise.



Dear you,

Just as I have successfully beaten you down, so have I kicked Three right to the curb. And yeah, I’m here early. So? Why should I explain myself? Poop to that, I say. Poop. Poop in your butt. (Good one, me!)

We all know who’s causing the problem, here. We would be getting along just fine, me from the future and you from the now, if you would only comply with my demands. If you were to provide me (for breakfast) with a twelve-pack of cinnamon Trident (slightly aged so that the cinnamon is not too cinnamon-y) and an ice-cream sandwich and a Playmobil catalog and let me watch violent cartoons while pointing to items in the catalog and shouting I WANT THAT, all while dripping ice cream on my clean pants, then we’d get along just like… pee… on a … foot. (Yes!)

Sure, I may be setting the bar fairly high, but it’s only because I know you can handle it. Just as I know you secretly love it when I fling my surprisingly dense body at your head and whup you with my light saber and then smash my lips into your eye socket. Soon you will be so smitten that you will forget that Three ever existed. You’ll be all, three? That wimpy jerk who liked to watch Miffy? Did Three ever ask you to marry him? No, Three couldn’t make the commitment. But I’m Four, baby. And I’m totally your man. Now get me that ice cream and gum, and make it snappy.

In summary, I’ll be here for a while, and I am going to poop on your head THAT DOES NOT STOP BEING FUNNY!



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Reader Comments (105)

Oh Alice - I love you! My son turned four on the 5th and I also have a 19 month old. I swear I may not survive. Please please please write more about your experiences as you go through this with Henry. Joshua's latest is that when I tell him not to do something, he asks, "what will happen if I do?" The kicker is that he's truly just curious.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLisa
You are a brilliant writer! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJulie
All I have to say is....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dammit you're funny!
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
Ohhhh boy....

Around here, 6 thinks she's 16 and knows JUST how to stomp off in a huff and slam her door when she's pissed off, and 8 HATES it when he calls you from school to ask for stuff, and you punish him for it by saying "I loooooove you" and not letting him hang up unless he says it back...WITHOUT clenching his teeth or whispering. 8 knows it's not wise to hang up on mom.

But we really don't miss 4 around here. 4's a big fat jerk.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKristine
Oh. My. God. Almost peed my pants, I did.
September 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren
I have 7.5 yo, 5 yo and 6 weeks.

Brian nailed it.

The year between 3.5 and 4.5, however, has been the most difficult so far. I wistfully refer to it as the "ten cats in a bag" year.
September 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterjozet
I found this blog recently and just love it. It's so clever and laugh-out-loud funny.

I've got a two-year old. It gets worse?
September 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie
Four really does think poop is funny. Sure does.
September 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRae
I love your ability to make me laugh, even as your ass is beiing kicked.

I recently learned that poop is a big 4 year-old trigger. My daughter was wearing her "President Poopyhead" tee shirt and a 4 year old laughed and laughed. "Oh," my clueless stepmother said to his mother. "We coud tell you where to get one for him since he loves it so much." "You don't understand," she said, horrified. "Poopyhead is like...well, it's BAD."

September 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMom101
Oh, and six loves to roll out the terms he learns from his older, middle-school age brother in public. "Look Mom, I'm humping your leg!" Or better yet,"My bung hole itches, really bad!" Eleven and six-year-old boys in the same house together is like a cruel cosmic joke.
September 15, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterr
I'm beginning to think 4 weeks, 4 months and Four ain't all that different on the "pain in the ass" scale.

*sighs exhaustedly*
September 15, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPammer
My son just turned 13, and 3 is STILL my favorite age.
September 16, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkalisah
Our Four likes to french kiss the neighbor. Four is Foxy.
September 16, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterWacky Mommy
I just met 5 recently and I have to tell you, so far, not so much better than 4. It's just the extended version with more attitude and a little - but not much - less poopy.

Now, 17 months? Totally cracks my shit up. I don't remember 17 months being so funny the first time. I just must be used to no sleep.
September 17, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkaren
I love the letters. And although I am quite a bit older than four, I've decided that the way Four signs off is AWESOME, so I've started to do the same.

September 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterOz
Aaah. (Light bulb blinks on overhead.) Now I understand what's going on in my little guy's head. Four arrived on our doorstep last week, two months ahead of schedule, with poopy on its lips.
September 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAdrienne
You will love five.
September 17, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Kennedy
aw hell. Two just figured out that tearing my face off with one hand and my hair out with the other was the sure-fire way to get me to put him down so he can run into traffic. Like others, I am horrified to think that it gets worse, not better! But I hope verbal abuse will be easier to deal with than the scratches on my face.
September 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenteremdub
Egads Alice, I love you but four is REALLY scaring me!

We're bordering on three now (and THAT is giving me the heebeejeebies, although - YAY I'm learning to ignore tantrums, finally!) how will I ever handle four?

(Oh yeah, and by the time my kid turns 4 I'll have a 1 year old in tow. AHHHH! ::: hides under table :::
September 18, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterChristieNY
Holy crap...I only have four more months until four! But, Miffy has been gone for awhile...and the "I Want That" and Power Rangers have taken her place.

Egads...I'm scared of the future.
September 18, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterstayathomemotherdom
So, let me get this straight. Four delivers the ass-kicking of all ass-kickings. We're not even at One yet, and I fear that that I will not even live to meet devilish One, because Sub-One is destroying me from the bottom up.

So if there is an arithmetic increase in the ass-kicking, whereby Four is four times as forceful as One...

(looking thoughtfully at fingers, which reveal nothing)

... I'm going to be dead by Two.
September 19, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHer Bad Mother's Mother 'Hood
I remember being fond of fourteen and fifteen. And eighteen. But I'm pretty sure my mom didn't like any of those. Loved the letters. : )
September 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkerrianne
Wonderful post. Stop it. You're setting the bar too high for bloggers like me just starting out.


Fun, poignant stuff. I'll be back.
September 19, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbobbarama
Oh, yes, four. I remember him. Seems like a pansy in contrast to ten. Ten? He blushes when he sees the Victoria's Secret commercials on TV and demands things like... allowance. But ten still finds poop, farts, et al as hysterical as four did.
September 20, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkrystyn
Ahhh four! Its creeping up my drive way, it will be ringing the doorbell at anytime! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Poop came early for me, He came with 3 actually!
September 20, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCJ

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