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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« It's raining men! | Main | And when I say “practically,” I mean “forcefully.” »

Here she goes again with the letters

Dear Four,

You’re a month away, and you’re already kicking my ass. How is it that you’re kicking my ass from the future? I miss Three. I never thought I’d say that. Please advise.



Dear you,

Just as I have successfully beaten you down, so have I kicked Three right to the curb. And yeah, I’m here early. So? Why should I explain myself? Poop to that, I say. Poop. Poop in your butt. (Good one, me!)

We all know who’s causing the problem, here. We would be getting along just fine, me from the future and you from the now, if you would only comply with my demands. If you were to provide me (for breakfast) with a twelve-pack of cinnamon Trident (slightly aged so that the cinnamon is not too cinnamon-y) and an ice-cream sandwich and a Playmobil catalog and let me watch violent cartoons while pointing to items in the catalog and shouting I WANT THAT, all while dripping ice cream on my clean pants, then we’d get along just like… pee… on a … foot. (Yes!)

Sure, I may be setting the bar fairly high, but it’s only because I know you can handle it. Just as I know you secretly love it when I fling my surprisingly dense body at your head and whup you with my light saber and then smash my lips into your eye socket. Soon you will be so smitten that you will forget that Three ever existed. You’ll be all, three? That wimpy jerk who liked to watch Miffy? Did Three ever ask you to marry him? No, Three couldn’t make the commitment. But I’m Four, baby. And I’m totally your man. Now get me that ice cream and gum, and make it snappy.

In summary, I’ll be here for a while, and I am going to poop on your head THAT DOES NOT STOP BEING FUNNY!



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Reader Comments (105)

LOL Brian. My son asked for an electric guitar and amp at age 9. Right on schedule!!

Age 10 to 11 seems to be a slight awakening to the opposite sex (for boys). I realize that it's more like age 8 for girls. My son is thinking about who he might ask to his school dance.

I still say 6 is hell on wheels!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterRobin in San Jose
I've always been told that the terrible twos were NOTHING compared to the fucking fours. LOL

Mine turns 5 in January but she has kept all the "worst of..." bits from 2, 3, and 4 and is taking them forward with her.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJust Linda
Awww four, you're such a nut.

*clawing my way through two*
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Rani
WHAT, we just turned 2 - someone told me 2-4 is the worst. Why do people lie? I had such high hopes for 4.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentertwinzmom
37 and 40 are THE BEST!
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersavtadotty
Oh my god, four is the worst! Why did no one tell me about four before it got here? It's way worse than two or three ever were.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterAbigail
4 gave me a nervous breakdown, and lots of hair fell out of my head.

12 wants Ralph Lauren, and Kenzo, and wants to know if she can smoke weed, and wants a wallet that has BMF printed on it, and says 'I mean, HELLO?' a lot, and thinks she understands everything, and wishes everybody would stop treating her like a kid.
September 13, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterShula
You mean, it gets worse than ONE? Well, what if I have two ONEs, does that mean I am at TWO? Eeek!

Well, at least someone can laugh about it.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermommabean
I think when four kicked three to the curb, three came to our house early. I think 6-9 months was a good age, but I was too tired to enjoy it.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterHeather G.
I have two Sevens and a Four. Yeah. (For those who don't realize right this second, that means I had two Fours at one time.)

The Sevens are okay, pretty interesting, a lot more articulate than, say, a Five.

The Four? The Four can speak in perfect sentences with beautiful grammar, but when the Four is asked nicely to do anything that the Four doesn't necessarily find relevant, the Four screams "I NOT!!!" with a vehemence that would shock you.

Four. Whew.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commentermichelle
4 does suck at times. What is is with poop? and being called a pain in the butt, that's nice. Also, my 4 when I ask him to do something replies, "no! Never!" But then he told me I was the best the other day, which was nice. But then I when I told him something later, he just replied with a huff, "I KNOW!" sorry!
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterErika
I am in the pre-kids stage, and you are all terrifying me. It sounds as if pre-1 is the only safe age, and even that has its drawbacks. *flees*

September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterwonderer
Six and a half is pretty lippy. Not lippy like four but advanced lippy with eye rolling, big sighs of exasperation, and the "Gaw MOM!" It drives me completely crazy. But now and then six and a half has a union sanctioned break and my sweet girl emerges.

One is pretty good. He'll screech like some prehistoric bird when he doesn't get his way. Other than that he's agreaable and fun.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJ
Never have I commented...never have I laughed so hard. I thought three was about to kick my ass - this is what I have to look forward to?

September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterkimmer
9/14/2006 11:27:38 AMjet varieties and indoor hot tubs
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterIndoor Spa
Oh God, oh God. Our Four is two and a half months away. Please please please tell me it's better than Three, because frankly, Three sucks major ass.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKellyH
9/14/2006 7:58:02 PMyou all welcome!
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterbackgammon game
Yeah. In case no one has pointed it out yet (who can real all these comments? we were starving for a post here. starving.) Four = Two times Two. So arm yourself accordingly.

I remember pulling up in front of the library one day when my son was four as he waxed on about who he was going to kill and how and I thought, "Oh. My. God. What am I going to do? How did this person come out of me?" And I went into the library and picked up an old, dusty and totallly gender biased copy of Your Four Year Old. And as I read it I knew it was saving my life. Because yes. This was normal! The most violent stage in their imagination. Not so fun to live with, but great to know its not the signal for Serial Killer Alert. There were so many other passages that made me think the author had a camera in my house. Whew. But we survived. And he is ten and has not killed a thing, though I did eventually provide him with a baby brother so sword weilding could continue unabated. Peace!
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterPam
Oh Alice, thank you for making me remember that the younger ages were so cute. And thanks to the rest of you for assuring me that while 8 sort of sucked ass (and not in a good way), that nine will be better. It starts today, IT WILL BE BETTER, RIGHT? I can't take another year of this attitude...
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered Commenterluna
Ugh. Every one of them has 'tude.

But as long as you keep that smile, you'll be fine. And keep wearing that shark dress.

September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterKari
OK, no one has even touched on 15 which, when it deigns to listen to you, has constantly rolling eyes, and talks to you like you have a single-digit IQ with every word out of 15's mouth said as if the next phrase was going to be "... for f*%#'s sake, you idiot!"

Alternated with days where 15 can not wait to tell you what happened at school.

Now 11... 11 and female, that's all about "yeah, I know that you let me have sleepover birthday party last night with 6 other girls and fed us all a mountain of junk food and rented us three movies and didn't even say a word when I told you we were playing Hide 'n Seek in the dark at 2 in the morning and made me a pancake birthday breakfast with ice cream cause no likes cake and took me out to return the Crocs that I thought were too small but were actually the perfect size and then out to buy my friend a birthday present, but what do you mean you aren't going to take me out for dinner?! I hate you!

I am however concurrently enjoying almost 6, who tells me he loves me, when he isn't insisting on showing me his butt.

11 is not fun.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSuzanne
Someone once told me that kids go in 6 month cycles - crabby for 6 mos, happy for 6 mos, crabby for 6 mos, and so on.So, since my kids are 18 mos apart, someone is always in crabby mode (yay - let's all shout hooray).Does your little guy ask questions? My son asked hundreds of questions a day (dh read somewhere that 4 year olds ask 400 questions a day!!!) Wait, that hasn't stopped yet and he's 7!Good luck!
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterSarey
Now I am so curious what the low paid writing job is because I would love to read more, more, more of your writing. Thanks for the laugh today.

September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterDani
Seven lives at my house, and she is brimming over with 'tude ... and at the same time, has just discovered all the FART and POOP and BUTT humor that somehow passed her by when she was Four.

I am hoping Eight is better.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa
Four is definitely the new Two. But Five, Alice? Five arrives on angel wings! It can be followed by Snotty Six, but Five is oh-so-sweet. Of course, the real solution to all of this is to have another baby. Because even Four cannot compete with Screams All Night.
September 14, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

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