Here I am!
May 27, 2011It took longer than expected to get back here, but I'm here now, hello! I feel like a human again. And not some kind of awful platypus. Not that platypuses are awful--I just felt like one that is. One that waddles around poisoning passersby with its venomous hind spurs, just because. Because it can. I'll bet his name is Gary. Gary the Asshole Platypus. God, what a dick. And to think I felt like just like him! Thank goodness that's over.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind messages and emails and comments. Except for the commenter who said I sounded like a "menopausal Vienese [sic] matron from 1896." I don't think he meant to crack me up, but holy hell, that made me laugh. That is awfully specific, sir! Not to mention puzzling. I never once mentioned my overly tight whale-bone corset OR the various remedies for Hysteria prescribed to me.
Listen. I can imagine how it sounds to some people, me being all, "I can't work! I have the Dark Mood! My doctor told me to have fun!" It sounded indulgent to me, for sure. I wasn't into it. I like to work. I vastly prefer it to near-constant thoughts of death. For instance.
I know there are people who roll their eyes at the idea that someone is too depressed to work. If they want to roll their eyes at me, that's fine (Henry rolls his eyes at me all day long, so I'm used to it), but I do wish everyone would stop with the idea that depression is just a mindset and a person need only cheer up, for goodness sake. Depression is not only the state of someone's mood. Depression affects your entire body. The negative thoughts and feelings almost seem like a byproduct of the physical toll depression can take. It's a horrifying experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That said, I know from the comments that some of you are dealing with your own depression and anxiety, and you have my deepest sympathy, and fervent hopes that you feel better, and soon. Here are a few things that helped me (in addition to Prozac, Mirtazipine, and Klonopin):
Getting outside every day. For the first few days I couldn't walk more than a block or two (I don't know whether it was the meds or my brain, but any kind of exertion left me lightheaded and whoopsy), but I gently coaxed myself outside every day. Walking Charlie was a perfect activity--short distances (he's an old dog) with many stops (who feels compelled to pee on everything). Plus sometimes we would interact with other dog owners, and they were nice, which was a helpful reminder that Nice People Exist.
Instant Netflix (again). Although I've seen every episode of Arrested Development more times than I can count, I watched it some more. And "Working Girl," which I found strangely compelling, although I never have before. Sigourney Weaver, ladies. Am I right? (Although when Melanie Griffith lisps that line about having a head for business and a "bod for sin" I kind of want to punch something. Still, punching is better than crying!)
Podcasts. I love many podcasts, but right now my favorites are the Pod F. Tompkast, Superego, and Julie Klausner's How Was Your Week? If you want to feel like you have witty, warm friends who are whispering hilarious somethings into your ear-canals, I can't recommend these podcasts enough.
Fish oil. Okay, I don't know if the fish oil actually did anything, but at least it helped me feel like I was being pro-active. Also, Vitamin D3. Which I am apparently deficient in. And I ignored my doctor's orders to take it, and then I read that a Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression, so I'm not ignoring my doctor's orders to take the Vitamin D now, is what I'm saying. I should have been taking it already. Again, I don't know if this helped. Maybe it did? No, definitely! Look how positive I am, now! VITAMIN D!
In other news, tomorrow's my birthday! And I am going to write more for you guys next week. Things are looking up. I'm glad you're still here. Or, you know, you've come back. I didn't think you were waiting here this whole time. I KNOW YOU HAVE A LIFE. Sheesh. I just, you know. You're here, and I'm here. Let's celebrate. Hooray!
Reader Comments (108)
Yay! So glad you are back, was getting a little worried. I never once thought it was self-indulgent. Never once. Take your time. Reenter gently:).
Happy Birthday, and I am glad things are looking better! (I promise, they will continue to do so- seems that you've gotten through what I always call "the black." And that's the worst part.)
I have missed you. I am glad you are feeling better.
Vitamin D is the bomb!
Hi! Glad you're feeling better!
Glad to have you back! I would say more but this heat and humidity has sucked my brain out, don't have 2 thoughts left to rub together. Looking forward to more Alice soon!
YAY! Happy birthday, Alice.
The 'menopausal Vienese [sic] woman' comment was really weird, but since that particular insult had the opposite effect and made you laugh, I wish I'd thought of it first! (Awful, really–the cranky women of Vienna have taken SO much crap) Oh! I've also been taking Fish Oil and Vitamin D. Can you tell?! Yeah, me neither. But adding new vitamins pads my tired, old "list any other medications are you currently taking" resumé in case I have to audition for specialists.
What was with Melanie Griffith's throat clearing/frog-in-the-throat tic thing in Working Girl? EVERY DAMN SCENE! Did Mike Nichols think it made her seem mousey and demure? Insecure, unsteady? It was like a version of Tourettes. Give that topless-vacumming administrative assistant a lozenge! And quickly, too!
I'm glad you're home. Or back. Both! xo
Well, I for one was patiently waiting, and I'll wait patiently next time round, too (god forbid, there is a next round). Glad things are better! Depression sucks.
Glad to see you back; I missed you. So glad you are felling better. I am very familiar with the pit, although, thanks to Lexapro and Wellbutrin, I have not descended very far down into it for a pretty good while.
I concur on the vitamin D. I was deficient on it for a while and I was a mess, basically, my brain didn't function. B vitamins are good too, especially B6, which is a good mood stabilizer.
Also, a friend of mine recently posted on FB that, "Telling a person with depression to get over it, is like telling a person who is blind to just look harder."
I'm so glad you are feeling better and will go on to write more witty and diverting prose about your life forthwith.
Two random, silly coincidences: 1) I just used the term "holy hell" in a Facebook post; I noted your use of it b/c I took a half second to consider whether it would offend my Very Christian friend on FB but used it anyway. 2) I LITERALLY *just* finished watching "Working Girl." I have no idea what possessed me to start watching it last night (and finished it during daughter's nap time; I think the only other time I had seen it was when I was about 10). My mom is just getting out of what turned out to be quintuple bypass surgery and I needed an inane distraction I guess. Glad it worked for you too.
I'm so glad you're feeling better. Every time I checked your website and you hadn't updated I sent some goofy positive energy your way. I also struggle with depression, but not to the same degree. Working out sometimes helps me, but sometimes it just takes the last energy I had to deal with the day...(way to be helpful, Anna. God.) Outz.
Hooray for you Alice! Welcome back! While we all missed you, I for one relate to the horrors of suffering from depression and I'm glad that you did what you needed to take care of yourself and get back to feeling like "you" again. I am so glad to hear things are better. I will forgot to check back tomorrow, so I am writing now to wish you a very happiest of birthdays, and say thanks for sharing about your experiences so openly, and honestly. We need more yous! :) Many blessings on your special day - I hope it brings you an abundance of things that make you smile.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICE!
Also, I suppose I should talk to my doctor about the vitamin D thing too. It can only help right? (RIGHT!)
Yay! I'm so glad you're feeling better; I've been checking every day. And happy birthday!
I've been going through a similar thing lately and having a really hard time working. I'm taking supplements and vitamins and trying to get outside as much as possible (but probably not enough), and Netflix has saved my sanity on numerous occasions . . . but the depression is always there, and it's exhausting trying to constantly fight it off. Thank you for posting about what you've been going through; it helps to know other people feel the same and understand, and it's also good to know what has worked for you and others.
Anyway, glad you're back!
Dear Alice,
I'm so happy you're feeling well again! I hope you have a lovely birthday! And people who don't think depression is real can go suck a lemon. I hate those people.
So glad you are feeling better. Welcome back!
Glad you're back, Alice! I know a lot about asshole platypuses, I refer to mine as a big galoot and sometimes sit under the table when he's visiting in hopes he won't fit down there with me, doesn't work. :\
In oooooooother news, I always like when you recommend podcasts, I started listening to Jordan, Jesse, Go! a couple years back per your recommendation, and I love it.
Looking forward to your post next week!
Anytime someone utters the word "bod" I feel the need to stop working for a week to recover. *Shudder*
So glad you're feeling better. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Welcome back, lady.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Oh, so glad you're back! Not least because of what that signifies. Hooray for getting the healthcare you need.
Speaking of which, I wanted to share: I finally sucked it up and started seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depression. Since you were one of the people who inspired me to do this (and you didn't even know it!), I thought I'd tell you. Here's to kicking the collective asses of anxiety and depression!
Hurray!!
I hadn't commented on your last post, preferring to send psychic vibes (which I am forever going to claim whenever I am too damned lazy to send a birthday gift). That said, you were in my thoughts quite frequently. I find myself in a bit of an overextended state -a guarantee for for future funkage, and your situation has reminded me to go a bit easy. Happy birthday, by the way. Expect more psychic vibes on your doorstep.
I'm glad you're back! I've shared my life with a platypus for more than 20 years, and I appreciate the reminder that waddling like that isn't fun on the inside, either. (and now you know why I'm not a famous blogger!) much joy to you on your birthday!
Glad you're back, and happy birthday tomorrow! Maybe you'll get some of that treatment for hysteria if you're lucky. (You DO know what that was, right?)
Friggin' Gary. That platypus asshole. God, that made me laugh!
So very glad you're feeling better and have a wonderful birthday!
Welcome back! Don't let the nasty people get you down. Also, you know where Vitamin D comes from? The sun! You know where has lots of sun? Tahiti! Get your doc to give you a prescription to Tahiti. ;)
You're welcome.