Here I am!
May 27, 2011It took longer than expected to get back here, but I'm here now, hello! I feel like a human again. And not some kind of awful platypus. Not that platypuses are awful--I just felt like one that is. One that waddles around poisoning passersby with its venomous hind spurs, just because. Because it can. I'll bet his name is Gary. Gary the Asshole Platypus. God, what a dick. And to think I felt like just like him! Thank goodness that's over.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind messages and emails and comments. Except for the commenter who said I sounded like a "menopausal Vienese [sic] matron from 1896." I don't think he meant to crack me up, but holy hell, that made me laugh. That is awfully specific, sir! Not to mention puzzling. I never once mentioned my overly tight whale-bone corset OR the various remedies for Hysteria prescribed to me.
Listen. I can imagine how it sounds to some people, me being all, "I can't work! I have the Dark Mood! My doctor told me to have fun!" It sounded indulgent to me, for sure. I wasn't into it. I like to work. I vastly prefer it to near-constant thoughts of death. For instance.
I know there are people who roll their eyes at the idea that someone is too depressed to work. If they want to roll their eyes at me, that's fine (Henry rolls his eyes at me all day long, so I'm used to it), but I do wish everyone would stop with the idea that depression is just a mindset and a person need only cheer up, for goodness sake. Depression is not only the state of someone's mood. Depression affects your entire body. The negative thoughts and feelings almost seem like a byproduct of the physical toll depression can take. It's a horrifying experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
That said, I know from the comments that some of you are dealing with your own depression and anxiety, and you have my deepest sympathy, and fervent hopes that you feel better, and soon. Here are a few things that helped me (in addition to Prozac, Mirtazipine, and Klonopin):
Getting outside every day. For the first few days I couldn't walk more than a block or two (I don't know whether it was the meds or my brain, but any kind of exertion left me lightheaded and whoopsy), but I gently coaxed myself outside every day. Walking Charlie was a perfect activity--short distances (he's an old dog) with many stops (who feels compelled to pee on everything). Plus sometimes we would interact with other dog owners, and they were nice, which was a helpful reminder that Nice People Exist.
Instant Netflix (again). Although I've seen every episode of Arrested Development more times than I can count, I watched it some more. And "Working Girl," which I found strangely compelling, although I never have before. Sigourney Weaver, ladies. Am I right? (Although when Melanie Griffith lisps that line about having a head for business and a "bod for sin" I kind of want to punch something. Still, punching is better than crying!)
Podcasts. I love many podcasts, but right now my favorites are the Pod F. Tompkast, Superego, and Julie Klausner's How Was Your Week? If you want to feel like you have witty, warm friends who are whispering hilarious somethings into your ear-canals, I can't recommend these podcasts enough.
Fish oil. Okay, I don't know if the fish oil actually did anything, but at least it helped me feel like I was being pro-active. Also, Vitamin D3. Which I am apparently deficient in. And I ignored my doctor's orders to take it, and then I read that a Vitamin D deficiency can cause depression, so I'm not ignoring my doctor's orders to take the Vitamin D now, is what I'm saying. I should have been taking it already. Again, I don't know if this helped. Maybe it did? No, definitely! Look how positive I am, now! VITAMIN D!
In other news, tomorrow's my birthday! And I am going to write more for you guys next week. Things are looking up. I'm glad you're still here. Or, you know, you've come back. I didn't think you were waiting here this whole time. I KNOW YOU HAVE A LIFE. Sheesh. I just, you know. You're here, and I'm here. Let's celebrate. Hooray!
Reader Comments (108)
I'm glad you've abandoned the way of the platypi. I had/have a Vitamin D deficiency, too, and it totally messed up my mojo in every way imaginable!
(((hugs)))
Been there, done that, probably on the cusp of doing it again. It's no fun & I don't envy you. I'll be looking forward to your drug addled posts of sunshine & joy! (Well that's what MINE would be. ;-)
Glad you are feeling better Alice!
Next time, try being one of these platapusses instead. Platapusses. Platapi. http://bit.ly/luZ0Om
Happy Birthday, I think. It's today, right? If it is tomorrow then I must tell you you are born the same day as my first love, you know, the one you never get over. But, as it stands, if your birthday is indeed today, you are right smack between my formidable oldest sister and my first love. In case you cared. Please pass the fish oil. I could use some.
Glad you're back, here and in your head :)
We love you, Alice! Glad you're back.
Oh, shoot, and Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday! Glad you're feeling better.
Happy happy birthday!
I, for one, am ecstatic you're feeling better and are writing again. As ecstatic as a Viennese matron from 1898 (things got better after a couple years).
Glad you're feeling better. Lately I've been listening to Comedy Bang Bang podcast (formerly Comedy Deathray) and L-ing my A off, which is a little embarrassing if I'm walking my dogs or grocery shopping.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Yay!! Let's celebrate, indeed!! So happy you are feeling better.
I'm so glad you are back! I am even more glad that you are starting to feel better. Happy birthday!
I really need to finish watching Arrested Development. And then I should re-watch it.
I should probably pick up some Vit. D and Fish Oil too. My friends have been singing the praises of those things forever and I never bother to get some.
Katie, I forgot to mention Comedy Bang Bang (Formerly Death Ray)! PF Tompkins' "Cake Boss" is the best thing ever. For starters.
So glad you're back and feeling better!!
I've been feeling the same way lately, and in addition to the introduction of meds I found that going out to a cabaret on my birthday with my favorite people in the world, and having one of them help me to fulfill a lifelong dream of singing in a piano bar by giving a huge wad of cash to the performers, really helped.
Hugs to you Alice, knowing you would hug right back.
Happy birthday!
YAAAAYYYY!!! Happy Birthday!
Oh god, Working Girl. You had to get me started.
First, cute though he was, there is NO WAY the Harrison Ford character was only 10 yrs out of Dartmouth. Also, he was much nicer than most of the Dartmouth guys I knew--at least the ones who went into finance.
Second, the Melanie Griffith character always feels to me like the beginning of our current age of devaluing education & expertise.
Third, I know it didn't go with their Manichean view (upstart airhead = good, educated snob = bad), but I always want to cut Sigourney Weaver a break in that movie. It can NOT have been easy to have been a woman in finance (or whatever she was in) in the '80s. No wonder she was a hard-ass.
And yes, I know it was just a movie. A romantic comedy, at that. And for the record, I did think it was funny at the same time I was deconstructing it...
Ahem. Happy Birthday, Alice, and I'm so glad you're feeling better!
I'm so glad you're feeling better, Alice! I've been thinking about you and resisting the urge to send you an inappropriately nosy e-mail inquiring about your welfare.
I hate to admit this, but I tended toward depression-denial until I experienced post-partum depression in 2008 after my daughter was born. I was totally amazed (in a dim, can't-get-off-the-couch-or-stop-crying-long-enough-to-really-think-about-it way) by the bleakness, the total lack of hope, the way I-- a person who has always been cheerful and optimistic and kind of obnoxiously happy-- could barely manage even to get of bed every day. More than anything, I wanted to just snap out of it, and I couldn't. It was awful, and I would never wish it on anybody.
I am very, very glad you're feeling like yourself again. And thank you for talking about it.
I am so very happy to hear you are feeling better. I've been through it, too, and--as you know--depression blows. No eye rolls from here, just high-fives. 5!
I too have watched Arrested Development more times than I can count. Which isn't very high, in case you were wondering ;)
Happy Birthday! Sooo glad you are feeling better and celebratory, and less like a Viennese matron with uptight corsets and unsympathetic readers!
I'm assuming Gary the Asshole Platypus is Perry the Platypus's (from Phineas & Ferb) asshole cousin.
Welcome back, & happy birthday tomorrow!
Yay!!! So glad you're feeling better. Good suggestions you have there, too.
So,so glad you are feeling better. Depression is AWFUL. Glad you are emerging.