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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Ho paura del ragno. | Main | Phone transcript: Henry after his date with Thomas. »
Monday
Aug222005

Hello, we must be going.

So we’re going to Italy tomorrow, and did I brush up on my Italian? I did not. Zut alors! Wait, that’s wrong.

We are going to a farmhouse in Tuscany with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law and brother-in-law’s new wife whom I now get to call my sister-in-law. For two weeks, we’re going! We’re going to be in the country! With, um, donkeys? I think there might be donkeys. Really I have no idea. I have done very little thinking about this trip. Does it show?

My mother-in-law wishes to celebrate her birthday by taking us on this trip, and who am I to argue? I’m a little nervous about the flight with Henry (read: I’m picturing Henry flinging vomit and feces all about the cabin as he skitters across the ceiling and screeches the Nicene Creed backward) but I’m sure it will be fine! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa! Hurgh!



Anyway, then we’ll be in Italy, so even if the ride is as awful as I can imagine, we’ll still end up in Italy. The last time we were in Italy it was our honeymoon, and it was fantastical and wonderamic, except we flew Air France and therefore we had to deal with the French. On the way there I sat next to an aging, bitter old crone who wore too much makeup and applied smelly salves to her hairy cheeks and then berated me when I suggested that maybe using nail polish remover in a plane wasn’t the most considerate way to go. She actually called me a “spoiled American” and repeatedly sneered, “You want your own plane,maybe?” And oh, how I loathed the French, on that trip.

But not as much as on our way back, when we missed our connecting flight and ended up being put up in a hotel in a town called Bagnolet. Bagnolet, Where the Hookers Are! Actually, maybe it was a nice town, I don’t know—we were too busy hiding in our room from the hookers down in the lobby. They looked mean, those hookers, like they wanted to cut up some Americans. As for the room we were in, there were brown streaks running down the walls out of the vents and the sheets made us itch and the only channel that worked on the television was airing “Men in Black” in French.

But the Italy part, that was nice.

This time we’re taking Lufthansa, so I expect we’ll return with tales of Germanic cruelty. Along with many, many pictures of Henry eating gelato.

Reader Comments (53)

It's not illegal to take your own liquor in a carry-on bag. It IS illegal to serve yourself onboard the airplane. Still your decision, of course, but just so you know. And you won't be fooling anyone with your requests for 'orange juice with ice'.
August 25, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterZach
but surely they have computers in italy? because i miss you, dear finslippy. i miss your words. when you get back i will require several posts in one day. that is what i will require. thank you. and have a nice trip.
August 29, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterhonestyrain
Italy's one of those places where you get robbed but you forget you were robbed because all you can remember is the art and the food...depending on how much they stole from you...

I've met so many Germans who hate Germany and other Germans...so I love Uma for saying that "Germans are not cruel they are misunderstood."

Seriously, how many horrible things are there to hate about America and yet we make them more specific than that? We hate women who wear designer high heels because they also wear too much perfume...when they are American, this is how we hate them. When they are French, we hate them because they are French. All the nuance just goes out the window.
September 9, 2005 | Unregistered Commentermiel

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