Hello, we must be going.

So we’re going to Italy tomorrow, and did I brush up on my Italian? I did not. Zut alors! Wait, that’s wrong.

We are going to a farmhouse in Tuscany with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law and brother-in-law’s new wife whom I now get to call my sister-in-law. For two weeks, we’re going! We’re going to be in the country! With, um, donkeys? I think there might be donkeys. Really I have no idea. I have done very little thinking about this trip. Does it show?

My mother-in-law wishes to celebrate her birthday by taking us on this trip, and who am I to argue? I’m a little nervous about the flight with Henry (read: I’m picturing Henry flinging vomit and feces all about the cabin as he skitters across the ceiling and screeches the Nicene Creed backward) but I’m sure it will be fine! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa! Hurgh!



Anyway, then we’ll be in Italy, so even if the ride is as awful as I can imagine, we’ll still end up in Italy. The last time we were in Italy it was our honeymoon, and it was fantastical and wonderamic, except we flew Air France and therefore we had to deal with the French. On the way there I sat next to an aging, bitter old crone who wore too much makeup and applied smelly salves to her hairy cheeks and then berated me when I suggested that maybe using nail polish remover in a plane wasn’t the most considerate way to go. She actually called me a “spoiled American” and repeatedly sneered, “You want your own plane,maybe?” And oh, how I loathed the French, on that trip.

But not as much as on our way back, when we missed our connecting flight and ended up being put up in a hotel in a town called Bagnolet. Bagnolet, Where the Hookers Are! Actually, maybe it was a nice town, I don’t know—we were too busy hiding in our room from the hookers down in the lobby. They looked mean, those hookers, like they wanted to cut up some Americans. As for the room we were in, there were brown streaks running down the walls out of the vents and the sheets made us itch and the only channel that worked on the television was airing “Men in Black” in French.

But the Italy part, that was nice.

This time we’re taking Lufthansa, so I expect we’ll return with tales of Germanic cruelty. Along with many, many pictures of Henry eating gelato.

Comments

[Belinda]

Many wishes of good luck and bon voyage (oops), and happy flight toddler, and...holy crap, TUSCANY!

Also much jealousy. Enjoy the ever-lovin' stuffing out of this trip, no matter what.

[Lydia]

How awesome! That sounds truly amazing for all of you.Lufthansa really is pretty good in many respects; we've had very good experiences both times we flew with them. And one time was with a ten month old. British Airways is the cream of the crop, but Lufthansa is pretty great too.

Just bring lots of new little dollar stoy toys and coloring books, also, ahem, forbidden delights like lollipops.

[JP]

Wow!! Have a wonderful time!! I NEED a vacation...I wish I could hide in your luggage...but then, you don't know me and it might freak you out if you saw me in your luggage...and then you would feed me to the mean hookers.

Perhaps I should just stay here...

[kim]

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with sedating either Henry, or yourself for the trip. Benadrylbenadrylbenadryl

Did you watch "Under the Tuscan sun?" I loved that movie, I hope where you go is a beautiful as that setting.

[Lisa V]

If you can keep him from levitating while he flings bodily fluids and speaks with the gutteral tone only Linda Blair knows, then no one will notice.

Italy! I am so jealous. I went to Wallowa Lake and saw sculptures of elk and deer, and moose butts.

Have a lovely, lovely time.

[MelissaS]

Weeeeeeee! I am so excited.

Have a spicy meatball for me!

But wait....I don't want you to go. I plan on posting nasty rumors and gossip about you while you are away. And you will not be able to do anything about it.

Enjoy your trip!

[Ninotchka]

Lucky girl!

Bon voyage! Wait. How do you say that in Italian?

::snort, snort::: What a dork I am.

Enjoy!

[Teresa]

Oh, so jealous of you! My best friend has been living in Aviano, Italy for the past year and a half and I still haven't had a chance to go visit. Oh well, she'll be there for another year and a half while her husband is serving our country. Maybe I'll get a chance to go. Have fun!!

[lissa]

well i have one word for you vodka! just think if you are drunk on the plane and cause a scene then maybe no one will notice henry throwing feces... just a thought

[ahmielyn]

I actually did a little swoon with envy when I read this post. Oh, to be in Tuscany my very own self! I have flown Lufthansa, and it was fantastic. They were so nice, and ALL THE BOOZE WAS FREE. The flight attendants strolled up and down the aisles, offering sweet alcohol to anyone who appeared to be in danger of sobering up. This might not be the case any more, in which case I am sorry for raising your expectations. As you said, no matter how bad the flight, you still end up in Italy.

[GraceD]

Lufthansa rocks, Alice. Excellent service and details (always love those hot towels, there were several breaks for biscuits and sweets, dinner was surprisingly tasty)delivered by poker faced but kindly Aryan people.

Happy journeys to you and the extended family unit!

[Mir]

Soooooo jealous, feces slinging aside.

Have a WONDERFUL time, and please return with lots of pictures of Henry doing... um... anything, really. :)

[Jenn]

My inner Catholic school child is having an uncontrollable giggle fit over the backwards Nicene Creed.

I second the Benadryl!

Have an amazing time.

[Wendy]

If you are going to go with Benadryl, TEST IT FIRST. It can have the opposite effect on kids, which you do not want... Portable DVD (or laptop) is a godsend, and believe it or not, there is something fabulously compelling to toddlers about cups of ice. Other than that, recommend lots of new little toys like stickers and matchbox cars. Have a BLAST!

[jenB]

i am going to start a rumour about alice while she is gone: she wears HUMONGOUS cotton granny panties all the time.

rebuttal?

[Summer]

Wait a minute, I have been studying Italian for the last nine months, and my next vacation is to... North Carolina, where they speak Southern. I am very jealous.

You're going to have a wonderful time. And I've flown Lufthansa to Italy. They have good beer on Lufthansa. Everything will be fine.

[clickmom]

I loved Italy.....soooo jealous. Wine, Gelato, Ravioli, mmmmmm......

Hey jenB- I wear big cotton granny undies!

[Jenny]

Have a safe and wonderful vacation!

Where does Alice wear the giant granny panties? She's so tiny! Perhaps she uses them as a clever carry-on bag?

[buffi]

Dramamine is much more reliable than benedryl for sedating young 'uns for long flights. Learn from my mistakes. Please.

Oh and have a fantastic time. Don't be afraid when a waitress takes Henry away from your table crying, "Bello! Bello!" They almost always bring the children back.

[roo]

Oh, have fun in Italy! I'll picture you all picnic-ing (?) in a field of poppies, with the dome of Florence in the distance, a la Lucy Honeychurch in "A Room With A View":

"It is fate. But call it Italy if it pleases you, Vicar."

Uh, maybe there won't be a vicar at your picnic...

[Heather]

What is it with honeymoons and hookers? On our post-wedding trip we missed our train and had to spend an extra night in Chicago during -gasp- the tool convention weekend (it took forever to find a room for one night). Our hotel, a perfectly respectable Best Western downtown, was packed with working girls wearing purple velour halter tops and short skirts.

Have a wonderful trip! Practice saying danke for the Lufthansa crew. Maybe it'll get you free booze?

[LOD]

Egad. The panties thing has legs.

There's only one phrase to know in Italy: Quando pranzo?

[jenB]

i'm married, of course I wear gigantic cotton panties daily. upon alice's recommendation of course.... allice's may not be as gigantic though.

[sara]

hey, alice. in italy with dario as i write this. best place on earth to take kids. for the plane, stickers! or, if you're lucky, you'll have the inflight tv with noggin or somesuch and all you have to do is train henry to sport headphones. anyway, have a nice trip, after 2 months, we're flying back to brooklyn in 3 days.

[RLJ]

oooh, Air France :( Take your packed lunch. If you are changing in CDG (as I presume) be prepared for everyone to be on strike, the airport to be filthy; them call you to board for Tuscany and then cancel your flight without explanation. Better brush up your French too, 'cause they all pretend not to speak English.

But if you DO get to Tuscany, buon divertimento :)