Has it been that long?

Hello I am here! My name is Alice! CAN YOU HEAR ME!

Wait, let me try that again. Hello! This is a blog! Wait. That’s not good at all. HELLO WHAT IS YOUR NAME ARE YOU FRIEND?! No, no, I’m coming on too strong. Sorry. Wow. Greetings, I am here writing you for having long-time not written… is strange! Yes is!

There you go. Much better.

Sorry about that. I’m a little out of practice. It turns out I have to post more frequently, or several terrible things happen: 1) I forget how to come up with ideas; 2) everyone gets mad at me, but secretly, in their heads, so I have to imagine it; 3) Earth’s orbit goes just the tiniest bit awry, and we are set on an immutable trajectory that will eventually hurl us straight into the sun. I apologize for that last part. I didn’t know my own power. I should have guessed, of course. Apologies all around.

So I went to the Broad Summit the weekend before last, and it took me almost this long to recover. I was terribly fatigued, and had an attack of the nerves. A few drops of laudanum in my chamomile tisane managed to soothe me, but a longer rest cure than usual was prescribed. And now these linen straps are holding me fast to the bedposts, making it rather difficult to write! Oh, why won’t the doctor answer my bell?

Seriously, it was an incredible weekend, and apparently I am now a wrecked and aged woman who can’t handle air travel. Or maybe it’s regular life I can’t handle, and the return to reality is what caused my neurasthenia. Either way, I am now returned to my normally vigorous self. Huzzah!

Let’s change the subject now and talk about something cheerful, like miscarriage. We finally tackled the topic over at Momversation, and I am just grateful that the editors edited out my bizarre behavior, because in addition to being an old woman, I am a child who cannot discuss anything painful without interjecting jokes and weird inappropriate laughter. I believe I began my video with a fart joke. I’m not even kidding.

It felt strange to talk about my miscarriage so long after the fact, and the crabby guilt-laden Catholic inside me is whinnying, Why are you still thinking about that? Move on! Worry about the poor and the lame! And also the blind! Jesus died for your sins, missy! But then the rest of me is all, I’m sure you have a point, Sister Teresa of the Bleeding Ramekin, but put a damn sock in it. So there.

Comments

[Milla]

every time you blog i get a tingly sensation. it makes me feel like dancing. thank you. really.

[Susan]

Since I carry the guilt of causing my miscarriages (and World War II, and Global Warming), I think it only logical that I also take complete credit for how amazingly perfect the one child who did make it turned out. That's fair, right?

[Shannon]

Hi Alice! Welcome back, and we missed you! After I leave this comment I'll be clicking on the momversation link to watch, but first I wanted to share with you that I was a fairly new Finslippy reader when you suffered your miscarriage and I remember feeling so, so terrible for you when I read your raw, emotional posts. My heart ached for you back then and I'm glad you were able to find your way back, so to speak.

[Elizabeth_K]

I'm about to (LORD I HOPE) deliver my second and my miscarriage was BEFORE my first and I still think about her/him at least weekly, if not daily.

[calamityshana]

I just started flirting with a blog, and I generally suck at twitter, so thank you for your lapse in posting, it makes me feel better about myself. I very much enjoy you, and Henry. Happy Fall!

[Kendra Riemermann]

I always look forward to your posts, but I mostly survive the dry spells, and I'm sure the earth will right itself shortly.

I haven't watched the video yet, but I am interested to see other people's thoughts. There really is so much guilt that comes with miscarriage--guilt over our responsibility for it, guilt over taking time out to grieve, guilt for "still talking about it," or for having moved on "too quickly." It wasn't until I experienced it myself that I had any idea how common it was, and I wondered why no one had ever talked about it when I was a kid. I think there was one friend of my mom's who had suffered a miscarriage, but it was only talked about once or twice, in very hushed tones. I am so grateful to all the people who talk about it openly and let everyone know that it happens, it's nothing you should keep a shameful secret, and you are not alone.

[Quinn Cummings]

First, thank you for blogging; we who had been hanging out here waiting had started eyeing one another meanly. Second, what you have is hysteria, tinged with dropsy. And possibly a wandering uterus. Laudanum is good for all three, but also ask your doctor about this new coca-leaf infusion I've been hearing about. Third, if there's a sell-by date on grieving, let us all know. I still grieve for my dad who died when I was nine.

[joaaanna]

I have not experienced a miscarriage. This past Saturday my period arrived, when I was sure, I WAS SURE, this time it might be our time. And, it wasn't. It unfortunately came the day that my husband and I were headed to his niece's funeral (24, suicide) and we are hoping that we can adopt her son. All of that combined - made it horrible. But then I talked to his other niece and discovered that she has gone through seven miscarriages. Seven. She has two beautiful children and I cannot begin to experience her pain. I'm glad that I finally know her and hope that I am someone she can talk to, even though I don't know it personally. My greatest fear is that if I ever DO become pregnant - that I will miscarry. Thanks for talking about it so candidly and making it 'ok' to talk about. I am so, so sorry for your loss Alice. Thank you for being brave enough to talk about it.

[Dee]

Thank you so much for speaking for so many. I had a loss last year at 10 weeks also, and the circumstances left me totally mute: I was 44, but had used donor eggs. I couldn't stand telling people because their "consolation" invariably included a reference to the genetic flaw the baby would have had. I couldn't say "NO, ASSHOLE, WE DID THE TESTING AND IT WASN'T MY DNA ANYHOW," so I just kept it quiet. Maybe someday we'll all find the words. I am sorry for your loss, awed at your courage, and aware of the brilliant cutting in the video. Thank you again for opening this conversation up.

[Steph.]

So glad you are back--I'm not a regular commenter but I have always loved your wit and writing style. I switched blog URLS and I've gone through a blog break myself and am now trying to rebuild things. I'm happy to have writing back in my life, but you're right...the longer you stay away from it, the more you self-edit yourself out of posts.

Thanks for sharing about your loss and I'm sorry that you experienced that. Your honesty will really help women who are also suffering through miscarriage know that they are not alone.

[Robin Nowak]

ALICE IS BAAAACK!!!! THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE!!! The sun has miraculously come back out, the grass is greener and the sky, oh the sky is a lovely shade of azure.... ahhhhhhh.

Thanks for coming back to us. I too began reading your blog shortly before your miscarriage and wished I was a close and personal friend. I would have come over with beer, tissues, and hugs to help you through it.

So very glad you are back!!

[Summer]

I was starting to wonder why the world was going all awry. Is that how you spell it? Awry? See, now I can't spell....DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?!?

I've missed you so, but our tweets have kept me somewhat sane.

Never knew you had a miscarriage....how sad that someone as lovely as you had that kind of loss. Life can so not be fair.

First you stop posting and then you come back with this news...

I. Must. Go. Eat. Chocolate.

[Summer]

That comment sounded much better in my head. And then I reread it, and mmmmm, maybe not so much.

Love me.

[Kari]

You had me at "Hello"...Seriously.(don't worry, i'm just your uber creepy blog stalker).

[Jen]

Alice, if you wake up and find yourself in a room with a smooch mark a bit lower than halfway up the wall, get out fast. That bitch behind the wallpaper, she'll try to get you in there with her.

[Elsa]

2) everyone gets mad at me, but secretly, in their heads, so I have to imagine it

Oh sweet slippery whatnot, this hilarious piece of funny knocked me sideways, because I do this. I imagine the ways in which people are angry with me for no good reason, I observe that they do not appear to be angry, and I decide that they are angry in secret.

And it never occurred to me that:a) that's pretty unlikely behavior for even one person in my life;b) the odds of everyone I know independently keeping secret grudges are vanishingly unlikely;c) if they are, then fuck 'em.

So. Thanks for that.

[Erika]

Having just suffered an extremely early on miscarriage last week, I will probably not watch the video, but I'm not sure you ever do get over it. I will think I'm ok and then bam! it's in your face again and the wave of sadness washes over.

[Sarah]

"Sister Theresa of the Bleeding Ramekin?" That is fantastic, and I will be laughing all day because of that one.

Thank you for giving me something to share the next time me and my (now adult and very much lapsed Catholic) siblings endure a session at church. (No matter how old we get, we still play the time honored game of trying to make each other laugh inappropriately while in church.

[Kelly]

Hi -- Love your blog and your humor. Thanks for the post and the topic. I had a miscarriage ten months ago and it has left me worried that I will never have a child. Whenever I see the topic or find out that yet another one of my friends is pregnant (which seems to happen every other day right now), it is like getting punched in the gut. I'm happy for them, but sad for myself all over again. Thanks again.

[Zoë]

Thank you for bringing this into the open. It is such a tragedy that so many women go through this. Pregnancy should be a joyful experience, with a happy outcome, instead of fraught with worry, tears and loss. I had an early miscarriage at 5w 5d just 5 weeks ago, and I think about it all the time. I haven't cried since the day it happened, but I am constantly thinking about what might have been. I have no problems talking about what happened, but I think others do. I am so grateful that I have two happy and crazy kids. If this had been my first pregnancy, I would have lost it.

On a happier note, I selfishly want to see you post more often. I am often sharing your posts with my husband, especially as I see a lot of my 5 year old son's future in the form of Henry who is fabulous (as if you didn't already know).

[amy]

thanks! we miss you when yr away - watching ya now! love momversation!

[Deanna]

Wow! Tisane? I had to look that up. Well played!

[Belle]

It's okay I tend to giggle at funerals or whenever I'm told sad news... it's completely involuntary. I'm sorry you had to go through such a loss, but I think it says a lot that you can make a fart joke about it. :)

[rachel]

Welcome Back. Great post. We know a woman who truly blamed her miscarriage on, of all things, "lack of knowledge of the BIBLE." I have never heard of anything so ridiculous in my entire life. I was certain that she was kidding, but nope, just crazy.

[Franca Bollo]

I had to look up neurasthenia and found this at the bottom of the definition, "Americans were supposed to be particularly prone to neurasthenia, which resulted in the nickname 'Americanitis'". Ha!

Your mental Catholic tormentor is Sister Teresa of the Bleeding Ramekin? Mine is Sister Dennis of the Dutch Oven. Not really but I had Catechism teacher whose name was Sister Dennis. One of the less shame-inducing nuns.