Hallelujah!
December 2, 2011While sifting through boxes of embarrassing photos and scrapbooks, I came across this missal I had received as a gift on my First Holy Communion.
Here I am on that day:
I haven't removed the veil since.
This is clearly a missal meant for youngsters, so that they may be instructed on how Mass works and not suffer an attack of the conniptions when the priest announces that he's about to feed the congregation the body and blood of a human being.
Here's the missal:
Its contents are a rare treat of 1970s sincerity and inadvertent double entendres. I finally figured out how to operate our scanner, so now you get to enjoy it along with me!
"'TAKE AND EAT' says the LORD"? Is the Lord saying it, or that shady character in the vestments?
"Do not fear me, children. I bear snacks. Sacrament-snacks."
I won't really show you every single page, but I especially love the beginning, in which we're told that we begin Mass, basically, by feeling terrible about ourselves. Also: it's very important to have sorrow, but we don't have to feel sad, but we have to mean what we say, which is that we feel sorrow? So we feel sorrow but not sad but how does one feel sad without sorrow or no wait the other way sorrow not sad but sorrow DOES NOT COMPUTE [everything overheats]--
"I humbly beg your forgiveness for this carpeting, O Lord."
"Behold! A trim man-child brings me The Gospels!"
"He looks taller when he's reading. Or is that simply because I'm farther away now? Perspective is a funny thing. I think that's in Paul's Letter to the Corinthians."
"
"This is how I read books. But how do I turn the page, children? HOW?!"
Please note that last paragraph:
"Gifts look best when they are gift-wrapped. So, we come to Mass well-dressed. The priest, especially, in his beautiful vestments, is 'gift-wrapped.'"
"Who wants to unwrap Father Kevin?… anyone?"
"The body of CHRIST would you kids cheer up? No one's making you stand up here! Okay, I guess your parents are. You got me."
I could go on. I really could. But honestly? I feel a little guilty. And I think I might be going to hell for this. I just hope that I get off easy and maybe spend a few millenia in purgatory, amen. Oh, and in case you're wondering:
"Wait, where are you going? I'm making espresso."
Reader Comments (56)
I'm putting off exercise this morning, but now I don't feel so guilty because I just got the ab workout of my life.
-->My son just started Pre-K in a Catholic school. Recently he pulled his hood up on his head and pranced around the kitchen imitation the nun who is the principal. I admit I laughed first and then told him to stop. All that gift wrapping....
Were they still singing the hymn that goes something like, "eat his body, drink his blood and we'll sing a song of love"? It's taken at least 5 of my 18 years in therapy to undo that one.
You are a terrible person. I love you.
I just recently discovered your blog -- fantastic! Having been raised Catholic myself, this post had me in complete hysterics. My youngest son is making his First Communion this spring, and we have one of several preparation meetings tomorrow morning. These meetings generally involve the watching of videos that were obviously made in the same era as your missal -- they star Father Kevin sitting down to explain the wonders of First Holy Communion with an overly chipper young lad over lunch in a school classroom. (Oh, and Father Kevin eats the Mars bar from the boy's lunchbox during their chat -- guess he ran out of sacrament snacks!)
Being a mom of two boys (aged 10 and 7), I can really relate to some of your experiences (including the anxiety). Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your family with us! If you're interested, you can meet mine here: http://pocketfulsoftreasure.blogspot.com/
I promised my exhausted self I'd be in bed looooooong ago, and then I found your blog. I'm trying not to snort too loud in the hallway so as not to wake the little ones.