Give me your worst parenting stories

I need them. For my mental health.

And no, not the stories of other horrible people messing up—the stories of good, virtuous you messing up.

I need to know that you can be a good parent and still deeply, deeply suck at it, at times. Today, for instance. When I yelled so loudly at my son that my throat still hurts. (Did you know that mittens are an instrument of torture? That socks are painful? Neither did I, until I met Henry.) Thank god I don't have a deadline tonight because I need this glass of wine. And I need to go to bed before 8. And wake up in a few years, when he's able to dress himself.

Speaking of deadlines, a new Wonderland is up!

And now it's time for you to share your Stories of Parental Ineptitude. I know you won't let me down.

Now that I think of it, I'm holding a contest. The Parental Ineptitude tale that amuses me most will win...something. I haven't thought that through yet. My deep and abiding respect? Something like that. I need to have more wine and think about it.

Comments

[kerflop]

Ha. My worst parenting moment is one I'm still getting attention and email for - OVER A YEAR AFTER THE FACT.

'Course, my bad for publishing it online in the first place I suppose.

I handed my child a Magic Eraser knock off by 3M/Scotchbrite and mid-wall cleaning he rubbed it on his face.

And then we went to the ER because the thing burned him, or abrased him or something.

Manuals would be nice, no? Though I've been told the planet doesn't need a manual to know not to hand their kid chemical cleaning agents.

[Rhonda]

My secret mommy shame: My 3-year-old was screaming and crying because she wanted a cookie and I had told her no already. I couldn't take it anymore, apparently, because I screamed, "you want a cookie? FINE!" and proceeded to hurl the cookie at her head. Unfortunately, it actually hit her in the head and left a red mark. She just stood there shaking and crying. And I still feel terrible about it, years later.

Every mom has off days. Hang in there.

[Joey]

Let's see...I stay out until 4 or 5am more nights that I don't, because drinking all that whiskey (and maybe doing all those drugs!) sure takes time. Plus, there's all those boys out there. All those boys, with whom the kissing happens!

Oh wait, that's why I'm not a parent. Because I would be THAT BAD.

(Feel better? Hope so!)

[HeyJoe]

Dear Alice,

I don't have one story in particular to relate, but simply the recurring feeling that I wasn't cut out for parenthood. I'm too impatient, expect too much, and am far too selfish and resentful. But in spite of all my inadequacies, I feel a love for my children that is indescribable and at times, over-powering; a dichotomy that I have yet to understand and doubt that I ever will. All we can do is our best.

Ploddingly,Joe

[emily]

I dumped my (then) 8-week old head first onto the hardwood floor from his carrier because I didn't strap him in and the handle didn't latch. I thought it was OK because I was just moving him into the next room. I had to call the pediatrician and confess. He was fine, but I will never get the image of that little baby hitting the floor out of my mind.

Yesterday, I said "What the fuck?!?" while driving when someone pissed me off. My 3-year old said "What Mommy?"

I got so mad at my 3-year old that I threw his sit-and-spin and broke it.

There has been plenty of yelling too (at the 3-year old). It happens to us all.

[Sarah]

My daughter hit her head today on the floor. She fell from the third shelf of the refrigerator.

She is 14 months old.

I sense it isn't the last time this will happen.

[Sharon]

This is THE most humiliating/funny moment in my life. Picture the scenario. I'm at work, it's 1:45 and I have to leave at 2:30 to pick up Adam from Senior Kindergarten. I call home for my voice messages - this is something I hardly ever do but I'm so incredibly thankful that I did. The first message is from Roger's Video......please return your late movies....blah blah blah.....#7 delete. The second message is from Ursula, Adam's SK teacher. It goes something like this: "Hi Sharon. This is Ursula. I never thought I would encounter this problem with one of my kindergarten students but I had to confiscate a liquor bottle away from Adam today. He was sitting in the cubby area with the other kids around him and was pretending to drink from it while saying "I'm drinking alcohol and I'm not even getting sick". I took the bottle away and had a talk with him about how drinking isn't cool. Can you please come to the school early so we can discuss this?"

I hung up the phone and literally started banging my head against the desk while laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe. Laura (my boss) at this point was freaking out because she thought I was crying - it might have been the tears rolling down my face - and wanted to know what happened. Were the kids okay? Did Paul get hurt? I took a moment to catch my breath, held up my hand and managed to tell her I was laughing. At which point, I started laughing all over again. I tried to explain what was happening but instead just let her listen to the message.

I manage to compose myself and called my husband at work. Daniella, his partner answered. Paul had stepped out but did I want to leave a message. Yes, I replied. (1) Please call home and listen to the voicemail and (2) WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING?????????? At this point, I now have to get in my van and drive to Adam's school to explain to Ursula what happened. I supposed your wondering too.

The previous Thursday, Adam and I went to the LCBO to purchase some wine. At the front counter they had a display of little liquor bottles. Adam wanted me to buy him one. Being the good mother that I am, I said no. He kept pestering me because he thought the little bottles were cute (and I have to agree with him - they are cute and I can see how a little boy would find them attractive). For the next 3 days, like only a 5 year old child can do, he proceeded to ask, demand and whine for me to buy him a little liquor bottle, 60 times and hour for every waking hour. Finally on Sunday, I broke down and said "Listen, Nonno and Nonna have a tonne of those little bottles at their house. Ask THEM for one when you go there on Wednesday" the whole time thinking he would forget about it. Fast forward to Wednesday evening. Adam comes home from Nonna's house with a little liquor bottle. *sigh* I empty it and wash it out and let him have it. No big deal, right? But apparently, my husband thought it would be okay to allow Adam to bring it to school the following day for Show and Share. Which brings me back to having to walk into the classroom and tell Ursula that I really am not encouraging my 5 year old to drink. Which makes me pour a big glass of wine when I get home.

[Aimee]

I took my middle son out of his booster seat at the age of 3 because I was tired of having to buckle in two small children. (This isn't the bad mommy part, it's coming yet.) Without the booster seat he could buckle and unbuckle himself. Hurrah! Except he would unbuckle while we were driving down the road. So, while driving down the road one day, he unbuckled himself. After several pleas and threats to get him to rebuckle, in a fit of Mommys-going-to-teach-you-a-lesson-about-keeping-your-seatbelt-buckled I slammed on the brakes. He went flying forward, hit the seat, and fell face first on the floor. And, in my Mommy Rage Moment, I said, "See, that's what happens when you unbuckle your seatbelt before we get home."Fortunately, said son was alright (after a while) The funny thing is we never had a problem with the seat belt being unbuckled inappropriately again. (Maybe because he discovered that Mommy is a raging lunatic who cannot be trusted?????)

[amber]

The other day, instead of giving in to my toddler's constant demands (by "demands," I mean "gut-wrenching screams") for her pacifier, I offered her a sucker. And when that didn't work and she was snorfling and tears were pouring down her face and she was still emitting that horrid screech, I offered her TWO suckers. There was a pause in the crying then while she considered the enormity of what I was offering, and I (sensing I might be about to broker a deal) had to bite my tongue to refrain from offering her THREE suckers.

Now, ever since then, if I let her have a sucker, she looks at me carefully and says, "TWO suckers."

Which...no.

[JO]

oh gawd...many years ago I laid down with my 2 year old to entice her into her nap and fell sound asleep....when I woke up...much later...she was gone, her underpants full of poop was on the floor and the front door was ajar...yes, this was my second worse moment...my worst moment is when the police asked me what she was wearing and I sobbed "nothing"...She was found two blocks from home with her big sisters panties on with both her legs thru one hole with her doll, Miss Beasley, who she was taking for a walk. It was awful. I hope this makes you feel better.

[Anna W]

I unlatched the tray of my son's high chair and for some reason instead of just shaking the crumbs off for the dog, I let her lick it clean. I intended to wash it, but forgot until the next day when I set some finger food on the high chair tray again. Opps!

[Marcheline]

I'm such a bad parent, I forgot to HAVE kids!

Can't beat that, no sirree.

[Someone Being Me]

These stories made me laugh. I think my lowest parenting moment so far was when I took my son 2 hours away when he had been sent home sick from daycare so we could do our family Christmas pictures. He was sent home throwing up and feverish but I didn't want to cancel this appointment we had so we went anyways. He threw up twice at the studio before we took the pictures then we took him back home and he ended up in the hospital the next day. He had a double ear infection, RSV which turned into pnuemonia, and a stomach bug. As pay back I picked up the stomach virus and was throwing up the whole time he was in the hospital. I wrote about it on my blog http://someonebeingme.blogspot.com/2007/11/picture-perfect.html & http://someonebeingme.blogspot.com/2007/11/plague.html .

[Thumbelina]

My mum's best friend's daughter nearly drowned in a wading pool while my mum and her friend were holding the kid by her hands. They were chatting away, and fortunately, glanced down to see the kid looking up at them from underneath the water...

[tiffany]

already posted once, but have another moment of awewsomeness to add. i let my then 10 month-ish baby girl fall out of a high chair onto her head as i was in another room arguing w my husband. the worst part about this? i'm a pediatric nurse. nice.

[emjaybee]

My kid has this thing about biting and pinching me (mostly me, not so much other people). "No" works for most things, but this...he can't seem to stop. He tries over and over no matter how much I push him away when he goes for it. He kept trying to pinch my boobs today! And later, when he lunged at my arm with his mouth open for a chomp, I slapped his little 2-year old forehead in a self-defense move and shouted NO. Of course he cried. I don't believe in hitting my kid, but I have no idea how to make him stop this!

And I'm tormented that it's just his confused way of trying to give me a kiss or something...because I can't seem to teach him how to kiss/pucker. But you know, biting fucking hurts. A good mother might know what to do, but I have not a clue.

Also, he watched a LOT of Baby Einstein between 3 mos and 18 mos-and when we first started using a high chair. Because it was the only fucking break I got during the day. This was about the time all the studies on TV before 3 will DAMAGE YOUR CHILD'S BRAIN were coming out.

[Jen]

This same scenario has probably already been described, and if so, forgive me.

At the time of the Incident, my older boy was three and a half or so, and the younger boy was one. We were at the mall, on our way to the dreaded Build a Bear. (Mistake number one, the mall, and two, B.A.B.) As always, the elevator was about two hundred yards farther away than the centrally located escalator. My three year old begged for the escalator. Kid two was in the stroller. No problem, I thought, we always sneak the stroller down the escalator at the airport. (Note to self: the airport has wider escalators because of luggage and stuff.)We decide to take the escalator. (Mistake number 3.) I wheel the stroller on, which only narrowly fits. In my struggle to jostle the stroller, on its back wheels, onto the first step, the 3 yr. old decides his courage to hop on with us is GONE, in spite of the fact that he has ridden hundreds of escalators. Apparently I needed to be holding his hand and coaching him. So baby and I are gliding downwards while older kid is screeching in the most blood-curdling possible voice, "Mooommmmmeeeeeeeeee!" and he is turning all shades of purple. The sound positively fills the mall. I frantically try to motion for him to stay put, that we will come back up the other side, and nearly get the stroller stuck by getting it a little crooked while gesturing to the screamer. Narrowly escaping killing the baby and myself w/ the stroller/ escalator problem, we head back up the up side, only to see that a kind but clueless stranger has already taken the screamer's hand and led him down the down side to find mommy. So we loop around for a while, with much screeching and gesturing, and with many disapproving onlookers, until after about four years we are reunited. We slink away in hopes of not being recognized by the time we get to B.A.B., where we assemble the most expensive cow possible. the end.

[Planet Mom]

OMG, I thought that perhaps I was the sorriest excuse for a mother on the planet because I have, on occasion, shrieked at my children until I literally hurt myself. My throat, more specifically. Bless you for letting me know that there are other sorry excuses for parents out there--and by the looks of things, we're not alone.

Oh, here's a link to my most recent screw up. Enjoy. http://planetmom.typepad.com/planet_mom_blog/2008/01/in-the-eye-of-t.html

[mary]

emjaybee- my two yr.old daughter bites and pinches too. I'm trying everything from being all Zen about it to flicking her in the mouth and inflicting pain. I hate it, I want it to stop, I have no clue how to make it stop. Tonight, in reaction to leaving a place she didn't want to leave, she pulled my hair. I mean pulled and pulled until it came out in a clump in her hand. I screamed loudly in front of the house we were leaving. Our friends were watching through the window with pity on their faces. I go between deep breathing and all out screaming in her face. Neither seem to work. I feel your pain, literally.

This is a hard hard job sometimes.

[jenn]

gosh I have a thousand of these stories. and i do post them on my blog, and as a matter of fact, had this same feeling the other day during my post. my kids are 9 and 6, both boys, who fight constantly. One is a whiner and the other a constant talker. I vowed to never use the word shut up, speaking to my children.. i broke that a long time ago. Ive pinched elbows in stores because they wouldnt stop slapping the shit out of each other. Ive yelled until I was blue in the face. the other day, I was trying to work, my kids have been home two weeks mind you, ethan was hungry, i fixed soup it was too hot, a sandwhich the bread was hard, pretzels and they were "stale" so i threw the bag in the air, pretzels went everywhere, and then told him to pick them up.. even though i did go in and do it later and told him to not do it. ive got plenty of stories, and most of them would make me cry.

[SuburbanCorrespondent]

I bet you are feeling better, now aren't you? For our craziness, you can check out the Popular Posts column on my blog. I'd give you the specific URL's, but I'm working on an antiquated computer tonight (and damned glad to have it) and it would take forever.

And don't y'all think that perhaps we expect too much of ourselves and that tends to contribute to our getting upset? Let's lower the bar!

[Torrie]

1) When my daughter was about 4 months old I realized after driving for about a half an hour (IN MANHATTAN) that she was not buckled into her car seat.2) I basically helped raise my friend's baby while she was in Medical school. One night I was putting the kid to sleep. I realized after I turned out the lights and put her in her crib that I had forgotten to brush her teeth. I didn't want to stimulate her by turning on the light, so in the dark I put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and started brushing her teeth. She immediately started crying and I was getting really annoyed with her. I went in the bathroom to rinse off the toothbrush and I realized something was wrong- the toothbrush was all greasy. So, I went into the baby's room and grabbed the tube of "toothpaste". It was Desitin. I had brushed the kid's teeth with DESITIN. I felt so horrible.

[Jenni]

I have had many moments but the one that still sticks out the most happened about a year ago. My five and three year old had been fighting over a swim noodle for about an hour. Chasing each other around the house screaming "MINE" and driving me up a wall.

They both came to me crying and instead of taking the damn thing away and putting it up like any sane person would do . . . I whipped out the cutting board, slammed it on the table and yanked the noodle from the kids. I then grabbed the bread knife and chopped the thing in two.

I turn around to four giant eyes and the quietest children I had ever seen. Oops! Not that this helped the situation at all. Tears rolled because I had broken the noodle. My son and daughter spent the next hour trying to glue, tape and staple the thing together. My husband walks in the door, takes one look and says, "I don't want to know, do I?"

[Robyn Rime]

I have two children, so you'd think I'd have learned with the first that extended periods of silence bode ill...There was the evening that I was so relieved to find my one-year-old quiet for a few consecutive minutes that I ignored all previous training. Tra-la-la, I'll just do these dishes, no crying out there, everything must be fine. And then it was quiet for too long, and I finally looked.And discovered that the toddler had somehow, on my last trip to the fridge, snagged the bottle of Hershey's syrup and was cheerfully finger-painting the floor. At my feet. Seriously, I had chocolate on my shoe. How oblivious can you be?Of course, there's also the time I had him in the jumpy-seat on the kitchen table and he jumped himself right off and face-planted on the floor and two years later my seven-year-old still reminds me of "the day I was a bad mommy"... but that's not as funny.

[Shauna]

The sad thing is I have so very many... Here's just one:

http://belknapkids.blogspot.com/2007/08/first-day-faux-pas.html