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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« Oh yes, you should be jealous. | Main | No one told me it would be like this. »

Give me your highly conditional love.

Where have you been, Alice? Well, I've been right here, dealing with a love-sick psychotic!

Henry's school has been on winter break this week. Because four-year-olds need a break from all that fingerpainting and storytime. (Yeah, I know, the teachers need a break, what-ever.) It's been fun, because my kid, frankly, is a lot of fun, but also? He's kind of nuts. Yesterday he wept because he loves me "and it's just so good." A few minutes later, when I suggested that he put on his socks, he informed me that he was going to "slice [my] head off." When I suggested that perhaps that wasn't the best turn of phrase, he clutched my legs and swore that he was saying it to himself, as a funny little joke. Then he told me he would love me even after he was dead dead dead. Could he have a cookie? No? Then he didn't even like me and never would.

When he got over that bit of heartbreak, he sang me this song:

I love love you so much

I just can't handle it

Behold Mommy! You're the best one ever!

[whispering] but I wish you were a better one

P.S.: Wonderland today! Go see!

Reader Comments (42)

The jokes! Yes, it is the time of jokes for my 4.5 year old. "I was just kidding, Mom." Mostly not in connection with unpleasantries, but no doubt that other shoe, it will be dropping soon.
February 23, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterfalwyn
I second the idea of a series starring the characters Bipolar and Emo.

Lots of potential there!
February 23, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterelise
He is magnificent! I found myself playing the role of punching bag to a frenetic 1-2, 1-2, 1-1-,2-2-, "Mama hold you!" and "Mama! Don't touch me!" flurry of 2.5 year old punches.

Nothin' like the emotional whiplash of being needed and harted and needed again in the space of, of, 90 seconds.
February 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteramanda
He is magnificent! I found myself playing the role of punching bag to a frenetic 1-2, 1-2, 1-1-,2-2-, "Mama hold you!" and "Mama! Don't touch me!" flurry of 2.5 year old punches.

Nothin' like the emotional whiplash of being needed and harted and needed again in the space of, of, 90 seconds.
February 24, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteramanda
I think I've dated your son.
February 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterWeeze
I've been told in the same instance that I'm hated AND I'm loved "better than Noggin".
February 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterIrishGoddess
I've always said that if half the things coming out of my kid's mouth were uttered by an adult, they'd be frickin' craz-y.
February 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterjaleh Teymourian
Dude, I feel for you. Five seems slightly less schizo, but the increase in vocabulary with which to insult is no fun either. If he's all emo at 4 and a half, does that mean the next stage is full-fledged nihilism?
February 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMignon
I gotta say, I don't remember reading ANY of this in the Sears books. But now that I think about it, my toddler does a lot of "mamamamama!" in a sweet love voice, followed by angry wailing. And his loving hugs often end with biting, but I hope that's just teething.
February 25, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteremjaybee
And what's with the slicing off of body parts? Over winter break, I was watching television quietly with my four year old niece when she turned to me and asked if she could slice my cheeks off. I looked at her and slowly said, "Noooo." She then asked, "What about your nose?" Again, I said no. And then, as if offering me something to really mull over, she promised that "it will hurt real bad." I said no, one more time, as I moved away from her on the couch. We then resumed watching television.
February 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKatie
It is creepy just how in synch yours and my four-and-a-half-year-olds are. And I stress the "and-a-half" because the stalk-y kinda love is happening here too. Mine turned four just as Henry did and I actually borrowed your post to try to explain "four" to those who hadn't yet experienced it yet as I was in the throes. Zoe uses the "I was just saying it to myself silly!" line all the freakin time! Tonight in the car she was "singing too loud" to herself. And the borderline creepy but still sweet proclimations? Tonights I got: "I just love you so much ... Can we die together?" She sounds like Air Supply or Journey ...
February 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLisa O
Yep, he's 4.

February 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterOMSH
I am just loving your posts about Henry now that he's 4 1/2. Ethan was also so VERY loving (most of the time...they change their mind on a dime no?) during 4 -- I was actually fearing 5. It's mostly the same but with more outbursts of YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND anytime he doesn't get his way. But still lots of adoration thrown in. He is SO good for my ego!
February 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKelly
get used to it. my almost 8yr old is still like that. he regularly informs me that, while he knows he can't marry me (because i'm already married to daddy), when ho does get married they are going to live in his current bedroom, because he could never live away from me. and he regulary tells me how he hates me. in fact, last december when i put his toy dinosaur in time out (for spitting chewed up carrots all over my car) he had such a fit of rage that after screaming how much he hates me for literally 40 minutes he decided that "when i go see santa i'm going to tell him that I WANT YOU DEAD FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!". sweet, huh?
February 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercrazyjane
I have one of those too... Hope she never changes. At least on the "I'll love you even after I die" part.
February 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAuthorMomDogNut
Your Henry makes me laugh out loud at work on a regular basis.

Oh man, that child is funny.
February 28, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMeghan
Yeah- imagine 20 nutty 4 years olds in one room with their swinging emotions and I guess that is why teachers need breaks.
February 28, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSusie

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