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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
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Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« And I've seen pooping! | Main | It's time for a group hug RIGHT NOW. »
Tuesday
Sep142004

For the men--because I care.

Tonight a friend of mine admitted, with some embarrassment, that he wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to be feeling for when checking for testicular cancer. Instead of sensitively validating his concerns, I said “I bet if you do a Google search for ‘feel your balls,’ you’ll find many informative and educational sites that can provide guidance,” and then I laughed for a good long while, HA HA HA HA, and he chuckled, heh heh, yes, and I kept laughing, BWAAH HAA HOOORK (I coughed a little there) and then I said, “Hey—chortle, chortle, snork—I’m sure there are sites where you can find people who will come to your home and help you feel your balls, ha HA!” and then I laughed some more, and then he walked away, and what do you know, I was STILL LAUGHING! Ho!

So of course my next step was to do a Google search for 'feel your balls.' Wouldn’t you? Strangely enough, the results I found (at least on the first page) weren’t as smut-tastic as I had hoped. But what, pray tell, is this? “Shaving your balls isn’t a sign of being gay. It’s a sign of being very, very brave.” Is that what it’s a sign of? And why can’t it be both? And what does this mean, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World”? And it’s a woman’s world? Why didn’t anyone tell me this before? I have so many questions.

I had all these other things to say, but now… it all seems so pointless.

Oh, look: I just found that if you use double quotes, like I should have done in the beginning (what am I, British?), in addition to some good old-fashioned porn, you get a helpful site on how to check for testicular cancer. And, strangely enough, it’s British.

Don’t ever say I never did anything for you.

Reader Comments (11)

I'm not male, and yet I feel so grateful that you were kind enough to impart this wisdom. It makes me want to shave my balls (you know, if I had any).
September 15, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterMir
Before I've had massive amounts of caffeine, I have enough trouble shaving my chin without severing an artery. I can't imagine negotiating that terrain with a sharp object. Surely there's a male version of Nair?
September 15, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterrobert
Remember those gender-separated special health classes in junior high? In my school, while the girls were learning about our natural, wonderful, beautiful periods, the boys were learning about testicular cancer. A male friend reported to me that they watched a video in which a teenager finds something during a "self-examination" in the shower. He decides to tell his Dad about it, even though he is very embarrassed. He finally admits to his father, "Dad, I found a lump.""Where, son?""On my nut!"And I'm sorry, but the word "nut" should never be used in an educational health video. (Needless to say, the little exchange I quote above became a majorly hilarious reference during my teenage years. We were so starved for good material...)
September 15, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterSWay
There is indeed a male version of Nair (although it's actually the exact same thing as the female version). But you wouldn't want to use it on your balls. The skin is a bit sensitive. Unfortanately I know whereof I speak. Shaving isn't actually all that difficult. Although really, I do think it means your gay.
September 15, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterJustin
Seems to me like in this case, less is more. No? Shave away boys!
September 15, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterwindylou
I made my husband check his nuts, but then he said it tickled. And he was doing it himself.
September 15, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterSarcastic Journalist
My friend in college played in the pep band, whose mascot was a tarted-up mannequin named "Ophelia Balz." Only tangentially related to this post, but amusing nonetheless.
September 16, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterLOD
All the guys I know are really into this shaving thing at the moment- apparently it make everything look bigger (Unless you slip.) I just keep thinking about regrowth and how much that would hurt. HURT.
September 16, 2004 | Unregistered Commentersarahred
All the guys I know are really into this shaving thing at the moment- apparently it make everything look bigger (Unless you slip.) I just keep thinking about regrowth and how much that would hurt. HURT.
September 16, 2004 | Unregistered Commentersarahred
I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't know why I was reading this. Heck, I don't even know how I got here. But somehow I thought you might like this Australian blogger who shaves his balls. Darp Hua
September 26, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterFrancis Xavier Holden
Color me embarassed. I was searching for "slowly and lovingly caress my balls" instead of "feel my balls."

Thanks for clearing this up for me.
October 3, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterPauly D

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