Everyone should get an Abby--but you can't have mine, she's busy enough as it is
December 13, 2011I was in the middle of composing the most sorrowful, self-loathing post ever when my friend Abby called. Abby, whom you may remember from our mall adventures or that time she murdered a chipmunk, is one of my dearest friends and will be for life because I will never let her go. She has three kids, and sometimes I think she tells them to scream/cry/cavort extra loud before she calls me so I can feel better about only having one. They're among my favorite children in the world, but they're children, and when they interact they do so at high decibels and with things around them crashing to the ground. I find it hilarious that she can engage in a conversation when it sounds like the children are setting everything on fire a few feet away.
Her son is the oldest, and he's exactly one month older than Henry, so we often check in to see if some recent aberrant behavior means that one of our children is having a problem, or there's just some developmental age-related mischief at work in their increasingly lanky bodies. Henry and her son Ben are really similar, both of them smart and intense and maybe a little too sensitive for their own comfort. I think Ben is far more easygoing, but that might be because he's not mine and therefore does not push my buttons.
Which brings me back to how I was writing this depressing post, the gist of which was that I am the worst parent ever, have no idea what I'm doing, and should probably pack up and find my son a well-trained governess or related expert who can deal with him in a manner that doesn't involve 1) shouting and 2) more shouting. Because my buttons these days--oh, friends. My buttons. They are all pushed. They have been mashed down so far that they're all broken and I'm like a stuck apartment door buzzer that won't turn off and is just buzzing NO STOP IT I SAID STOP IT GAAAAH.
It's not that he's doing anything that horrible, but oh my god, everything is so…dramatic, lately. There is so much noise. It seems to be noise that is specifically designed to drive us to the limits of patience. It is usually high-pitched and/or repetitive until we are begging for mercy. There is yelling. The yelling is ignored. (And then there is more yelling. The illogic in this does not escape me.) Everything--getting dressed, getting teeth brushed, not petting the cat until she lashes out in cat-fury--everything is a fight. Everything. It's becoming so predictable that the minute we start up I just begin to yell because I can't take it. And then I end the day with a headache and a sore throat and I feel like a monster. Oh! And my child tells me that he thinks he's a bad person and I fully blame myself, and I wake up in the middle of the night wracked with anxiety because I've probably ruined my child's life.
But then Abby called. And Abby described life with her son, and life with HER son is eerily similar if not IDENTICAL to life with mine. All the same behaviors are on display. The noise- and trouble-making. The emotions running at a fever pitch. The expressions of low self-esteem. It's like the two of them have been comparing notes! And Abby is waaahaaay more even-keeled and parenting-skilled than I am. She's definitely not screwing up her kids. Therefore, I concluded, I may not be screwing up mine! Oh, I'm so pretty sure!
We toyed with some strategies. Abby mused that perhaps we should just be extra-tolerant and humor them until they grow out of this phase. I thought this was sweet and adorable and I bet she'll be able to do it! As for me, I wondered if maybe they weren't looking for excuses to rage-weep because of some kind of internal turmoil, so maybe I was doing my son a favor by losing my shit. (Abby seemed skeptical but I think I nailed this!)
Although we reached no life-changing conclusions from our talk, there's already been an improvement around here. Because I'm no longer filled with despair. And I managed to get through the night without once leaping out of bed choking in panic. I can't tell you what a relief it is to discover that my parenting is really not the problem. The problem is nine-year-olds. Which unfortunately he's going to be for ten more months. Now that I'm getting some sleep, maybe I can figure out a way to ride this out.
Reader Comments (47)
Your 9 year old boy is my 7.5 year old daughter. A book (not a parenting one, just a plain old self-help book) that is helping me is called A New Earth by Eckhardt Tolle. I'm not enjoying the nonsense, sobbing and drama w/my kid, but I am trying to take it less as an indictment of myself and my parenting when she flips out. If I actively work to "take my ego out of it" and just be in the moment, even if that moment sucks, and breathe deeply, and accept that, yeah, this sucks and that's the reality, I find that I can scream a little tiny bit less loud and stop shaking a little faster. So, yeah, still work to be done, but....
Two boys here, ages 8 and 10. Yes, yes, and yes to all that is being said.
I can only imagine what sort of hormonal concoction their brains are bathed in at any given moment. Soon enough, however, they will be grown and out of the house, and I will miss terribly the daily presence of those bouncy, distracted, noisy, cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat fellows.
Try having two lovely children with different forms of ADHD. My 9-year-old girl is the inattentive type, so she gets lost in her own thoughts and can't do anything the first time she is asked. My 7-year-old son is the hyperactive type that must be constantly moving and making noise. Some days I just go up to my room, shut the door, and pretend I can't hear them. Only for a few minutes, of course.
Oh I did not need to read this. My oldest son is four and life is supposed to be easy from here on out. I'm screwed.
Jessica: it all comes and goes in waves. A few months ago I was writing about how delightful he is. I'm sure I'll do that again soon. Do not despair!
Sounds like our kids need to be shipped off to some 8-9 yo boy Kibbutz where they can be dramatic, ask all kinds of annoying questions that don't ever stop, practice their whistling and be literal with each other until the sun comes up ("you said one second. It's BEEN a second"). Us mothers? We can pack ourselves into a padded room with comfy blankets and Valium where we can bang our heads against the walls safely, recover our voices and wait until they grow out of it, or kill each other, whichever comes first.
Omagahhhh this was insanely timely.
My son is 8 1/2 and we have so hit the wall full speed. He's about 18 mos behind in school because of poor hearing (which is now fixed) and I KNOW it's not right but I'd like to have back the sweet little partially deaf guy I used to have. The increasingly lanky surly creature stomping Round the house can't possibly be the same kid.
Thank god for this post, Alice! I feel like all I do is yell at my 10 year old boy. Oh, how I yell. He's really a sweet kid... but he's been driving me crazy. Thinks he knows everything... filled with attitude. And he's not even a teenager yet.
I'm glad I'm not alone...
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This week my son was still in his pjs reading when the carpool pulled up in our driveway. I yelled at him at many decibels. (For reading.) He felt horrible and cried. I felt more horrible and apologized. (I yelled at him for reading!) Then, THEN!, two hours later the school called because he felt sick and had a fever. It was like my poor parenting shut down his immune system.
I have a two-year-old who I feel is doing the exact same. Is this supposed to last until he is ten? wow... I think I might need an Abby as well... I have an Ellen, but she doesn't have a kid, so she's just perfect when it comes to everything else...
This is so funny because just this morning one of my best buddies just posted on Facebook that her 9-year old son is driving her crazy. It is definitely a stage. Hang in there (and keep talking to your pal!) and it'll pass. I remember going through that with my son, who is now 14 and an absolute mellow, compliant, jovial and eager-to-please dream. The good news is that once you get through this phase with boys, they are super easy. Now, my 16-year old girl, on the other hand? Not so much. She's been a breeze up until now, though, so I'm confident (hopeful) that this is a stage, as well. Unfortunately, none of my friends have 16 year old girls, so I have no one to commiserate with. I tried talking to my mom, but all she did was laugh uproariously. Something about "karmic payback." LOL. Thanks, Mom...
Three is a million times worse than two. Two is a dreamy sunshine filled vacation on a beach compared to three. I am so thrilled to hear we get to repeat this cycle over and over and over. I always tell myself that the overall arc of parenting is up but wow, there are a lot of dips in that arc. I also repeat to myself, "This too shall pass. This too shall pass," but that does't make it any easier when you are in the thick of it. Oy, this isn't very uplifting but it's nice to know I'm not alone in the battle.
In the kum-ba-yah world of Waldorf, there's such thing as a 9-year-old change, and it is famous for giving everyone heart palpitations. I'm pasting in a link below which you may find useful! Whether or not you subscribe to that vein of child rearing, the article says *this is not your fault, stupid!* I may have paraphrased a little.
http://www.waldorfinthehome.org/2005/01/parenting_the_nine_year_old.html
Enjoy,
S.
Oy vey. I am totally living with a button pusher. He turned ten years old yesterday, which meant I lovingly prepared his favorite meal, made him a delicious peanut butter pie (instead of cake) purchased and wrapped some very expensive and much-wanted gifts, and then, then, had the audacity to ask him to fold a load of towels. Oh. The. Drama. He bitched, he moaned, he complained, it was high-pitched, it was anguished, he was very near tears. I threw a fork, yelled and told him I'd fold the damn towels myself. Sigh. He also has this propensity to dive into "I want to kill myself" jag when he is a) tired, b) hungry and c) stressed out. Super fun!
So, I can totally feel ya, and am totally jealous of your Abby - as I am in a new town and don't currently have an Abby. Buy Abby a bottle of chocolate vodka for Christmas, she totally sounds deserving!
If your 9-year old kid is driving you crazy, most probably she/he is just following the steps of his/her mom. Haha. Wonderful article Alice, as always.
- Kevin
Yes, yes, yes. It's a stage, and I know this because our 8 year old (9 in Feb.) has been putting us through it for a while now. But! We have a 13 year old, and she already did this to us and we won't be fooled again!
My husband and I have a little thing we call "Ignoring Powers Activate!" and we say this to ourselves when the kids engage in button-pushing behavior. It is sometimes difficult to summon the Ignoring Powers, but they are always there and when you activate them you feel like the god of the world because you have kept your calm AND your kid hasn't gotten the rise out of you that he seeks, and soon enough (okay, it never seems soon enough but it does happen) he begins to not go there anymore. Also, it helps to step in to the shoes of your kid to try to figure out where he's coming from. I think parents have a tendency to expect the same behavior from kids that they do from other adults, when in fact the little humans are in a different place developmentally.
Beyond that, please do check out the Scream Free Institute and Hal Runkel's book about Scream Free parenting. I heard him in an interview and he immediately resonated with me. I don't like screaming in relationships, and I found my way to many of the tips he suggests before I had ever discovered him, but it was nice to hear him confirm what seems to work in our household. For what it's worth, 10 is a very sweet age.
I can't tell you how perfect this post it, especially because in 6 hours, I will have my kids home for winter break for the next 18 days. We've started telling our 9-year old that he needs to stop being a martyr, that when we gets down on himself, that makes everything worse. Of course, the way we "tell" him that is in a yelling-fashion but maybe I can be inspired to take a deep breath and not lose my mind everytime he does something boneheaded. Thank you!
shut up. the whole time i read this, i was sure henry was 6. because you were describing my son, and my son is 6.
but now, i read that he's 9. which means....that A: i have 3 more years of this shizz or B: in 3 years I will go through all this again.
Either way, it ultimately means lexapro and clonopin are and will forever remain my best friends. They are my Abby.
As are you.
And Abby.
xoxo
So that's what's up with my just-turned-9 on xmas day son!! i thought he had hit pre-puberty a little earlier...and I call my son "Denzel" when the drama gets very intense. One of your commenters said they had Italian blood, well we are Italian and dramatics, loud yelling and shouting and melodramatic behaviour is part of our daily routine!
I have an Abby already, but I enjoyed reading about yours. :) Keep up the fabulous work!
There are lots of parents that seem to be in agreement about the situation. Curious about the child's problem solving skills. Typically, when children act out it is because there is some kind of issue that they don't know how to resolve. So they let their emotions fly as a last ditch resort for a resolution. Does this seem likely for you? Would teaching children these skills abate some of these issues in the future?
From the blog: Can There Be a Punishment Free Home?
http://www.impetusengagement.com/blog/2012/11/7/can-there-be-a-punishment-free-home-part-1.html