Ernie loves only himself, his rubber ducky too.

My group of FWAP (Friends Who Are Parents) all exert considerable amounts of energy bitching about the sorry state of today’s Sesame Street. “It used to be so great!” they moan. “Remember Kermit? And Gordon wearing bellbottoms? And how Bob was a young guy, not a gray husk of withered tissue, neither alive nor dead? And how Mr. Hooper wasn’t a pile of decomposing remains buried under Big Bird’s nest? Remember?”

But most of all, they hate Elmo. They hate all the other new Muppets too, of course. (And I agree with them about Baby Bear. Yes, we get it, you’re wee. Now shut your puppet-hole before I stab you in the wee little eye.) But Elmo apparently represents all that is bad in this world. Elmo is George Bush/Bin Laden/Jennifer Love Hewitt* in a fur suit. Down with Elmo. Boooo. Boooo.

(*I dislike Jennifer Love Hewitt.)

As an all-too-frequent viewer of Sesame Street, I have watched Elmo in action plenty of times. And I have to say, he doesn’t particularly bug me. Partly this is because my son is in love with him; it’s hard to hate someone your son discusses with such dewy-eyed reverence. But also he strikes me as benign, if alarmingly cheerful. No, the character who really causes me distress is an old favorite—an old favorite who I believe is in dire, dire need of retirement.

Ernie.

Before you start hissing at the screen, have you people watched Ernie in action lately? He does nothing but wreak havoc wherever he goes. He’s a sociopath.

Let us compare and contrast:

Elmo: Uses amiable, albeit imaginary, conversations with his pet goldfish as opportunities to learn and grow.

Ernie: Blames malevolent impulses on rubber ducky.

Elmo: Is patient and kind with the deranged lunatic (and, occasionally, the deranged lunatic’s brother) who loiters outside his window.

Ernie: Torments his long-suffering roommate, Bert, on a regular basis.

Elmo: Invites guests to “Elmo’s World” to talk about themselves. Then he sings a song about them.

Ernie: Takes big Muppet-dumps on everyone’s feelings. For instance: he repeatedly disrupts a “Birdketeer” meeting, finally taking over and declaring it a “Duckateer” meeting, thus emotionally devastating Big Bird. And: he ruins Baby Bear's porridge, for no reason. I know it's Baby Bear, but still!

It was his breakfast!

Elmo: Patiently works through conflicts with all of his friends, even Zoe, who’s clearly suffering from several personality disorders.

Ernie: Forces Big Bird to accompany him on mind-altering “journeys” to frightening, hallucinatory landscapes, where he hides, taunting him.

Elmo: is sweet.

Ernie: is a shithead.

Now do you see?

Comments

[Amanda]

I need to either have children (sounds like a lot of work) or start willingly watching Sesame Street on my own to check on your evaluations.

Oh, the things I do for you!

[Tammy]

Not to mention I have heard Cookie monster is going to start eating carrots more so than cookies. What is up with that? My oldest son (7) wont let me youngest (15 months) watch Sesame Street the Wiggles or Barney. Someones gotta take control around here!

[Jen]

100% agreed! I especially got a chuckle out of your Zoe zing. Thanks!

[jilbur]

Ernie should get together with the Cat in the Hat. Frenzied near-homicidal maniacs the both of 'em.

[Sheryl]

But Ernie has always been like that. In his defense if you had a lover (who are they kidding) who collected paperclips and whose favorite animal was the pigeon, I think you'd be looking to kick up a little mischief too. Opposites attract I guess.

[Ninotchka]

"I know it's Baby Bear but still! It was his breakfast!"

...is the part that got me. Brilliant! roflol

[dr. dave]

Ernie has always been a bit of an ass. I always considered him to represent the archetypal "Best Friend Who Is Kind Of An Ass, But You Put Up With Him/Her Anyway Because They Are Your Best Friend" kind of character. Doesn't everybody have one of those? I think Ernie may be everyone's first encounter with that kind of person.

Dr. Dave

[Mrs. Kennedy]

I kind of hate that little drama queen Rosita.

[Brooke]

"Muppet dumps" had me cracking up for five minutes in a row.

I'm so tired.

[Mir]

Oh, my. It's all so clear, when you put it this way. Actually? Bert's bottle cap collection? If you figure it's filled with caps from Sam Adams' rather than Figgy Fizzes, it suddenly all makes sense. Ernie is a lovable but abusive lush.

I also hate Baby Bear and his wee-ness. Gah.

[Karoni]

I totally agree. I watch daily with my 2 1/2 yr son and I have to add that Elmo is a nice little guy who sometimes dresses quite dashing. However, Ernie (and Bert) are still in there 1975 wardrobe. I remember having shirts like them. Scary!

[robb]

my children's television hitlist (as of 10/18/2004):

1. Franklin the Turtle. As far as I can tell his sole point is to teach out children to be whining, deceptive jerks.

2. Zoe/Rocko. The thing is that this is why I can deal with Elmo. Elmo called bullshit on the whole Rocko scenario. All I wanted was for him to do some damage with Rocko to Zoe's foam cranium.

3. Baby Bear. What an asshole. I just don't get it -- is he supposed to be teaching our kids to be maladjusted nerds?

4. Miffy and company. I just keep hoping that everything on Miffy is going to immolate. This show seems to be focused on teaching our children to have OCD. Just how long can one belabor the act of pressing a leaf or hanging a picture?

The good guys:

Moosehead Moose and Zee.Maisy and friends except Cyril.Bert. Who is very cool.Grover. Everyone's out-out gay world travelling super hero friend.

[sarahred]

I recently became able to do some research into childrens television (ie, I have glandular fever and have to stay at home all day) and my extensive study has concluded that Elmo is on crack. Look at those big eyes and the state of his house. Besides, Bert doesn't stand up for himself.I like the bear in the big blue house, though.

[Karen]

I will agree that Ernie can be a bit annoying, and I'll admit that Elmo can get on my last nerve every once in a while as well. But I'm sorry -- as long as there are Barnies and Teletubbies in the world, Elmo and Ernie will forever remain tolerable.

[SWay]

When my twin sister and I were younger, we'd fight over which one of us was Ernie and which one was Bert. We each thought ourselves Ernie (popular, confident, happy) and the other Bert (nerdy, depressed, uni-browed). And of course, in reality, we were both Bert. This post and its comments are helping me become more comfortable with my inner Bert. Thanks, internets!

Meanwhile, re: today's preschool TV world, does anyone else love Oobi like I do? I thought I'd hate it -- hand puppetry without puppets? how LAME -- but it's totally clever and inventive and sweet. Except for the fact that everyone speaks in a simplified English for some reason ("Oobi, you, friends!"). That aspect is kind of dumb.

[Clare]

Elmo on Sesame Street: OK.

Tickle Me Elmo, Chicken Dance Elmo, any Elmo running on batteries: VERY, VERY BAD.

[Mary]

Hmm, I didn't know you didn't like Bush either, along with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I have to say, I'm glad to hear that you haven't yet (or if you have, I've missed it) resorted to the obligatory Bush-is-the-anti-Christ post.

Love your blog!

[Mary]

Oh, and Grover is gay???? I'm so behind the times!

[Becca]

Becca doesn't like Elmo so much because Elmo only talks in the third person...Becca thinks this can be VERY annoying.Becca also likes Maisy and her friends and thinks poor Cyril cops it all the time...Becca thinks you should listen to Charley from another room though..doesn't his voice creep you out too?

[Lunasea]

Like Becca, Lunasea is also irritated by Elmo's third person crap. And she also thinks that even though she's not crazy about Elmo and finds Zoe redundant, they're both better than Barney.

[mimi smartypants]

Minor correction to "the good guys" comment above: Maisy and friends EXCEPT CHARLEY. Charley is such an obnoxious stoner, you can practically see the bong smoke boiling out of his crocodilian head, and if you invited him over to your house you just know he would break something.

Cyril, I have no beef with. And in a weird way it was kind of charming when Cyril peed his pants and Maisy helped him out.

Okay, we watch too much Maisy.

[Sherry]

But don't you remember the sweet side of Ernie? Apparently, the Ernie who used to sing really nice songs about visiting the moon has turned into a sociopathic monster.

Sigh...everything went to hell in a handbasket with Henson died.

[Suzanne]

Even worse than Chicken Dance Elmo running on full-strength batteries? Chicken Dance Elmo with nearly dead batteries. Truly scary.

[CursingMama]

I've been a mom for what - 12 year now and just now it all clicked. Ernie was Gameboys FAVORITE! We had a big Ernie doll, we had a little Bert doll, we still have a rubber duckie. I was so glad the day Gameboy Dumped Ernie for Mickey Mouse - now there's a character I can get behind.

[corie]

Ernie = shithead. I think that's why I like him so much.