Don’t get too excited
January 18, 2011My friend was telling me about this great job she’s being considered for, and while describing how fantastic it sounds, she cut herself off by saying, “I know, I shouldn’t get too excited, it might not happen.” Which prompted me to ask, why couldn't she get excited? What’s “too” excited, anyway? She wasn’t wetting herself (I don’t think). And what’s so dangerous about excitement? She’s not insane; it’s not like she’s going to run out and buy herself engraved business cards with the new position she may or may not have. If she doesn’t get the job, her disappointment will not be lessened by the knowledge that at least she didn’t let herself get excited. (How unseemly that would have been!)
Sort of related: one day when I was around six, I was holding hands with my friend and skipping around like a goof, laughing uproariously, when I tripped and bonked my mouth on the gravel. As my mom mopped up my tears and bandaged my chin, I clearly remember her telling me this: “Laughter always leads to tears.” I told my friends this years later, and it became a running joke whenever we laughed at anything: “We should stop,” one of my friends would solemnly declare, “before the tears come.”
Now, I may have misheard my mom; she may have meant “laughter while hopping up and down with your similarly uncoordinated friend will always lead to tears,” but either way I think part of me believed the original statement, and still does, a little. I’m often concerned that I’ll look foolish being happy and excited, because there’s probably bad news lurking just around the corner. And I don’t think I’m alone in that. I think many of us suspect that the Universe is going to see us feeling happy and confident and boldly carrying forth and it’s going to be all, “Ah, good, now I know whom to take down a peg.” And then everyone will laugh when we think we see a bee in the bathroom stall and run out screaming with our skirt hiked up to our waist. For instance.
It’s all fantasy, of course. The Universe is busy with other things, like birthing galaxies and expanding. It’s not looking askance at anyone for thinking too much of themselves. So why not be exactly as excited or pleased or hopeful as we’re feeling? Just let ourselves be, for once? Cut ourselves a huge goddamn break? The disappointments and bad news will come no matter what we do, but meanwhile, keeping yourself in check in anticipation of that moment is just a terrible shame.
Reader Comments (56)
Yes! You're so right. My mother told me she thought worrying about something made it less likely to happen, so I adopted the same policy. Now I worry if I stop worrying, that will open the floodgates of all the things I've been keeping at bay by my worrying. Because that's not crazy.
I too don't get too excited about things in case they don't happen, but since when is feeling good about yourself ever wasted? Sure, you could come crashing down later, but maybe you won't.
Wait. Hold it. So it would be okay to laser-print myself some business cards for the job I want? ;)
I totally agree with you on this.
I had almost this same conversation with my husband the other day (except I was the one worrying about getting too excited). He said to me, "Do you think life is like the Monkey's Paw? If you wish for something good, something bad will happen, too?" And I nodded and said, "EXACTLY! That's it EXACTLY!"
Hi Alice
You have such a lovely style with your words. I've only stumbled across your blog recently but have enjoyed every post I've read so far. I frequently catch myself playing the cautious card when something exciting might be happening (this is probably also because I'm British and we're quite good at being modest/cynical/grumpy - delete as appropriate) but you are right; hesitancy is just nonsense and more whooping and skipping should be occuring when good things may be coming our way!
Lovely food for thought, thank you
Suzanne
My father-in-law is a very strong believer in what he calls "mountaintop experiences." His theory is that when everything is going well, you should prepare yourself for the worst. Because when you're at the peak of the mountain, there's nowhere to go but down. Or, I say, you could just stay there on top of the mountain. Or perhaps you have a hot air balloon, and things will get even better.
Oh you proverbs, how you anger me! You are so depressing and the wet blanket on every party in life. Another that comes to mind is the old "if wishes were horses than beggars would ride."
I mean seriously universe, give me my laughter and some wishes and butt out. Merci.
My friend and I were just talking about this the other day! We were agreeing that, in spite of all our logically and consciously-held beliefs, we are still at some level awfully superstitious. You are absolutely right.
My mom has spent her whole life trying to get over laughter followed by her mother's, "you'll cry by the end of the daaaaay".
She tried not to pass it on, it only sort of worked.
So there is this Brazilian saying that goes, "Ta rindo? Vai chorar!" Basic translation: "you're laughing? well you're gonna cry!" It's a saying that my husband's grandfather used to ALWAYS say to his daughter and his grandchildren, and it truly amuses me. I think he used it most often when the kids would be laughing about something naughty, and they had some punishment coming to them. Now at family get-togethers, whenever everyone starts laughing, someone will yell out, "Ta rindo? Vai chorar!" which makes us all laugh harder:)
I always do this! I'm always afraid to share good news because the universe will see me gloating and take it away. wouldn't want to jinx it, you know. I hereby declare I will not be fooled by the evil universe any longer and will be happy when I am happy and share my good news no matter how early it is!
I can always tell when there will be tears in the next room depending on how high pitched the laughter becomes.... at that moment I usually check on the craziness... but as adults, I think laughter is SO important... AND excitement. I mean, we don't get a lot of excitement very often - unless we are millionaires I guess... so enjoy enjoy enjoy, I agree!
I love this post and your take on it! Yes, let's just be happy and enjoy the moment!
I don't think I've ever commented on your site before, although I'm a long time fan of your work. But this. This post right here. EXACTLY. I absolutely abhor when people say things like, "Well, don't get *too* excited, it might not work out." Well, of COURSE that's a possibility, it's ALWAYS a possibility, but the possibility isn't increased by feeling happy. How is that even logical?! And if the falling apart comes to fruition, I will then feel whatever feelings are appropriate and authentic for that situation. But right now, in this exciting moment? I happen to be EXCITED, and I plan on enjoying every single second of it. And anyway, how is my happiness a deterrent in your life? Don't piss on my parade, asshole.
Ahem. Sorry. It really gets my goat.
God, yes! YES! YES! YES!
Once upon a time, a long long long time ago, I dated an extravagant, heartless liar. Ever since, I've been unable to say "I trust you" because of the absolute fear that one day I'll find out I've been had. Which means that I rob myself of joy every day.
Yes! I'm absolutely and viscerally terrified to "get my hopes up"--if anything good (or even just mildly pleasant) appears on the horizon, I have to be very careful not to get excited about it, or even look at it too closely or think about it too much, lest it disappear. What is this paranoia?
I'm very uncomfortable being openly enthusiastic about things, or openly enjoying anything. I have a Post-It up on my wall on which is written a quotation from one of John Green's videos: "Nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff.... Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like, jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can't-control-yourself love it. When people call people nerds, mostly what they're saying is, 'You like stuff.' Which is just not a good insult at all, like, 'You are just too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness.'"
I don't need anybody to make me feel better about being a nerd, but I do sometimes need to remind myself that it's okay to be enthusiastic about things and get excited about life.
Thank you for posting this, Alice, because it is very timely for me.
Yep. Whenever my brother and I were having too much fun playing, my mom's response always was "From laughing comes crying..." I wonder where it came from. It really is so, so depressing. My husband and I say it to our kids sometimes just to laugh when they look at us like we are senseless crazy people. It's a great way to pass it on!
I'd never heard that phrase before (laughter --> tears), and here's my Pollyanna take on it: if you laugh too damn hard, you'll start crying. Think: amazing night out with the girls kind of laughing too hard. So, just, you know, be prepared. Carry a hanky.
Intellectually, I know being happy won't curse me, but woohoo do I carry around that fear.
And having kids? I spent the first year convinced someone was going to come and say "oh we're sorry, you don't deserve these miracles."
Can we really just change our minds and stop thinking this way?
Wow. Just wow. Why have I never seen this before. You are BRILLIANT.
Jeez, I have been doing the exact same thing online ALL DAY. I had some potential good news about work this morning, which doesn't come too often lately, so I IM-ed a few people to tell them about it, not thinking through the inevitable response, which was "Great!" or "Congratulations." And each time they said it, I would feel the knot in my stomach. I'm not sure if it was the fear of what was going to happen, or shame at what THEY would think if it all fell through. I could easily imagine two of my friends speaking to each other:
"But didn't he say that he was going to get the gig?"
"I know. I even said, "Congratulations!" For nothing. What is wrong with that guy?"
"It's sickening. He raised our expectations, and now disappoints us. What a loser."
"I say we unfollow him from Twitter!"
"And Facebook!"
I need to read this post again, because now I feel a bit of shame writing this comment.
I have to stop doing this.
Sigh, I am the same way, tho I haven't heard that saying before.
Perhaps, tho, that saying means that kids laughing too much = probably getting into trouble, or getting too wild, and thus someone is bound to get hurt soon. Almost like the phrase, "it's all fun and games till someone gets hurt/pokes their eye/etc." U know?
I don't know why I'm "sticking up for" that phrase, but I want it to be less depressing somehow ;-).
Yes, dammit, YES. So much more I'd like to add, but I'm too busy being so freaking excited about possible things.
Yes! Exactly! Why NOT get your hopes up? It feels so much better to be happy and excited about things than to think the worst or at least not the best. This is one of my secrets to living a happy life because you know what? If the thing I'm excited about doesn't pan out, I'm not gonna regret that I didn't spend my pre-disappointment time in a black frame of mind. There's plenty of time for disappointment when it really matters.
Having said that, I realized several years ago that despite the aforementioned attitude applied to my own life, I found myself saying to my then 6-year -old daughter "I don't want you to get your hopes up" if I thought something she was looking forward to might not pan out (like a playdate). Then one day I asked myself, "WHY NOT? Why can't she get her hopes up, too?" Thereafter and ever since, she has permission to get her hopes up.
Alice, this is WONDERFUL! Thank you!
And my Italian grandmother once told me: "what make-a you laugh now, make-a you cry later." I think she was referring to the fact that I wanted to watch TV instead of doing my homework. In that context, it seemed to make sense.