Depression: the awful sequel
April 30, 2011So, the thing is, I am not feeling all that well.
Sometimes you just need to say it. I feel bad! I am feeling poorly. In the head, that is.
I had a lovely time on tour and at the conference--I truly did! I wasn't the crying-on-the-inside clown I can sometimes be at these things--but shortly after I got back a whole cascade of awfulness knocked me right over. I could blame it on exhaustion, and I'm sure that contributed, but also I've been adjusting to some new meds mixed in with withdrawal from my old meds. My old meds, which, it became clear, I still needed, so now I'm back on 'em. Plus the new one. Plus another one, for anxiety. It's getting very Valley of the Dolls up in here. I've got a Lazy Susan of pill bottles.
The acute horror of depression-recurrence has abated, mostly--I'm ambulatory, able to laugh and shower, and so on. But I haven't yet experienced that relief that washes over me when I realize my brain is back to its regular, happy hum. I'm no longer horrible, but I'm frustrated. And irritated. And maybe a little despairing? Every time this recurs, I feel the teensiest bit hopeless. I like to believe I have my Depression beat, but here it's been lurking in the shadows all this time, waiting, ready to pounce.
That dick.
Reader Comments (63)
Indeed.
You're such an inspiration to me. Seriously.
Sorry you feel the way you do about your lazy susan of pills. We all have things we deal with over and over again, and feel discouraged when they return after a long absence. I hope that you can see that you are stronger this time and better equipped to move past this.
Also, exercise helps me kick depression to the curb. Those endorphins just make me feel good, even if it's the last thing I want to do at first. Wouldn't it be awesome if the answer was something as simple as a long brick walk somewhere?
Sometimes it works....
I'm so sorry. I've been through that before. Hopefully, you'll feel better soon. Depression is no fun.
Thank you for sharing, Alice.
I fear the despair most. I truly pray your hum returns soon.
Lean on your boys, they love you.
Minneapolis
I know this feeling so well - not just the depression, but the feeling that damn it, you HAD this. You'd conquered this and moved on in life!
Here's to that wave of relief and "normal" coming sooner than later...
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time! Hang in there, sister, and surround yourself with positive people. They are very distracting.
One thing I have noticed about myself is that extrovert activities trigger depression for me. I am an introvert, so if I had to do something like a book tour, it would be such a stretch for me that it would likely send me into the Depression Hole.
It took me a long time to figure that out, but once I did, it at least helped me prepare a little, for times when I was forced to do a lot of extrovert stuff. I don't know if you are an introvert, but I'm told this is not uncommon.
Either way, I hope you feel better soon. I think this stuff is especially hard when you've had a big victory and feel like you should be happy about it, but can't be.
Re-framing situations in your mind is key. They're not psychological problems; they are psychological opportunities!
I know how you feel. For me, it's not depression as much as anxiety and a general sense that I should be panicked about something. Either way, it sucks to feel the return of something you thought you'd moved past. I've totally been there, and hope you feel better soon. And I agree with Danielle about the flash dancing. :)
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm thinking of you. (Constantly. Obsessively.) xo
Sending much love (because I don't know what else to do/say - doing my first dance with depression myself).
xoxo
i'd be on something mild right now, if not for taking a med for migraine a few times per month. everyone is jiggy about serotonin syndrome. my GYN was in the middle of handing me a script for a lo-dose of lexapro last fall...until the black box popped up on this laptop screen, followed by "talk to your neuro". so, a little xanax a few times per month for anxiety & insomnia, saffron tea most days and SUN when i can. :)
thank you for sharing. xx
Well, you've been traveling, the season has just changed, you're tired, you've just finished a huge project-- it's really not surprising that depression is rearing its ugly head. But, well, yeah, it sucks.
Particularly since, even in these days of increasing awareness about mental health, it can still seem like depression ought to be something a person could just shake off with vigor and will.
I'm glad to hear you're already feeling a bit better.
Here's to a full, happy recovery!
I am sorry you are suffering. Me too, and no matter how many times I tell myself "bs happy dammit", it just does not seem to work. Hang in there, and thanks for sharing.
I'm so sorry Alice, I know exactly how you feel. I think I am old enough now to be "over it", but it smacks me in the face every winter. I am so glad that spring is here or I would be feeling exactly the same as you are. Take care of yourself. Sometimes that lazy susan of pills is a lifesaver!
I am so sorry and I hope you feel better soon. And, I thank you for sharing this.
I'm sorry you're feeling bad; that sucks. I've been dealing with depression most of my life, and I can't take anti-depressants because I have some kind of weird body chemistry that tries to kill me when I take certain things (anti-depressants, some allergy and cold medicines, etc.) So lately I've been taking SAM-e and a lot of B-complex vitamin supplements and that has helped a lot, but it took a while to figure out the dosage and that I HAVE to take the B vitamins with it or I have horrible stomach problems. To anyone considering taking SAM-e: do NOT take it with an anti-depressant; apparently that's a dangerous thing to do. I also watch and read as many funny things as possible. I just read Sarah Silverman's book "The Bedwetter," and highly recommend it. It's hilarious! I hope you feel better very soon.
To commenter Jackie, who mentioned Of Montreal's "Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse," I love them, and that song!
I have it too. I just had to up my meds after enduring 6 months of extreme stress. It took a couple of weeks but I do feel better. That awful ache around my heart has lifted and my stomach doesn't feel like it's in a vice. I feel for you. It sounds like your meds have taken the edge off. You should feel better though, so if you don't in a few weeks, re-visit with your Doctor. Nobody can understand how awful it is unless you've been there. I've been there. You're not alone.
Consider Bipolar II if you have recurrent depression. Hey, it's good enough for Catherine Zeta-Jones!
www.psycheducation.org is awesome, take the BSDS questionnaire
Be careful taking an SSRI unless you have ruled out BP II - that is how I was diagnosed, tanking after a month of an SSRI
Good luck! It sucks I know but there are ways to manage it - meds, therapy, friends, exercise...
My dad has had two major bouts of depression, the first after he retired, the 2nd after he finished a book he'd been working on for almost 10 yrs. His MD points to the not-so-surprising coincidence that both of these life changes created a feeling of loss.
Anyway, it occurs to me that you may be going through something of the same thing. Book done? Check. Book tour over? Check.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, and hope that feeling of relief kicks in soon.
Alice,
I know it is tough. Depression just pisses you off sometimes, doesn't it? You go through a long period of time when you suffer no ill effects...and then...boom! Something knocks you on your ass.
Dear Alice - you brought me out 'of the closet,' so to speak. Thank you. Please read. My friends and colleagues have been so supportive ... I feel I owe you: XOXO L http://www.inseventeen.blogspot.com/
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sending good thoughts to you and hoping you feel back to yourself soon.
Hope you feel better soon. I am in a similar slump right now. As selfish as it might sound it's good to know I am not alone. But don't worry we'll pull ourselves out of it - I can promise you that :D
So sorry to hear this, Alice. I hope you have that rush of relief soon. I not long ago got done with the drug roulette for depression and anxiety that went from "she has a touch of melancholy and anxiety now and then" to "I'll be on medication the rest of my life" with the birth of my son a few years ago. Depression is horrible and finding the right meds is horrible and spending way too much time taking your own emotional pulse as you try different meds is horrible, and I hope the horror and frustration of being "almost" better goes away for you soon. Hang in there!