Communication breakdown
February 23, 2011
The Universe is, apparently, telling me to be quiet. If I believed in astrology I'd observe that Articulus, the Star that Controls Verbiage, is in retrograde, which explains the problems I'm having. Then I'd do those flying-yogi jumps out of the room, and you and all your buddies would roll your eyes at each other, like you always do. Boy are you guys judgmental. Like you've never read your horoscope! I've seen your dog-eared copy of Linda Goodman's Love Signs in your bathroom. Sure you were reading it ironically. I believe that. Guess who's rolling her eyes now? WRONG IT'S ME.
As I was saying. So first my computer broke, AGAIN, which should not have come as a surprise because for weeks it's been making alarming noises, the kinds of sounds that computers have not made since the '80s, when our hard drives were 32K big and made out of squirrel meat. My fancy computer of the present was going chickety-chickety and tch-tch-tch and I ignored it. And then over the weekend it lapsed into a coma, and Scott took it and lectured me AGAIN about eating while I worked, as if the few (okay, many) crumbs on the keyboard caused its innards to fail, and now he's at the Apple Store with my computer and I'm here with his. But his settings are all weird and wrong and also none of my stuff is on his computer, which is also weird, plus wrong. And okay I bought myself an iPad (I needed it for travel! Something something else rationalization!) but none of my files are on it and it's weird to transition the iPad from cool movie-watching fun-having-on to serious work technology. So that's communication problem #1.
#2 is that my jaw hurts and I can't talk. Yesterday I found it increasingly difficult to eat dinner. I was enjoying the slow-cooked pot roast I had made but was alarmed at how painful eating it was. With each bite, I found it harder to open my mouth. I was forcing the tines between my teeth and crying out piteously. But it was so delicious! I had to soldier on! By the end of the night I was talking like someone with lockjaw. (Have you guys ever heard of Locust Valley Lockjaw? (You can Wikipedia that yourself, right? Must I provide a URL for you?) Which I believe was written about in the Preppy handbook? Listen, I went to high school in Locust Valley, and I'm here to tell you it's real. I had friends whose parents talked like Thurston Howell. And I'm talking like them, clenched jaw and all. I feel like complaining about Muffy's poor behavior at the Creek Club, and how her husband Chip--you know Chip from Yale, I suspect--WELL, he was mortified, simply mortified and he swore he'd never let her have a second Tanqueray and tonic no matter how she begged.)
My jaw's had a disturbing tendency to go off the rails ever since I got into a car accident in college and suffered a mild concussion (for weeks afterward I couldn't remember which number came after 5) and also my jaw got knocked out of place. So now it complains whenever I eat bagels or salad, and it opens at a weird angle, which I thought you couldn't really see but watching several Momversation episodes has convinced me otherwise. I am betting you have never noticed because you haven't studied my jaw movements. Not yet, anyway.
This post is going nowhere. I don't care, I'm putting it up. This is the best I've got. Our book comes out MONDAY TUESDAY and my jaw's gone funny and I'm afraid I lost valuable documents and I had to turn my shrimp and red pepper curry into SOUP in order to eat it. SOUP!
Okay, the soup turned out pretty delicious.
Reader Comments (26)
Ugh, you have had a rough go! I hope both your jaw and computer are on the mend.
I am horrible about eating near my computer as well. I always tell myself, upon getting a new computer that this one will be different...I will not eat near it. Then two weeks later when I have neglected to follow the pledge and there are crumbs between the 'B' and 'N" keys, I realize I will never change. I didn't know it could be so catastrophic though. Maybe I should really reconsider changing my ways!
Yay on your book. How incredibly exciting!
I'm totally going to watch your jaw movements on your next momversation video. (only out of curiosity - not to derive pleasure from your pain) But seriously, I do hope the jaw begins functioning properly soon. And your computer, too.
So sorry about the lockjaw and the sick computer, but, honestly, all I really heard is that you got an iPad so that turns everything else into "la la la la la la la la" drowned out by my tremendous iPad envy. (Sigh) I tell everyone I want one because of all the great apps for my autistic son - which is true - but also? I JUST WANT ONE. OK, calming down now. Maybe when the new ones come out we can afford an old one someone sells on a trade-in.
And very excited about your book hitting the streets & I'll be at the launch party in NYC, for sure. (And I PROMISE I won't try to swipe your iPad.)
Once, after a very stressful time at work, I had my jaw lock partly open so that I couldn't chew. The dentist recommended using a heating pad before trying anything more drastic, and it worked - it relaxed my muscles enough to allow my jaw to reposition itself. Maybe that would help you too? Sorry to hear about all the various traumas and hope you and your computer are better soon.
ipad dude. i never would have bought one myself, but i won one at my company holiday party in some kind of freak accident. by freak accident i mean charity raffle, but it FELT freaky, because I WON A FUCKING IPAD. if you and Scott want some fun app recommendations, i haz the twitter for you.
also, we preordered your book. because we love you.
I have this!! The specialist they sent me to told me I have one of the worst cases of TMJ he's ever seen.
I told him, "I bet you say that to all the girls."
The old goat liked that.
That soup sounds delish!! I bet you don't have anything better to do than give us the recipe.
You can't break a hard drive with food, and that's what I'd guess was wrong with your Mac. Unless you soak your computer in soup, maybe. But what you must do when you get it back is hook up an external hard drive and allow the Mac to set up Time Machine (it couldn't be easier; it asks and you say "why yes I *would* like to protect my data" and that's it). Time Machine will save you. It's file backing upping for people who can't be bothered, and it was an absolute godsend when my iMac was stolen and my coworker's hard drive died; in both cases we were up and running again within half an hour or so of getting a new computer/hard drive, and all our stuff was exactly where we had left it. I can't say enough good things about Time Machine.
I love you.
Now, go to the doctor. There is no reason to be in pain. Seriously.
Someone has to be the voice of reason.
Plus, you might get some narcotics.
Delurking to say yay! about your book coming out. But also, I've had my jaw lock too. And following MJ's comment, heat treatments do help a lot. My dentist recommended that, so I put rice (or you could use flax seed, whatever) in one of my kid's socks, tied with a rubber band, and microwaved it for a minute and used that on my jaw for about 15 - 20 minutes twice a day for a couple of weeks. It's inconvenient, but it sure does help. Also - it you happen to clench or grind your teeth at night you may want to look into getting a night guard because they help too.
Yikes! Jaw I could live without, but COMPUTER? ACK. I hope both are fixed quickly, for your sake, though.
I got a fortune in my fortune cookie on Sunday that said "I would be rewarded for being a good listener this week". Not sure if that meant I was to be a good listener this week or be rewarded this week for previous good listening skills. Any way. Maybe it was really meant for you. That and you should go to a chiropractor.
Can't wait for the book!
Do NOT turn your curry into soup.
I'll just come over and eat if for you instead. You may be sad you can't eat your shrimp curry, and you can't even yell at me but guess what?! You will be WAY skinnier than me so,
yeah, where do you live? I'll be right over...
Your description of Locust Valley Lockjaw reminds me of the movie "Mame", where Mame's nephew gets engaged to a girl who describes things as "really top drawer, dahhhling; reeeaahhly top drawer!"
I love that movie. You should watch it on your iPad!
Assvice: do not let that jaw trouble linger. TMJ is the most delicate joint in your body and if you wear it out you will hate yourself for life. Two or three sessions with my chriopractor set me straight right quick. Best of luck, and so sorry about your computer!
Want to know what made delurk? The mention of the Preppy Handbook. I own it. Because it cracks me up.
Also - sorry to hear about your jaw. Get some good drugs.
Okay, I had to delurk just to let you know that I totally understand about the crooked-jaw thing. At 14, I broke my jaw in 3 places (both sockets/fractured chin... longish story, but suffice it to say I was doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing :)... the little bone that hooks your jaw to your head was totally shattered. So now, my jaw totally pulls to the right whenever I open my mouth.
I never really think about it or whether any notices... but I have discovered that it makes for a great party trick.
Yesterday when I put my computer down a small part of it (where the sides kind of meet the top) cracked, then fell off entirely. I pondered this development for a moment and then my wonderful friend denial swept in and took care of it for me. I simply pretended nothing was wrong, cover the exposed area with piece of black electrical tape and went about my business as if nothing had happened. Reading this makes me think I should have at least taken the opportunity to dig inside for loose crumbs.
Hi Alice! I have a friend with a really tricky jaw. And therapist Toni McGinley at Alta (link below) was really good with it, and she's super nice. When I used to drop by Alta every Thursday to work out with a trainer, I used to see Toni's most famous client... Lauren Bacall! Ms. Bacall is about 100 years old now, but she still has that amazing deep voice, and always brings her little tiny dog to her therapy sessions. It used to lick my face while I was doing push-ups. But I'm sure that won't happen to you.
Hope you feel better!
Best,
Sarah P.
http://www.linkedin.com/in/tonimcginley
Sorry about the jaw....hope you feel better soon!
I found you via Six Until Me...my oldest daughter has Type 1 Diabetes.
Nice to "meet you"!
PS -- Help save the life of a child...
http://www.candyheartsblog.com/p/life-for-child.html
one word comes to mind... WOW! well at least the soup was good! :)
As a Kiwi living in California - not usually the land of Muffy's - have been totally chuffed to meet a couple of them. It launches you into surreality (no not a word, but hear loads of not-words here) and for really satisfying cliches. As for computers, is so frustrating and all so what the dog heard to me - am such a luddite that people don't believe I can be so useless ...only started to use FB a month ago (yes!). Take care of yourself.
Hello, hello, are you there? Your book came today. And all I have to say is, it totally lives up to the trailer. Congratulations!
What?!? Let's Panic is not available on Kindle? Please fix that? Please?
Well, at least the soup turned out pretty good! Glad to hear that. Sorry about all the communication difficulties. Sometimes, when it rains it pours. Congrats on the book, though!!