Chemicals and me.

When will I learn that I CANNOT DRINK COFFEE? I love it. I love the coffee. But I am a delicate flower who trembles uncontrollably after half a cup. HALF A CUP. Then I start to write in ALL CAPS.

This morning I had two caffeinated beverages. TWO. And OH MY GOD MY HEART. It can’t take it. I was out with my friend and our children were not there and we were so happy! So happy, and so drinky-drinky with the coffee! And now I am trying to find the right keys on this keyboard thing and it’s hard because my hands are a blur!

Speaking of chemicals in the body…

One year ago, the above-mentioned friend and I and both our children were standing on the corner, being neighborly, when two cars collided. We screamed at the sound of the crunching metal and screeching and then we ran out of the way when it looked like one of the cars was coming right for us. Then we stood there, trying to comfort our crying children, as everyone around us screamed and ran for help and we realized that the people in the cars—who were right there, the shattered glass was at our feet—were in bad shape.

But we were okay. We were safe. We backed away; we showed our children that the firemen and the ambulances were coming to help. We retreated to our homes to regroup and try to make sense of what happened.

That night my heart began to race. The next day it was still going at breakneck speed. My heart wouldn’t slow down; my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I jumped at every sound. I kept thinking about those cars. If I had been at the corner a second earlier, the car would have hit us. If my friend hadn’t been there, I might have been crossing the street. If, if, if. I began to think about how my son wasn’t safe here, living on this busy street. Who knows what would happen the next time we crossed it? Indeed—who knows what will happen, period? There was no way I could keep him safe! Ever! In life! Because life is unpredictable!

I began to think about death. As in, all the time. Death! It happens! No stopping it!

So I began to clean, all the time. Clean clean clean. The cleaning wasn’t really working at drowning out the constant worrying and crying, so I strapped on my iPod while I cleaned and wept and I tried to think about something, anything else.

When I couldn’t wear my iPod or clean, I read the dictionary. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? But the dictionary was the only thing I could read that didn’t depress me in some way, that didn’t bring up some intimation of death. Or life—which just leads to death, as we all know.

My husband told me to go to the doctor, and I was furious. You don’t get it, I shouted! We’re all going to die!

I felt like I was surrounded by the pod people; like I was the only one fighting off sleep so that they wouldn’t come and take my brain. I had to keep up my frantic pace of worrying and fretting and weeping and cleaning, or else.

Finally, when my parents had to come and take my child away for a couple of days so he could spend a few carefree moments not worrying why Mommy wouldn’t stop crying, I thought, hmm. Maybe a doctor isn’t such a bad idea.

The doctor took one look at me and said, ooh, hello, post-traumatic stress lady! You’re nuts! (She may not have said “nuts.” Maybe.) She prescribed two things: A breathing/meditation course, and an anti-anxiety drug. First I took the breathing/meditation course. Which, oh lord, was the silliest thing I have ever done, but the first night of that class? My heartrate went down for the first time, from around 150 (I had been obsessively checking it ever since it began racing) to 65.

Although the course worked wonders for me (I would be happy to share details about it with any of you, if you want to email me), she still wanted me on the medication. So I, the obedient patient, took it. I didn’t notice any dramatic changes, but then, I was already cured, or considered myself to be.

So now, a year later, we’ve both agreed that I should go off the medication, which happens to be Effexor.

Here’s the thing. Effexor has the worst withdrawal of any of these drugs. (Except we can’t call it “withdrawal”! It’s “discontinuation syndrome”!) I have taken it before, and I have gone off it before, and I know what can happen.

But because I’m on a minute dose (see above, re: “delicate flower”) my doctor won’t acknowledge that I will have any problems, or that I need to wean myself slowly. Even though going off this drug cold-turkey is a terrible idea, a surefire recipe for physical and emotional misery, she insists that this is what I should do. Even though all evidence points to her being a moron.

So! I am now going to wean myself. And in the interest of public service, I am going to document here my weaning process. (Not in painful detail, you understand. I will try not to bore you overly. )

I’m nervous, but ready. I know what to do. I have done the research, and I am cheaper than my doctor.

Here’s hoping no more cars crash around me in the meantime.

Comments

[Kel]

Please please! Get a massage (or two or three) while you're doing this. And hey, forever after, if you can, like once a month. They are expensive, but can be like changing the oil in your car before the engine goes.

I do massage therapy for a living and the results are wonderful. (I started by getting therapeutic massages for my headaches) Like the meditation course, it can do wonders for putting your body into parasympathetic/quiet mode.

Hugs hugs hugs! and good luck.

[Simon]

Hey I get to comment first, cool!

Well, Jenn at Breed 'em seems to like you and I've been reading a little bit here lately so I think it's HORRIBLY RUDE to do so and not say HI, whether it be in all caps or a more subdued cursive type salutation.

So, "Hi."

Best of luck with the weaning thing. A doctor is only as good as the patient who doesn't listen blindly to what he has to say, eh?

Cheers.

[Whoorl]

In regards to coffee, I feel your pain. Sounds like you might be naturally-caffeinated as well...

[Jenny]

I get easily over-caffinated as well. It's fun, for a short while.

Here's hoping that everything stays calm and zen-like around you as you transition.

[Lulu]

I COMPLETELY agree with you on the weaning off thing. Any time you take something with regularity and stop it abruptly your body will get a little mad at you, right?

Good luck on doing it- I swear we all are a little smarter than doctors sometimes. Can't wait to hear how it goes. :)

[braine]

Okay, right, this is an embarassing thing to put into comments, but following my own major anxiety attack (not brought on by such a traumatic experience, but by...life), I too noticed just how sensitized I am to caffeine. And I did a bunch of things to combat stress, etc., and (here's the embarassing part, because I too am hip and cynical and smarter than this, but) one of the most effective was to buy and read "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff)". There. I said it. I recommend it. Ease your mind and your heart (literally) will follow. Good luck.

[Effie]

I had a similar experience yesterday--about 3 years ago I was in a horrible car accident--the people in the other car died and I will limp forever--and I saw an ambulance attendant pulling someone out of a crushed up car and putting him on a stretcher--I freaked out and had to pull over. I couldn't function for a good 10 minutes. Right after the accident I'd had to go to a therapist who specialized in working with people who'd had automobile accidents--I thought it was a bunch of hooey--but it helped. Good luck with the weaning--much better idea than cold turkey!

[Anita]

Definitely let us know how the weaning process goes. I'm also on Effexor--have been for about a year after the whole panic attack episodes of 2004. I told my doctor that I'm feeling great, would like to go off, etc and she told me that most people stay on for a minimum of a year and often much longer. "But I feel fine!" I said, anxious to be free of this stuff (especially of the feelings I get when I forget 2 doses in a row...). "Maybe it's because of the medication" she said. "how do I tell the difference then?" "you don't" Oh, great. Anyway, good luck with your weaning. I begin mine next week.

[bihari]

Stick to your guns with the gradual separation from the Effexor! I have had lots of patients on it, and while it's a great drug, it's not one you want to drop like the proverbial hot potato. When you've had a beautiful relationship with it for a year, you definitely want to aim for one of those slow, drawn-out breakups and not a "well, goodbye!" walkaway. Best of luck to you, and congratulations on not needing it any more!

By the way, what is it with the cleaning? I find the tenser I get and the more out of control my life is, the tidier I must be. MUST be. After our second child my husband gently (and correctly) suggested I might have some postpartum anxiety and depression issues going on, and when I snapped, "Why?" he pointed out that perhaps emptying and sorting out the diaper bag five times a day was not the most efficient use of my time, what with having a newborn and all. He was right.

All hail drugs. And gradual withdrawals from same!

[reenie]

I remember when you went away for awhile last year. I'm sorry you went through that. Yes, I agree with the weaning. It's not good to yank our own chains when it comes to medicine. Especially if you're sensitive to it.

I witnessed a crash Sunday night. It was two cars in front of us and a minivan ran a red light. The car was spun around and ended up on the grass and the car behind him had to slam on the brakes, and the car behind HIM, etc. We were next to the car behind him and I've never been that close to an accident like that. You, of course, know how you start to think things...like what if I had passed that car back there? What if I had left two seconds earlier? That minivan would have smashed into my son.

It messes you up.

Good luck with the weaning...and try decaf. If you get a vanilla latte, somtimes, if you try really hard, you don't even notice the difference in taste.

[HollyRhea]

I wonder if babies have withdrawals when they wean.

[Hope]

I take anti-anxiety meds too. I started just after my noiw ex-husband said he wanted a divorce and to be his own person (then moved in with his girlfriend who was one of his students).

Anyhoo, I've been on them for a year and a few months ago I thought I didn't need them anymore and quit cold turkey. It didn't end well. So I put myself back on. I thought if I felt 'fine' on the medication then it must not be doing that much but hoo-wee I was wrong!

Good luck!

[Eulallia]

Holy smokes, good luck girlfriend. I hope it goes smoothly for you!

[Meghan Townsend]

That accident sounds terrifying. I was much like that with the crying and the hand wringing death type stuff after I had my daughter Madge. The panic literally made my blood feel cold, and my knees would buckle. It passed thank God but I will always empathize with people who have anxiety or panic. It's very real and it's very awful. Trust your gut my dear. You know what's best as far as getting off the meds. Good luck to you.

[crabby]

i work at a drug company(not the effexor co).now i feel bad that we make chemicals that do this to people. we mean well, but... i guess it's just an imperfect world.

good luck with the weaning!

[Sonia]

Ooooohhhhhh. WHAT a time for me to become a faithful reader of your blog. I am in the throes of the tapering off of Effexor too. I have been writing about it myself, and I wish you the very best luck, the biggest hugs, and the yummiest lattes to ease the pain.I would not have been okay if I hadn't gone on the drug. I don't regret going on it. I do regret not googling the words 'Effexor' and 'withdrawal' prior to starting the drug. I'm a pharmacy technician, I read all of the available information I could find, including the pharmacopeia. Not. A. Word. was written about the possible withdrawals, only warnings about tapering for the sake of your psyche. I'm not opposed to trying another drug in the future, but I will be so much more selective in the choosing.Also, while I'm babbling.....coffee in large quantities is one of the things that is helping me deal with the electric shocks to the brain, the hallucinations, the nausea from the vertigo and various other *ticks*. I'm not trying to scare you. Just know that this might be tough, and there's a few of us floating around out here that are doing and going through the same and are here to commiserate. I am now much more prone to try 'natural' alternatives, because I don't ever want to feel this bad for this long again. And I'm angry. Dig-your-eyes-out-for-looking-at-me-funny angry. Which is not my favorite look on me.

[honestyrain]

i have no option but to comment in alphabetical point form, this post brought up that many things fot me to say.

a) egad! that ccident would have totally sent me into crazy obsessive world

2) i am not suggesting you were crazy or obsessive

3) i switched from alphabetical to numerical point form

d) and back

e) i am going to email you for that relaxationy informationy

f) i took effexor once a verrrrry long time ago and no one told me to not go off of it suddenly. and i did. and i wonder if that's why i started chewing on walls and poking myself in the eye all the live long day?

h) best of luck with the weaning process and yes! no more crashes of any kind oh my god.

[wavybrains]

Delurking here--I've been on Effexor before, and yes a taper is absolutely right--I tried several times cold turkey and it always ended disasterously. You can even open up the 37.5 mg pills and taper even more gradually by mixing half a pill with applesauce or just taking the beads inside. The slower you do it, the better, IMHO. I ended up switching to Wellbutrin and am now in the proccess of tapering off THAT.

Thanks for being so honest and sharing this process with us!

Also, Why, why, can't I be one of those people who cleans and organizes when anexiety hits :) Now, that at least would be a little bonus.

[Ashlie]

I feel for you. I've gone through "dis-continuation" syndrome with paxil a couple times. You feel like your complete heroin addict. Sucky, very sucky.Good luck! Like your blog, I just started mine..... good inspiration. Thanks!

[Cam]

Also on Effexor ... looking forward to hearing about it. My research also indicates going off of it slowly is the key. Half a dose every day, then every other day. Hope to learn more about it through you. I tried to go off recently, cold turkey and it was not good. Best of luck!

[mainja]

wow, you have a doctor who is not willing to listen to you on this? me thinks maybe it's time to find another doctor. i mean, you know your body best. they may be the expert in medication and anatomy and so on, but you're the expert on *your* body.

i guess the thing that i can't get over on the not willing to facilitate you weaning off of it is, well, what harm is there in doing it?

in fact, if i were a doctor (which i oh so obviously am not) i would be worried if you were telling me you wanted to go off cold turkey and would fight that. but if you wanted to do something that wasn't going to harm you any more than what i was suggesting, even if i believed it wouldn't harm you any less, then i'd say go for it.

hmmm. i wonder if that made any sense. i'm very sick right now and my brain is a bit fuzzy.

[Ellen]

Christ, I feel for you. I thought I was going to go crazy when I stopped Effexor - I felt all headachy and like I had constant vertigo. I t was like, "Great, I don't need this medication anymore but now I feel like shit physically!" I wish I had some great piece of advice for you but all I can say is that you will feel better in a month or so. Hang in there! :)

[lizpenn]

is it totally, deeply wrong that i'm looking forward to the series of posts about alice weaning herself off of effexor? i really hope all goes well and smoothly and sans anxiety, but i admit that my first thought on reading this post was just how juicy and interesting it will be to read her thoughts on the process. am i bad? well, it's her fault for being such a good writer ...

[Julie]

I thought about the same stuff a lot when I was still working in the city. I'd hear about an innocent bystander being stabbed outside Penn Station, or a car careening onto a sidewalk, killing several people who were merely waiting for a bus, or a cinder block would fall onto someone's head and send them to the hospital, and I'd think - my god, that could happen to me, I have to walk these streets every day, I love it here but it's so dangerous, what if I have my girls with me, what if they get hurt...and on and on and on...

The worst that ever happened was getting caught in the middle of a pepper spray fight between two jerks on W44th St. I was just trying to cross the street, and the two of them went at each other with their pepper spray dispensers, and I got caught in the crossfire. I count myself lucky.

And I can't decide whether it's scarier to think about weaning myself from my meds or to think about being on meds for the rest of my life. I weaned myself when we were procreating, but I felt so shitty that I had to go back on when I was 20 weeks along. I don't know if I can face trying to wean myself again.

I wish you the best. What a terrible experience, but I'm glad you got the help you needed.

[clickmom]

I witnessed a car crash in 1982. The seat belt wearing driver walked away, the non seat belt wearing passenger lied on the road having the glass picked out of her face while waitiing for the ambulance. I clicked my seat belt on that day and have worn it every car ride ever since.

Good luck with the withdrawal.