Chasing rabbits
May 31, 2011Let's talk about the meds. The MEDS. Goddammit.
Here's a brief overview of what's been going on, medication-wise.
In December, the Prozac I had been taking, successfully, for years, decided to stop working. Just like that! I took to my bed.
A few days later my doctor put me on Remeron, because it's fast-acting. I had never heard of Remeron. Scott said it sounded like Scooby-Doo saying "Enron," which sounded about right.
The Remeron worked great--SO GREAT IN FACT that in April, my doc suggested I go off the Prozac. Since it wasn't working, right?
Then, a few weeks later: ruh roh. The depression returned, but even worse, like it was all mad at me. My doctor put me back on Prozac--but since the Prozac takes a while to kick in, he upped the dose of Remeron. He did this twice, until I was no longer feeling completely and utterly sick and like my life was draining from me. So that was good.
But then I started having these…episodes. In general I'm a little lightheaded and spacey, nothing too dramatic, but enough that I need to hold onto handrails and should not operate heavy machinery. As if I ever should. But the episodes are far more dramatic. When these hit, I get so lightheaded I am about 99% sure my life is ending, imminently. My vision gets fuzzy, my limbs feel like they're not mine, I'm nauseated and shaky, and in general I feel as awful as I've ever felt in my life. Like I'm just bathed in awful.
Unfortunately the first time this hit, I was taking a nice long walk to visit my psychiatrist's office, which is about 4 miles from my home. How cheerfully I set out on my mission! There I was, happily marching across the Gowanus Canal, when my vision started winking in and out and I felt like I was floating and my arms weren't mine. Unfortunately every time I stopped to sit and regain full consciousness, it became harder and harder to stand up and get my limbs (the ones that clearly belonged to someone else) moving again. So the breaks became more frequent as I neared my destination, until I had to sit at pretty much every block. Sometimes just right there on the street. (Well, against a building. I didn't just plop down in the middle of the sidewalk.) An intelligent person would have tried to get a cab at this point, or sought out the nearest subway stop, but, you know.
I told my psychiatrist about this when I saw him, but by then I had had some water and some quality sitting time in his waiting room and actually felt fine. So maybe the extent of the awfulness I felt didn't come through in my retelling of it. He responded with something noncommittal, about keeping an eye on it, etc. Then it happened a few days later, and then again, and then another time, and each time it seemed even more likely that I might face-plant on the sidewalk. (Why always outside, Brain? Can't you do this when I'm near a fainting couch?) I thought maybe it was low blood pressure, but it feels also an awful lot like how I felt when I became anemic during pregnancy. Or maybe it's some thrilling combo of the two.
At any rate I Googled, as one does, and the Googling brought up a lot about Remeron and passing out, and I called my doctor, who recommended I stop the Remeron for a couple of days and then restart at the original dose. Of course there's a withdrawal syndrome for Remeron, of COURSE, but the danger that I might black out is more pressing, to my doctor's way of thinking, than my temporary discomfort. Which means that I might feel awful for the next few days, and I wouldn't even mind this so much except that I'm going to my college reunion this weekend. I apologize in advance, my Wellesley sisters, if I throw up into a flower arrangement. I probably won't. Probably.
The other problem with the Remeron is that I can no longer sleep. This is sad, as I enjoy sleeping. Remeron is supposed to help you sleep--in fact, it's often used to treat insomnia. In my case, I have to take it when I am on my way to slumberland, or I get a case of the Restless Legs that's so bad there's no way in hell I'll sleep that night. It seems, somewhat not surprisingly, that taking a pill, washing it down with some water and then squeezing one's eyes shut while thinking "OH MY GOD I NEED TO FALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW OR ELSE" is not the most relaxing way to drift off. So I worry, and if I'm lucky I fall asleep anyway, but even if I do I tend to wake up every hour or so with some INCREDIBLY URGENT THOUGHT in my head. A few nights ago I lurched out of bed because I Had To Print An Email! And Read It To Scott! For instance. If I don't fall asleep, which usually I do not, I lie in bed twitching and dying and considering calling the Church to see if they'll give my legs a nice long exorcism.
While the Remeron gives me trouble when it comes to sleeping, my doctor has assured me that going off of it will cause (wait for it) sleeping problems. But then the Klonopin might help with that, being a benzo and all. It's getting very Go Ask Alice, around these parts. Maybe I'll wash these Bennies down with some LSD! What? Don't be such a square!
UGH. I can't believe I just wrote all this about these drugs. And now I'm going to publish. And you're going to read it. And I'm going to get an alarmed call from my mom. AGAIN. My poor mom.
Reader Comments (98)
Oh Honey!
I wish I lived in your neighborhood (and had a car) so that I could say, "If you feel yucky just call me and I'll swing by with some ice cream."
Hang in there, from one Wellesley woman to another...Enjoy your reunion...we are off by one reunion year!
if it helps any (and why wouldn't it?) i am leaning towards copying your 'do when i see my stylist next week. ok to save & print your "about" homepage pic?
Oh wow. You are really having a rough time. I feel for you, and I mean I FEEL for you. I won't hijack your comment section and explain why, except to say that it's not just you, you aren't alone and it's posts like this that make me so grateful for the internet. Years ago, this kind of information would have been a post script in some biographers story about your life. It would have been horribly written and isolated both you and your readers. Now, the conversation is live and I hope that the support not only helps you, but many other women (like me) who relate and feel... I dunno, comfort? Something like that.
Hang in there. I've be told on good authority that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train. Probably.
While I don't suffer depression or anxiety myself, my husband does and my 11 year old daughter is bipolar. So I know all too well the whole gamut of SSRI's and mood stabilizers. Really too bad Lamictal didn't work for you as it has been fabulous for my daughter with absolutely no side effects. And you have to love the restless legs that can be brought on by meds - there have been nights I lay there awake literally counting the seconds in between my husband's leg jerks. He tried Paxil for a while (horrible) did Celexa, then he "felt great" so he decided to go off of it (stupid), went back on the Celexa, didn't work as well (surprise). His psychiatrist has him on what she calls "well off" (lol) now...Wellbutrin and Zoloft. It has been fabulous and he has some *ahem* bonus sexual side effects instead of negative ones ;) In any event, I know the roller coaster ride of going up and down and waiting to raise dosages and for them to kick in, and I really hope something works out for you soon!
Oh, man! Just put me in as another person who thinks that sounds awful and hopes you get it fixed soon. I also experienced various types of awfulness with the psychopharm and decided all that made them not worth it for me.
I really think if you could find a psychoendowhatever anywhere it would be in New York. Sometimes the root cause of this stuff isn't what the drugs treat but something more systemic causing the problem.
Maybe try other doctors also? Your doc might be good but they tell you all sorts of different things and sometimes you learn something that can get you back on track.
I guess people have said this already but when I think about what you've described and I know that depression is on top of that then I really want to give you a massive hug and send you a resort in the South Pacific for a month or five or six--because you're describing something that's pretty goddamn hellish and I'm really so sorry you're going through it.
Hang in there. I've been on and off various antidepressant cocktails for 17 years. Just in the past few months I was having the most horrendous migraines ever, everyday. My psychiatrist suggested changing antidepressants and I thought he had a death wish for me…because surely that isn't it. Lo, that is all it took. Here's to hoping that you all find the right combo. Oh and I love ambien. I know that adding one drug on top of another isn't for everyone but go get you some. Get well!
Never has reading about depression and anxiety and meds been so enjoyable.
I could read a book on this.
What scares me is when this happens when I drive: the need to face plant.
We live in the suburbs, and you have to drive everywhere. By freeway.
Not so good for the anxiety that hits you, to cause even more anxiety, b/c you're feeling anxious and pricky scalped while driving at 70 mph, and so then you worry about getting lightheaded while you drive, which makes you definitely get light headed while you drive.
I think you should write a post called, "Ya think it's easy living with depression and a side of anxiety? You try it."
I don't usually read all the comments - too busy/lazy for that, you see - but I did this time and found they added to the immense reassurance provided by your post. Thanks (to you all).
My Prozac is currently working. Fingers, toes, and eyelashes crossed that it continues.
All those things - and more - crossed for you to find a balance and/or a pyschoendofeelbetterologist.
My sympathies. In a similar boat. At one point I took 13 pills a day to keep up with the world.
For restless leg my Grams swore by this: http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2011/05/30/soap-saved-the-day--or-rather-the-night/
Kooky? Yes. Worth trying? You decide.
For depression I have found some relief through Stephen Ilardi's book which I found through a podcast also on the People's Pharmacy site. His advice is more common sense than crunchy.
Hope this unsolicited advice isn't too much of a burden on the annoyance meter.
Thanks for talking about this. Hope you feel better sooner.
Well, I missed my opportunity to be thrown-up upon this weekend, <sigh>. It was pretty fun singing with you instead. Maybe another alum received this most Alice of gifts.... (puke, that is)
:) Amy
It's easy to cure restless legs by just taking calcium tablets (Tums work just fine) - I take them just as I'm getting ready for bed. You should try, Alice, especially as you probably don't want to consider taking any more medications at this point with what you're already juggling. A little extra calcium can't hurt at our age anyway. Good luck and take care.
Did everyone (especially you, Alice!) see the great review of Let's Panic in the Washington Post this weekend? Here's the URL:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/books/review-lets-panic-about-babies/2011/04/04/AGICXJIH_story.html
Hope this happy professional news finds you in a place that is ready to hear good news!
I hope you get your meds figured out soon. A couple years ago, I had a similar "episode(s)". My doctor put me on Zyprexa and it knocked me the f$$k out...to the point where I missed half of my shift the morning after. I worked at a bank at the time with a small group of employees so it was super important to be there very day. My boss was calling me freaking out, and I finally answered the phone at like 10 am. I bolted up and hauled to work (I really really really shouldn't have been driving).
I was literally drooling and at the point of passing out within 15 minutes of me showing up to work, and my boss (luckily didn't just fire me) let me go home for the day. I went home and slept for another 10 hours. It was so embarrassing to go back in the next day to explain to the entire crew that I wasn't a crack head, that I was on new meds and they had an adverse effect on me.
Anyways. Good luck with your med battle there, I know how you feel.
There's a vitamin out there called 5-HTP. My mom and a handful of my aunts suffer from clinical depression. One of their doctors recommended it to them and they all started taking it. It is a naturally-occuring amino acid and chemical precurso to serotonin and melatonin. It helps regulate mood, appetite and sleep patterns. It is also used to treat severe forms of depression. It's also known as Cincofarm, Levothym, Levotonine, Oxyfan, Telesol, Tript-OH and Triptum. Right now you can buy it over the counter at mostly all health food stores.
Granted, your psychologist probably has an in with a drug company and not a vitamin company, but you should ask him/her about it. It might be helpful.
You can look it up on wikipedia or I can keep quoting stuff. But then I'll just sound like a copy cat. I don't even like cats!
In any event, it has helped tremendously for my family. No one feels like they've borrowed anyone's limbs and attached them to their own bodies. No one's vision blinks off and on. Everyone is smiling and happy and feels better.
Just a thought.
Regardless, I hope you feel better.
H
90 comments! Too many for me to read so no case of the vapors if this is a repeat someone else's advice. Fie on you madam! Do you not carry smelling salts in your reticule? One should always assume a lack of a handy fainting couch to be on the safe side. (The Fie was only for effect. I did not really mean to use such strong language.)
Have you considered melatonin? I recently tried it after years of sleep issues and although no RLS I have other issues. The melatonin has helped, BUT, it requires a bit of ritual and rules (Do not look into bright sunlight once you have taken it, only take it at night, stuff like that) and is not a sleeping pill. It is, however, considered to be a neuroprotective hormone and it sounds like your brain might need some of that. If it is allowed with your other meds, consult the great Google and then one of those pesky MDs. It's pretty inexpensive and might be worth a try.
Holy shit man. Reading this made me feel tired, and upset for you, and dizzy, and a little bit twitchy too. You have been going thru it, and I understand the withdrawal symptoms thing too, when once in college I went off praxil AND birth control pills at the same time cold turkey. Oops. Dizzy doesn't describe it. I mostly wanted to say though, before I ramble on at length and then reveal I'm under the influence of a great G&T, ghat I appreciate your candor and all your bravery. It helps all of us, dealing with this or not, and I think it's a service to your readers to describe all os the kinks of life. Thanks.....
As yet another Wellesley woman (old enough to be your mother, probably) I hope you thoroughly enjoyed your reunion weekend. I'm already looking forward to our next one in 2013. I wonder how many Wellesley women are reading your blog -- ever taken a poll?
And, I sincerely am sorry for the exhausting meds situation. I hope it gets sorted soon. On the up side, your writing isn't suffering a bit. Still brilliant.
I get nauseous and dizzy just thinking about it.. ugh. I feel like that when I have low blood sugar or I have consumed way too much caffeine.
That all sounds hideous and I hope that the meds are starting to even out and make you feel better.
I have to be total insensitive and also mention that when I read you went to Wellesley I got all excited because I went to Smith and just went back for my 15th reunion. Was it weird to be back? I found incredible hard, even after 15 years out, to go back to Smith and not be a student again. Perhaps that makes me lame, but there it is. I kept thinking I had a class to go to or friends to meet and it was incredibly bittersweet and really not what I was expecting at all. It also gave me an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that I had my little family to return to. I hope you post about your reunion sometime because I think womens' colleges give you a collegiate experience like no other (What? No other school has tea on Fridays?!) and I'd love to hear about yours. Now I sound like a big snob so I'll sign off here and go polish my pearls.
I'm two parts Celexa, one part Xanax (on account of the night-time teeth grinding. Once so violently that I broke a tooth in my sleep.)
But I live very near the Gowanus, so if you start to get dizzy, just holler, because that would be a nasty fall.
OK, here is some unsolicited advice, but maybe worthwhile, who knows? For the restless legs thing, try taking 1000 mg of calcium that night. If it doesn't work, no big deal, but this worked a miracle for me. And I know about the changing meds thing, I have ended in a psych hospital twice when the major med changes threw me through the air. At least there I didn't have to keep watching myself in case I tried something Stupid. Hope all is fine by now, your blog rocks, you know.
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