Back up your computers, and beware of eggs, bowls, toothpaste, and life
October 10, 2012I am writing this to you from my husband's computer, because mine is dead. My computer is dead because Scott spilled a glass of seltzer all over the keyboard. Don't do this. It won't end well.
I barely noticed last night while Scott was apologizing and cursing and shaking my laptop upside down because I was too busy attending to my son, who had sprayed toothpaste in his eye. Toothpaste in the eye, it turns out, is surprisingly painful. How did it get into his eye? What device did he use to spray it? Never mind that. I didn't ask. It didn't seem important.
This was a different eye from the one he had injured earlier, when he performed a dramatic hair-flip and slammed his eye socket into the bowl he was eating from. I did ask about that. We were eating dinner and all of a sudden his dinner was on his lap and he was screaming. I had made the mistake of turning away for .5 seconds, and when I turned back I assumed a poltergeist had flung his meal at him. Fortunately I asked him what happened before calling an exorcist. Now he has an angry red lump over his eye, and I can't wait for his teacher to ask him what happened so he can explain that somehow he struck himself in the face with a bowl.
This incident occurred only a few hours after I had eaten eggs for lunch, which it turns out I can never do anymore--eat eggs, that is--because the last few times I have tried I have become distinctly unwell. (Another reason I wasn't looking at Henry when the bowl attacked him: I was too busy staring at my sad little bowl of yogurt, the only thing I could face after EggGate.) While I was whining on the phone to Scott about getting sick, I slammed my knee against the table, thought I dislocated my kneecap, warbled incoherently, and hung up on him so I could black out in peace. Sadly I remained conscious, but happily my kneecap was in its rightful place, so everything worked out.
And now I am about to go to the gym. Which, given my recent history, seems like a terrible idea.
Reader Comments (23)
Note to self: do not drink anything before reading Alice's blog. Unless, that is, you would like to join her in having liquids sprayed all over your keyboard.
Oh jeez, this just fed my fears of technological disaster. I have a deep-seated distrust of anything that can break and lose gigabytes of data with a bit of liquid or a slight jiggling loose. :(
I'll never cease to be amazed at how you can take a simple topic and (seemingly) effortlessly make it so entertaining. Your writing is never stale or 'trying too hard'. I love it.
Last night, my one year old fell (forehead first) onto the hardwood trying to watch a ball that Daddy rolled between her legs... Big red lump right in the middle. I feel you on the "Gah! How do explain this one without getting "that look" from her teacher?"
you & yours, too? i think mercury is in shitrograde.
I got toothpaste in my eye the other morning! Which, yes, is quite painful. Also, easier to do than you might think (I'm rather shocked it's never happened to me before, actually). I'll tell you how I managed it, so you don't think I'm walking around squeezing toothpaste into my eyes on purpose -- after squeezing some toothpaste onto my toothbrush, there was some residual paste still poking out of the tube, you know the little tail-end of toothpaste, and somehow this tube/cap is engineered in such a way that closing the cap with one hand causes a little bit of...splash-y fling-y action to happen. I don't know, all I know is a tiny bit of toothpaste was flung up into my face, and directly into my eye. It stung a lot (but, on the plus side, my right eye has never been as minty-fresh).
My sisters and I have this thing we do whenever one of us does something stupid. It's called Sisterly Advice. Sisterly Advice #326 was don't get toothpaste in your eye. I laughed so hard when I got the text for that from my older sister and we all teased her about it for ages. Since then all of us have some how got toothpaste in our eyes. So the moral is don't laugh at someone for getting toothpaste in their eye or you will be punished.
Thank you...this made a VERY bad day much better. I hope yours gets better too.
I just found your blog, and this had me laughing so hard I was afraid I might pee myself! Fantastic!
Hand sanitizer in the eye also stings like the dickens.
Ugh. I hope today was better for all of you. When it rains it pours, eh?
Thanks for all the fantastic imagery though!
"Dramatic hair-flip." Why is that so very hilarious? Oh, how I love your stories!
Where, exactly, does Count Olaf fit into all of this?
Poor Henry. Poor Alice. My computer is dead too because my son PEED all over my keyboard. He is one so he has a good excuse, but I can't even get it fixed because it's a "biohazard." What?! Don't you "geniuses" know that baby pee is the nectar of the gods?
I don't think he *does* have a good excuse, Sara. Kick him out!
This entire post has me dying... I have to tell you that Egg-gate happened to me, too. I think it might have passed, but I am scared to test it out. It took me way too long to isolate the culprit of my discomfort.
Jeannie: me, too! I blamed some lox, the last time my omelet, uh, went north. But I'm afraid I can never test them out, as I am afraid. Oh, eggs! I loved eggs! Cheap protein! Sob.
My computer died two days ago too!!! wtf?? RIP old lap tops. RIP....
The other day my daughter was sitting on the sofa. She was sitting there, being as calm as a 5 year old could be. And then she just, rolled off the couch and smacked her eye on the corner table. She started crying and while I felt sad and empathetic, I was like - how in god's name to you roll off the freaking couch and smack your eye so, so - perfectly. Nobody from DYFS has stopped by. YET.
You posted this the very day my 3 year old got my toothpaste in his eye. I didn't ask either. I mean, I'm sure his fruity flavoured toothpaste would not burn nearly so much as my minty stuff... but this shit just happens. 5 minutes before we're supposed to be leaving for school. Yeah, that was pretty much the best morning *ever*. A week later I fell off a ladder at work and broke my arm in 2 places. Yep, we're just as lucky as you!
Thank you. I needed this laugh today. And it made my laugh so hard my husband made me read it to him. And he laughed hard too. We both needed it.
I had to put down my coffee and move it to the other end of the room for fear of the uncontrollable shaking my body was wracked with as I read this. With two small kids of my own, I can totally relate to the unending series of accidents that happen to children which make you wonder as to how they could possibly have ever done that particular sequence of events leading to the injury. It's amazing that humans have actually survived and not wiped themselves off the earth with the crazy ways we manage to injure ourselves.
You certainly had one hell of a day... But it happens to everyone, sometimes you just wake up with a weird feeling, and your day continues to be weird...
I love your blog! So funny and enjoyable especially when having my own family craziness to relate it with!