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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« We didn't die after all. | Main | I do what I'm told. »

Au revoir à jamais

Oh, my friends who live inside the computer, Scott and I are leaving tomorrow for Paris. It’s our tenth anniversary on Friday, and it was my 40th birthday last week, and since we sold our house we had some cash lying around (technically not lying around; we used it as padding for Charlie’s dog bed). So we thought, why aren’t we going to Paris? What kind of jerks are we?

So Henry’s going to hang out with the grandparents while we cavort and gambol around Paris for six days, and I should be ridiculously excited. Except now that we’re getting ready, I’m pretty we’re going to die. I don’t deserve a nice vacation and therefore the Lord will smite us. Obviously. Here’s what’s going to happen, in no particular order:

The plane will crash and we will all die

The French will hate us and we will all die

Having forgotten the four years of French I took in high school (Je suis désolée, Madame Goldenberg!) I will be unable to obtain for us food or beverages, and death will ensue

We’ll forget to do anything and we'll sit in our hotel room crying (and subsequently die of shame)

The United States will blow up because I wasn’t here to keep things non-blow-uppy

Henry will be sad and lonely with his grandparents and we’ll have to come home early, and somehow we’ll die as a result of that

Something something something death

Needless to say, some of these scenarios are unlikely. Probably we will not die. I went to Paris many years ago and found the French to be largely tolerant of my crude Frenchifying. Henry loves his grandparents way more than us. We have guidebooks and the like. The plane will maybe get us there and back safely. Maybe.

I’ve been practicing some important phrases, too:

Excuse me, stewardess, please make sure there is no turbulence.

Excusez-moi, hôtesse de l'air, s'il vous plaît assurez-vous il n'y a pas de turbulence.

I thought I said no turbulence. Now I require a bucket of red wine and some horse tranquilizers.

Je pensais que je l'ai dit pas de turbulence. Maintenant, j'ai besoin d'un seau de vin rouge et quelques chevaux de tranquillisants.

Pardon me—does the United States still exist?

Excusez-moi, les États-Unis continuent d'exister?

Do not laugh at me. I have an anxiety disorder.

Ne vous moquez pas de moi. J'ai un trouble anxieux.

That man who is laughing? He is my husband. He is a monster.

Cet homme qui rit? C'est mon mari. Il est un monstre.

I go to the library. I want hamburger and fries.

Je vais à la bibliothèque. Je veux hamburger et des frites.

(I already knew that last one.)

We’ll return in a week. Please keep our planes aloft and the Earth safe with the power of your positive thinking or praying or voodoo or whatever it is you do, I really don’t care.

(And I just realized I forgot to tell you about the surprise party my husband threw for me. It was incredible. But I’m leaving now so I’m going to have to tell you about it upon our return, IF WE EVER RETURN, of course you will Alice shut up.)

Reader Comments (85)

You are too funny - I thought I was the only one who lined the dog's bed with cash!

Don't worry, the French hate everybody. It's a national law or something.

Have a great anniversary, get spoiled rotten, and come back alive so we can laugh at your adventures in France.
June 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPhilippa
Holy crap am I jealous. I love Paris (and remember exactly ZERO of my school french) and I still managed to not die...
June 12, 2009 | Unregistered
Enjoy Paris!! =)

And next time you are under very strict orders to TAKE ME WITH YOU. I speak French, I can order your drinks, I'll earn my keep, I promise!

Wistful sigh...

Anyway, happy (belated) birthday and happy (belated) anniversary. Enjoy the vacation =)
Poor Charlie, first you stole his bed and now you're going to go and die on him. I would call the ASPCA on you, but the US is blowing up and my phone lines were severed as a result... I hope your happy now!

June 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenny from the blog
I adore your writing, new reader and can't get enough.

Hope the trip was a success! Can't wait to read about your adventures.
June 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAC Siapno
What beautiful photos! Thank you so much for sharing them.
June 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie
I think it would be fun to order a croissant but instead order a "crescent" roll like in the pillsbury commercial. Very unsophisticated. I know this. Best wishes for a great trip. Au Revoir!
You are too funny, I love to plan trips. Not always ones I will ever go on or even with my real family member. Sometimes I pick different kids, or a husband that likes to play cards on the plane instead of playing with his iphone. In these dream scenarios I go to places I have a real shot of getting to, but do things or stay in places I don't have a prayer of doing or staying. I just posted Planning the Perfect Trip as a Rainy Day Activity on my blog, describing just this. Oh, and my high school French teacher was Mademoiselle Stein!
June 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeth Gray
Do you do any French tutoring, by chance. I could really use some help over here.
June 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBetsy
I was there on the exact same days, for my 15th anniversary. Wasn't the weather insanely nice? Glad you enjoyed it.
July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEileen

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