Au revoir à jamais

Oh, my friends who live inside the computer, Scott and I are leaving tomorrow for Paris. It’s our tenth anniversary on Friday, and it was my 40th birthday last week, and since we sold our house we had some cash lying around (technically not lying around; we used it as padding for Charlie’s dog bed). So we thought, why aren’t we going to Paris? What kind of jerks are we?

So Henry’s going to hang out with the grandparents while we cavort and gambol around Paris for six days, and I should be ridiculously excited. Except now that we’re getting ready, I’m pretty we’re going to die. I don’t deserve a nice vacation and therefore the Lord will smite us. Obviously. Here’s what’s going to happen, in no particular order:

The plane will crash and we will all die

The French will hate us and we will all die

Having forgotten the four years of French I took in high school (Je suis désolée, Madame Goldenberg!) I will be unable to obtain for us food or beverages, and death will ensue

We’ll forget to do anything and we'll sit in our hotel room crying (and subsequently die of shame)

The United States will blow up because I wasn’t here to keep things non-blow-uppy

Henry will be sad and lonely with his grandparents and we’ll have to come home early, and somehow we’ll die as a result of that

Something something something death

Needless to say, some of these scenarios are unlikely. Probably we will not die. I went to Paris many years ago and found the French to be largely tolerant of my crude Frenchifying. Henry loves his grandparents way more than us. We have guidebooks and the like. The plane will maybe get us there and back safely. Maybe.

I’ve been practicing some important phrases, too:

Excuse me, stewardess, please make sure there is no turbulence.

Excusez-moi, hôtesse de l'air, s'il vous plaît assurez-vous il n'y a pas de turbulence.

I thought I said no turbulence. Now I require a bucket of red wine and some horse tranquilizers.

Je pensais que je l'ai dit pas de turbulence. Maintenant, j'ai besoin d'un seau de vin rouge et quelques chevaux de tranquillisants.

Pardon me—does the United States still exist?

Excusez-moi, les États-Unis continuent d'exister?

Do not laugh at me. I have an anxiety disorder.

Ne vous moquez pas de moi. J'ai un trouble anxieux.

That man who is laughing? He is my husband. He is a monster.

Cet homme qui rit? C'est mon mari. Il est un monstre.

I go to the library. I want hamburger and fries.

Je vais à la bibliothèque. Je veux hamburger et des frites.

(I already knew that last one.)

We’ll return in a week. Please keep our planes aloft and the Earth safe with the power of your positive thinking or praying or voodoo or whatever it is you do, I really don’t care.

(And I just realized I forgot to tell you about the surprise party my husband threw for me. It was incredible. But I’m leaving now so I’m going to have to tell you about it upon our return, IF WE EVER RETURN, of course you will Alice shut up.)

Comments

[Marta]

Happy Birthday!How cool, bon voyage!

[sophiefair]

you know that you asked for tranquilised horses, rather than horse tranquilisers, right?

they might have some trouble getting those on the plane. unless maybe they were ponies...

[Alice]

Oh, crap. Now I have THAT to worry about? Turbulence, and horses?

[Becky]

Ha! I always feel the SAME WAY when we're about to set off on a trip.

Have a great time and bonne chance!

[Summer Saldana]

Anxiety disorder? Really? I couldn't tell one bit. ;-)

[Elizabeth_K]

You'll return and be amazed at your happiness and good fortune ... once you land and Henry is back with you. But it will be a fantastic trip!

[kma]

God, you are too funny. And I love that your French teacher's name was Madame Goldenberg. Have a great time!

[Not On Fire]

Vous êtes très amusants. J'espère que vous avez un très bon voyage et que vous n'avez aucun besoin des tranquillisants.

[kate]

I hate to tell you this, but Henry is going to have so much fun with his grandparents that you'll be lucky if he'll even take your calls.

Happy anniversary, happy birthday! Hope you have SO much fun!

[Marinka]

Have a great time! Just don't have any champagne. I'll tell you why later. Or croissants. I'll reveal the reasons when you get back. Stay away from cafe au lait, as well. For safety.

[Sarah]

Wishing you a wonderful and completely alive time!

[Helen]

Went to Paris when my small boy was 3- first time we left him with grandparents. What did he say when we came back, days later, hugging and kissing him? He said, and I quote: "Were you gone?"

May your Henry say the same.

[momtrolfreak]

Madame Alice,Vous êtes drôle comme la merde. Seriously. I totally identify with your visions of impending death, I do this before every trip. Paris is worth the worry! Make sure you visit the Cathedral de Sacre Coeur--but hold onto your purse while you're there! And jazz at the underground club in old caves (8th arrodisement) called "Caveaus d'huchette" is amaaaaazing. Oh and an espresso at the Le Deux Magots (hangout of luminaries such as Henry Miller, Picasso, etc). Have a brilliant time!

[BOSSY]

Bonne chance!

[RuthWells]

Would this be a good time to tell you that the last time I went to Paris the U.S. banking industry collapsed? No?...

[Lynn @ Human, Being]

you totally suck. Paris? Really? To celebrate your 40th? And you had EXTRA CASH?

SO.NOT.FAIR.

I think I'll go sulk by eating a croissant now.

Seriously, have fun. I am very jealous. As if you can't tell.

Lynn

[Accidental Olympian]

That one plane, the one that sorta vanished into nothingness everyone is freaking out about... what they didn't tell people was it actually went to the North Pole. To see Santa. Because Santa felt he needed more French flair in his life.

Hold onto that idea if things get shaky.

Either that or take a zanex. Either will do to calm the nerves.

[suburbancorrespondent]

Bad timing, eh?

[Em]

I live in MA. When I go to NH overnight, I leave my life insurance policy on the kitchen table and put apology notes to my mother next to anything, you know, in my nightstand. So I get the crazy. I thought I invented the crazy. Then again, I always assumed Massachusetts would still be here when I got back. Have fun in Paris!

[Blythe]

Oh how thrilling! Have a fantastic time, you will take the French by storm. I worry like that about vacations too and I maintain that it helps me have a great time - low expectations and all that. Can't wait to hear all about it.

(And, seriously, don't order that hamburger, it will be almost raw and will come with a barely-fried egg on top.)

[Stephanie]

Yay! Have fun! I love France and you are going to have a blast. My biggest tip is always to just start out in French and apologize profusely that it is so horrible. Everyone in Paris knows English.

[Jasmine]

ahhhhh! The French.Have Fun!!!

[Cautionary Girl]

My husband and I were in Paris for a week last September, and it was just lovely. I bet the weather is wonderful this time of year. Plus, what's that song? About Paris? And springtime? :)

Try to go to Les Puces if you get a chance. Definitely a memorable experience. And do a Bateaux Parisiens, bien sur. And there's this excellent bakery on the the rive gauche near the Champ de Mars called Deux Baguettes. Get the Pain au Chocolat. TRUST ME.

Will miss you. Bon voyage!

[norm]

I suppose I shouldn't tell you then that my wife and I went to New York for our anniversary, leaving the kids with my folks, and the town caught fire. Oh merde. I told you anyway. Oops!

[amigurumigirl]

Ooh how exciting! Happy late birthday and have a great trip!