Anniversary weekend!

Scott and I spent the weekend living it up, fancy-style, as befits our 11-years-married status. (We were dating for four years before that. 15 years! I was dating my now-husband when some of you all were wearing short pants!) As I mentioned previously, I got us a room at the Ritz-Carlton for his 40th birthday, but scheduled it for our anniversary. See what I did, there? It’s a present for him that is also for me. Thus sparing him the need to buy me an anniversary gift. I am a giver!

When we checked in, the, uh, check-in guy informed us that, due to its being our anniversary and all (you bet your sweet patoot I told them when I reserved the room), we were being upgraded to a suite. My first thought was that I had already reserved a suite, but nice attempt to impress us, Ritz-Carlton. But then, in order that we may understand the true import of this upgrade, he confided that the suite we had been upgraded to normally costs about two grand a night.

Well.

I had reserved one of the lowest-tier suites, and the only reason I even bothered with the whole “suite” idea is because in these parts, hotels, even the glamorous ones, often have alarmingly teeny rooms. I figured if I got a suite, we could at least be sure that when we took a shower, the bed wouldn’t get wet. I didn’t really think we needed a galley, full living room, office, and dining/conference area. But we got it, and my god, we were going to use it.

Here’s Scott conducting a meeting.

Good point. Exactly.

Really? Are you clowns serious?

Hang on-- he has to take this.

Damn it!

NO! DAMN it!

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF—

HA! Good one, Johnson! (Johnson can always calm him down.)

At the end of a long day, nothing like a little telescope action to unwind.

Aw, Christ. What’s the point. What’s the goddamned point.

We did that for quite a while.

Then someone actually called on the actual phone; we missed it, because by then we were busy taking turns on the Toto Washlet. (Now, you may ask: does one need a warmed toilet seat that oscillates and/or pulsates and can direct jets of water and puffs of drying air to your various toilet-related areas? Turns out, yes.)

While we tried to figure out the voice mail, Scott excitedly called out “Maybe it’s something free!” and I observed that we were letting this enormous room go to our heads, with the crazy thought that more free things would simply be brought up to us. And then I listened to the message, which was that more free things were being brought up to us.

It turned out to be a complicated structure made entirely of chocolate-covered strawberries, and before the door was even closed we had crammed most of them into our mouths. I decided we should call room service and say “We eated the chocolates and they hurt our insides and now we need more chocolates.” And then answer the door with our mouths smeared with chocolate. Because the great thing is, you know they’d all just smile and agree to our insane requests! Yes yes and more yes! Fancy places put up with lunatics, and that’s what makes them fun!

I also wanted to call the concierge and ask to have our view changed (not our room—just our view) but Scott felt that both my ideas were strange and unnecessary. While I maintained that concierges enjoy a challenge. It’s this kind of conflict that keeps the marriage lively.

Then we went back to using the Washlet for a few hours. And not that I’m complaining, fancy hotel, but we couldn’t get two of those? You know what it’s like waiting for some refreshing bottom-cleansing? Wondering if you should oscillate or pulsate or both? What, was I supposed to use the other non-warmed seat, like some kind of primitive?

It was pretty fun.

Comments

[Amy]

Funny!!!Happy Anniversary....and birthdays

[gorillabuns]

glad to know i'm not the only one to lose my pants in a hotel during the day!

happy anniversary!

[Mauigirl]

Happy anniversary! this was hilarious, and it also sounds like a great weekend. Loved the Scott pictures.

Oh, and by the way? I've always wanted a heated toilet seat!

[Erika]

I'm so glad we aren't the only ones that like to play in hotel rooms. Or any other place that we rarely get to go. :)

[Erika]

Those are great fun! Thanks for sharing. It makes me want to book a room at the Ritz and maybe lie that it's my anniversary. I'm sure I did something important in the past on this coming weekend's dates.

[Jessica Moran]

It's wonderful that you all still have so much fun together. Congrats on 11 years!

[Mariko]

Every toilet in my parent's house is a Toto Washlet. So I'm a bit jaded in the toilet department. But you would have really enjoyed a bathroom I got to use on a recent trip to Japan. As soon as you went in and closed the door, the toilet lid magically opened. I looked around to make sure no one was manning some secret controls. then as soon as I sat down, glorious classical music began to play, celebrating the wonder of that moment. It really changes the experience of taking a pee.

[Danielle]

BAAAAHAHA! I love that your husband agreed to a picture of him with drawers dropped! (I'm assuming that he did actually agree to it!) My husband would never do that!

Happy anniversary!

[J Sprinkle]

Alice Bradley, you are the funniest shit and I don't use that word.

[Kristine]

OK, I've loved you for years, but now I love your husband too!

pants on the ground, fucking hysterical!



BTW my brother has a toilet like that, I tried it once, but it felt strangely awkward using a toilet that I knew had blown air on my brothers nekkid parts.

[Onthenightyouwereborn.wordpres]

So I'm just catching up on older posts, being a relatively new reader of your blog - and I read this at midnight last night, and I could - not - stop - laughing. As in, I was DYING laughing. No really. I was CRYING and slapping my desk. And then I went back up to the top of the post and scrolled through again a couple more times, and continued laughing at the photos. Then this morning I decided to see if I still thought it was as funny as last night, being that it's a more reasonable hour now, and guess what? STILL LAUGHING!! I even bookmarked the post in my reader so that I can go back to it another day when I really need a good laugh. OMG. Absolutely freaking hysterical. Thanks for making my day.

[Büyü]

I don't usually laugh out loud at work. When I read this I did. Thank you.

[Nancy]

Damn you, woman!!! I am sitting here at work, not-laughing-so-hard-that-I-am-convulsing. My office-mate is probably wondering if I am choking on a grape as I pensively read your blog -er- data analysis report. I am new to your site, by the way, and I am smitten!