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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

Lets-Panic.com → 

« Death! Sort of. | Main | And she didst have the sickness, and the sickness didst prevent her from tending to her blog. »
Tuesday
May182004

An Alice comes in many guises.

I am beset with work (the paying kind, not the baby kind), which is good, of course, except that I have neglected my poor little infant blog, and if I can’t take care of a 4-month-old blog, how can I ever expect to take care of a child?

Speaking of which!

I dislike it when people say, “I’m not sure if I’m going to have a baby, because, you know, I can’t even take care of a plant.” Because 1) one does not generally have the depth of feeling for a plant that one is biologically compelled to have for one’s offspring, and 2) a baby is not a plant, only more so. They’re actually sort of different from plants. Get out your biology textbook, put it side by side with your horticulture textbook, and study for a while. I’ll be here waiting.

And now I supply an anecdote!

(What do you think of these segues? I’m working on creating the most awkward segues imaginable.)

(You know what’s a great word? Segue.)

Saturday morning. The doorbell rings. It’s a large and merry band of religious proselytizers! They implore my kind, yet Jewish, husband to accept Jesus, but he politely demurs. Then they stand outside our window and jabber at each other about Jesus, and how great it is to love Jesus, and oh, Jesus Jesus Jesus, if he were there right then they’d want to give him a GREAT BIG HUG because they love him THAT MUCH. Now, seeing as how they’re leaning against our window and talking so loudly they might as well come on in, pour themselves some coffee, and wrench our unholy bagels right out of our blasphemous hands, I have the nerve to ask them if they might leave. I heretically lean toward the window and godlessly ask, “Do you think you could walk away now?”

“We’re doing the Lord’s work!” one of the proselytizers exclaims. “We’re here in Christ!”

“That’s swell. But it’s time to be somewhere else in Christ,” I say (more or less; it was probably something less clever than that. But this is my blog! Here I can be clever! Hello!).

At that, there is huffing and muttering among the group, but they eventually shuffle away—about five inches. That’s five inches more than Christ would have wanted!

A few minutes later, I’m leaving my apartment, off for a few hours of (undevout) freedom from the (heathen) child, when I pass the group of proselytizers (notice how I’m subtly not mentioning their religion, so as not to alienate any readers who might share that particular faith! Do you love me? You do!), who are now standing in the middle of the sidewalk, DOING THE LORD’S WORK by blocking everyone’s path, when the woman I had verbally tussled with grabs one of the child-proselytizers by the shoulders, turns him toward me, and said, “A satan comes in many guises.”

Does anyone know what "a satan" is? I am, of course, intimately familiar with Satan, but "a" Satan? What, I'm not good enough to be the real thing? Jesus.

Reader Comments (60)

I found the link to your blog from DotMoms and this is the first post of yours I've read. As for the plant analogy, I for one am glad it's untrue as every plant I've ever had has died at the mere sight of me.

I laughed so hard at the image of the entire scenario with the "merry band of religious proselytizers". And if you're a satan I will surely be back to read more posts as you must have a lot of juicy material ;)
May 24, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterJulie
Ugh. Blog, already.I know, you can cower behind that lame excuse of it being YOUR site and YOUR writing and none of MY business.Except you're killing me here.Blog.
May 25, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterKira
See how I obey you!
May 25, 2004 | Unregistered Commenteralice
I love you! I do!
May 26, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterKira
Did you know Prince is a Witness?Imagine that conversation.



June 3, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterturbulent priest
*delurking*

All I seem to be able to add to the comments here is that satan actually means adversary, and is a name for any enemy...so calling you a satan actually makes sense, although it doesn't at all. You'd think that if they really wanted to scare the kid straight they'd at least threaten him with the REAL THING.

I apologize on behalf of those people who "share" "my" "religion". There are some real wackos out there. And most of them go to my church. :P
July 3, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterRin
My friends grandma calls them damn 'hovies.

Thats my favorite term.



July 5, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
A how to guide - just for this situation.

http://www.infidels.org/misc/humor/missionaries.html

from Steel White Table

http://cairns.servehttp.com/jody/archives/2004/07/06/a-close-encounter-of-the-religious-kind/

July 6, 2004 | Unregistered Commenterheather
Hello,

I'm just letting the world know about the new book "Captives of a Concept." It is designed to help the reader understand the illusionary concept that holds millions of Jehovah’s Witnesses captive by molding their thinking and actions without them realizing it.

Those who understand this concept and how it is maintained, will never make the same mistake that has already caused millions of people to become captives of it.

Here are a couple of comments from readers…

Gary Busselman"Captives of a Concept" is a valuable piece of work and is needed. It brings a fresh perspective to understanding the Witness movement. The format is easy to read and deals with the question of why Jehovah’s Witnesses remain loyal to the Watchtower Society in the face of volumes of disconfirmations. It shows how the huge mistakes made by the Society over the years are not important to a Witness who embraces the concept. I wish I had something like this when I walked away in 1974 when there was a shortage of rational information. I think Don has done a great job in putting it together in a straight line.[www.freeminds.org/buss/gary.html]

Internet CommentSome people do not really like reading. They are intimidated by books of more than a couple hundred pages. They just want to know how they can prove to themselves or others, in a very simple uncomplicated way, that Jehovah’s Witnesses is not the true religion. ."Captives of a Concept" is a focused approach. It concentrates on the Watchtower teaching of the "Faithful and Discreet Slave" [Matthew 24:45-47]," the doctrine upon which all others rest, and very logically and simply pulverizes it. Down comes the whole structure. -.[Michael]"

The book is available in PDF Download and Print versions. There is additional information at www.CaptivesOfaConcept.com

Don CameronAuthor
June 24, 2005 | Unregistered CommenterDon Cameron
i am one of jehovah's witnesses and we would never yell out that we are 'doing the Lord's work.' the focus of the bible, and therefore our teaching, is God's kingdom, not 'loving Jesus;' sounds like some protestant group to me.
December 2, 2005 | Unregistered Commenterbetti

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