An Alice comes in many guises.

I am beset with work (the paying kind, not the baby kind), which is good, of course, except that I have neglected my poor little infant blog, and if I can’t take care of a 4-month-old blog, how can I ever expect to take care of a child?

Speaking of which!

I dislike it when people say, “I’m not sure if I’m going to have a baby, because, you know, I can’t even take care of a plant.” Because 1) one does not generally have the depth of feeling for a plant that one is biologically compelled to have for one’s offspring, and 2) a baby is not a plant, only more so. They’re actually sort of different from plants. Get out your biology textbook, put it side by side with your horticulture textbook, and study for a while. I’ll be here waiting.

And now I supply an anecdote!

(What do you think of these segues? I’m working on creating the most awkward segues imaginable.)

(You know what’s a great word? Segue.)

Saturday morning. The doorbell rings. It’s a large and merry band of religious proselytizers! They implore my kind, yet Jewish, husband to accept Jesus, but he politely demurs. Then they stand outside our window and jabber at each other about Jesus, and how great it is to love Jesus, and oh, Jesus Jesus Jesus, if he were there right then they’d want to give him a GREAT BIG HUG because they love him THAT MUCH. Now, seeing as how they’re leaning against our window and talking so loudly they might as well come on in, pour themselves some coffee, and wrench our unholy bagels right out of our blasphemous hands, I have the nerve to ask them if they might leave. I heretically lean toward the window and godlessly ask, “Do you think you could walk away now?”

“We’re doing the Lord’s work!” one of the proselytizers exclaims. “We’re here in Christ!”

“That’s swell. But it’s time to be somewhere else in Christ,” I say (more or less; it was probably something less clever than that. But this is my blog! Here I can be clever! Hello!).

At that, there is huffing and muttering among the group, but they eventually shuffle away—about five inches. That’s five inches more than Christ would have wanted!

A few minutes later, I’m leaving my apartment, off for a few hours of (undevout) freedom from the (heathen) child, when I pass the group of proselytizers (notice how I’m subtly not mentioning their religion, so as not to alienate any readers who might share that particular faith! Do you love me? You do!), who are now standing in the middle of the sidewalk, DOING THE LORD’S WORK by blocking everyone’s path, when the woman I had verbally tussled with grabs one of the child-proselytizers by the shoulders, turns him toward me, and said, “A satan comes in many guises.”

Does anyone know what "a satan" is? I am, of course, intimately familiar with Satan, but "a" Satan? What, I'm not good enough to be the real thing? Jesus.

Comments

[Joolie]

Haven't you heard the story about the Satan who tempted one of those Jesuses in the desert? I think it's in some Bible.

[Anyabeth]

What? You didn't want to join Jews for Jesus? We actually had some one suggest that to us after we revealed that we were Jewish. We stared at them for a while and said something stupid like, "no thank you," and one of them said, "it's never too late."

Whatever that means dude. Go next door, I am pretty sure he wants to be saved.

[Jeff]

You should have made little devil horns when you walked by - totally would have given that kid nightmares for a week. That's the sort of thing I always think of 30 seconds too late.

[lisaash]

Oh dear god.

[Rana]

*delurking*

The other day I saw a large group of people similar to those you describe, loudly witnessing their faith on a street corner with signs and arm waving, blocking the flow of traffic, thrusting pamphlets at people repeatedly, etc.. Coming toward them, singing loudly and cheerfully, was a crowd of Hare Krishnas. It was very funny watching the faces of the sign wavers as the HKs blithely walked through their display, ignoring them entirely, smiling and singing the whole time.

I'd never be an HK, but I have to say I like their style.

[mingaling1]

I get the lucky excuse of being Unitarian. I try to explain that to them, it confuses them, and they eventually go away.

[Brooklyn Mama]

Oy.

[Jennifer]

Vei?



LOL, couldnt resist...

[jilbur]

I am soooo impressed that you're a Satan. I don't think I rate even a Gremlin. Not even an AMC one.

I can't do a thing with plants. That is, except notice, weeks after, that they have become brown and crispy. Well, you can't expect me to take care of something that has no means of letting me know when it's hungry.

[Jen P]

Wheee!! You get to be a satan, which not as cool as BEING satan, is an honour in itself!! The most I've gotten is heretic!! And Jews for Jesus!? Wow. I've been missing out...Must let the husband know!!

[alice]

Okay, I just want to say--the proselytizers were not Jews for Jesus. Keep guessing, people!

[the mighty jimbo]

if you are satan then rock bands are sure to hang out with you.

and rock bands are cool.

i'm totally gonna party with you.

[mnuez]

/Saved?/ what'r you Talking about sister? I asked whether you and your husband wanted to be SHaved.

"In the name of the Lord OUR GOD, be SHAVED!!" And then for the sake of modesty we take you each to seperate rooms and do the Lord's work. Bzzzz...!

[Miel]

I felt bad reading this because that plant thing kept me from having a baby for years! Seriously. Why didn't I realize that the depth of feeling would make me remember to feed my baby?

I don't know about calling someone a Satan as an insult. It seems to elevate the person who annoys you quite a bit. Like if they cut you off in traffic do you call them 'a Satan'? I'll bet THE Satan doesn't like it much. It makes him so much less scary.

(JOOLIE--you're funny.)

[lizardek]

OH MY GOD you are too damn funny for, well, not for words!! :D

[Beth]

I love proselytizers! I give them a long snotty lecture on roman mystery cults (it is the only chance I get to put my college education to use) and then send them next door to talk to my Muslim neighbor. My neighbor passes them on to the Hindu couple 2 doors down and after that they usually leave.

[corie]

They came to my apartment building, as well-- TWICE. When asked to go away they merrily rang everyone else's doorbells until rejected by all ten units. There's been a surprising amount of proselytizers in Park Slope as of late. Have they selected the area as in need of reforming, or is there a church there? Are they the former Watchtower people? I wanted to ask but didn't want to actually have a conversation with them.

[debl]

Whenever those evangelical people talk to me, I just tell them I'm a Quaker. Confuses the hell out of them (wait, so you're a Christian, but ... wait, they still have Quakers here?), and they shut right up.

[dooce]

well, i know they weren't Mormon because Mormons don't talk about "Jesus." They talk about Their Lord And Savior Jesus Christ, forever and always, because just "Jesus" would be giving Their Lord And Savior Jesus Christ a nickname, and you just don't give God a nickname. That's like drinking coffee or kissing with your tongue. Baptists and Methodists talk about Jesus a lot, cause they are cool with Jesus, their homie. But do Batists or Methodists knock on doors in New York? Were they Lutheran, because I once knew a Lutheran AND THAT IS COME CRAZY SHIT. No offense to Lutherans, becaue I know Mormons are crazy, but we got Donny Osmond, and who y'all got? I AM SO CURIOUS NOW. I love Jesus zealots! They zeal for Jesus and that is just so cute.

[Julia S]

OK, fine. I was pretending to be a Jehovah's Witness, but I really just wanted to hang out with Finslippy and eat her bagels.

I guess I went a little overboard on Jesus (I was nervous, sorry) but at the end there I was merely pointing out that you were all GUSSIED UP in a SATIN. No doubt on your way to a Saturday morning sex party.

Mystery solved.

[Summer]

I have a feeling I'm going to look really stupid as soon as I hit post, but I have to ask, is there another Finslippy baby on the way? I keep reading things that sound like little hinty-hints, but I accept the possibilites that I could either be hallucinating, or that I could have missed the big flashing announcement when I read through the last two weeks of Finslippyness while foggy with jet-lag. But on the off-chance that you have been dropping hinty-hints and waiting for some reader to pipe up with the correct answer (correct question?), is there a prize involved? 'Cause I sure could go for one of those blasphemous bagels. They don't sell them in my neighborhood, dominated as it is by the mighty shadow of The Largest Church in The Western Hemisphere.

[sarah]

Lutherans don't proselytize door-to-door. That would be much too forward. They might go door-to-door offering jello salad, or cake. They are more likely to stay home eating cake, drinking coffe and listening to "Prairie Home Companion".

[alice]

Ack! There's no finslippy baby on its way, I promise you! It's a good thing my mom can't figure out how to read the comments, because she would be going out of her mind right now with excitement.

Are there hints? Am I too dense to pick up on my own hints?

[Amy]

Delurker here.

I'm guessing they were Jehovah's Witnesses or "Bible-believing" nondenominational Christians. No way would Lutherans be going door-to-door... at least, not here in Chicago.

ugh. I wonder if those people ever actually turn someone on to Jesus with those oh-so-subtle techniques.

[perl]

i had some ladies of the jesus persuasion catch me in the driveway a few weeks ago. i got rid of them pretty quickly by threatening to vomit on them. i just told them i was pregnant (i actually was at the time -just not very visibly so, like the fat cow i am now) and they practally shooed me into the house to lie down & put up my feet. this method was so effective that i plan to use it well into the future.