After the sleepover
October 12, 2011We let Henry have a handful of friends sleep over for his birthday, and was that ever a poor decision. This weekend we discovered that for nine-year-old boys, "sleepover" is code for "Hey, let's fling our bodies against each other and then lob ourselves against the walls as if we were human beanbags!" I am amazed that no furniture or spines were broken. How are there not head-sized holes in the walls? And when did my child learn to construct a human catapult?
Because of this apartment living that we chose, there was no escape from the sleepover bedlam. From the screaming and the screaming oh sweet baby Jesus the screaming. Actually it was more of a scream/laugh medley. Scraughter. It is not fun to listen to, even before you're sleep-deprived. Did you know that kids scream like they're being murdered and that this means "Golly, we are just having the funnest time!"? Can you make sense of this? Of course you can't, because you're a reasonable human and not a maniacal child-thing. When given the opportunity to play a nice quiet game of chess or sit silently and think about all they're thankful for, the entire party instead opted to engage repeatedly in something called a "dogpile." I ask you.
We've hosted sleepovers before, but even last year, the guests (and the birthday boy) were younger and more pliable. Our friends thought we were insane when we let five- and six-year-old sleep over, but I'm telling you, that's when you want them. They're easily entertained. They might smell a little funny, sure, but their combined funk does not knock you over when you enter a room. They're so thrilled with the novelty of the event that they'll fall asleep simply from excitement. Whereas once they're nine, they're all gangly and their limbs can and will knock over fragile lamps and also they're brimming with weird nine-year-old emotions. One kid kept tearfully announcing himself "on strike" because he didn't like the choice of activities. Another kid volunteered to help me out, and then did so by bonking the first kid about the head and back with a foam sword and then tossing his shoes down the stairwell. I really. I mean. Have you ever.
At any rate, let the word go forth that I will forever remain reluctant to agree to any kind of sleep- or slumber-themed event, unless the children prove themselves to be mute and/or exceptionally subdued, or our conditions change so dramatically that our squad of governesses can entertain and monitor the guests while we decamp for our country estate. I am sure that my stance will not change a little bit, even when I've completely forgotten how much my head hurt for days afterward, and the day arrives that Henry asks us really nicely. Not even then.
Reader Comments (37)
Maybe if you rented them a hotel room?
I admire your courage. And thank the Big Herring in the sky for my abject poverty as it means that it is physically impossible to have more than one child to stay (and even THAT means dismantling the sofa to put the cushions on the floor to make a bed). I remember my elder daughter's 7th birthday party being a nightmare of screaming, yelling and pulling-each-other-across-the-floor-whilst-roaring-like-lions and swore never to be in THAT situation again, so a slumber party? Hoo boy. No! Said daughter turns 10 (TEN! Egads) at the end of December and my plans (such as they are so far in advance) are hovering around "trip to the cinema" and "trip to the icerink".
At least you can now cross "slumber party" off your list of Things To Do To Make Your Child Happy and move on to the next trauma (can I take this opportunity to panic a little about middle school? We had our first "registration for next year" meeting on Monday and I'm still reeling at the thought of my (by then) 10-year-old entering MIDDLE SCHOOL in less than a year).
We have had more sleepovers than I care to remember but with the right mix of kids it can actually make my life easier. At this point I think girl sleepovers are lower maintentance than boys but maybe it is the age..DD is 8 DS is 10. My friends tell me at least 1 girl ends up in tears at every sleepover they have hosted. Haven't had that yet...maybe I am just that good or just that lucky?
Ages 9 and up, bowling parties are definitely the better bet.
We were fortunately able to remodel our house before they hit that stage. There's a floor and a door between us. Video games and foosball downstairs and the bar is upstairs. When my baby has his friends over, it's now a house full of men: 6ft tall low voiced men. Next year, off to college. Keep having sleepovers, as long as the neighbors don't call the cops. Getting to know the kids that have shaped both my sons has been a great part of this parenting trip.
You brave, brave, foolish woman. I have 9 year-old twins. Boys. Yeah. Can I borrow your descriptive phrase "maniacal child-thing"? Because I don't think anyone had ever hit the nail on the head quite like that.
Also? All the people leaving comments who have great big houses and say things like "I just herd them into the basement rumpus room and throw food down the stairs at them and it's great!"? I know they are your readers and you love them and all, but don't you want to hurt them a little bit, too?
Because they have NO IDEA what it is like being trapped in a tiny New York City apartment (where you can hear everyone in it breathe from any room) with maniacal child-things. No idea.
I'm with SquashedMom. You don't get to comment if you have a finished basement to herd them into.
We have tenants in our teenytiny in-law unit so my daughter will never have a slumber party in our one-floor apartment, ha!
I feel your pain. Last January we had EIGHT 8 year old GIRLS for a 'slumber' party. Let me say it again 8 girls. You want to talk about screaming. OMG I thought I had died and ended up in some sorority girl hell. Did I mention our house is 1300 square feet?
The SCREAMING!!!!
Never again
Yet another argument for non-lethal, but strongly-dosed blow darts.
Ah, the sleepover. How I hate the sleepover. When you have only one or two quiet, well-behaved children of your own, it's hard to imagine just how insane Other People's Children can be.
Everyone thinks a sleepover is a cheap way to do a birthday party, but it comes at the steep price of a good night's sleep, that now-permanent twitch in your eyelid, and possibly your dining room carpet. Much better to shell out $200 for two hours at the bounce house place and some bad pizza, and keep your sanity.
Ohh the memories are flooding back...
I attempted something similar a few years ago. For an entertainment, I set up a Mentos/diet coke fountain thingie outside. One of the maniacal child things went racing into the fountain and got coke all over his hair and himself. Before I could stop myself, the words "What are you, a MORON???" escaped my lips. I have yet to live that down.
By 11 pm, they decided to have a small pillow fight (fine) and one bright spark thought that what this pillow fight needs is a water element! He started scooping water on the others. Mama may possibly have lost it at that stage, thus embarrassing her beloved son. He claims, to this day, that his friend was merely overheated and was attempting to cool down.
There have been no sleepovers since.
I'm so scared now. Thank you. My little one is only 1 1/2 so we haven't had to brave sleepover territory yet, and now I'm not sure we are going to. I still remember my sleepovers as a girl. There was always your sleepover disaster. You know, the girl who ended up crying about not be included or not being able to sleep and had to go home early and the girl who ended up with a black eye from either a cheerleading stunt gone bad or a flailing elbow as the scaredy cat friend ran out of the dark bathroom and away from Bloody Mary. Can we skip all that, please?
You are a very brave mommy! Just reading about it made me feel tired and cranky.
Haha - I love your writing :)
How were you not warned in advance--have you never observed 9-year-old boys in the wild? They are animals. Sure, girls will scream at a high pitch and giggle all night, and one or more will cry, but boys will break things like lamps and bones until the sun comes up. They're more expensive to host.
Aaaaaaaand I may have just talked myself out of having a slumber party for my son's next birthday (his 9th). I'll suggest he bring a friend on a library trip; they can check out up to three books each. Maybe lunch afterwards.
Now I am afraid. Very afraid. I am having a sleep-over with 8 boys for my son's ninth birthday party on the 29th. I am planning a craft and a frost your own cupcake as a couple of activities. I'm thinking that might not be wise. For myself though, I am planning on buying a couple of bottles of wine.
Alice, I love you so much for reminding me not to do terrible things. I surely won't forget this hard-won advice from the trenches, either, when my own son asks me for a sleepover. Nope. Not even when he cocks his little head and gives me a winningly gap-toothed smile and says "Pleeeeeease" and his adorable friend does the exact same thing in unison. Not even.
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Very few sleepovers but one awful experience. My daughter was in third grade and I was working 60 hour weeks, most of it on night shift. We had a party for four or five friends (it may have even been my idea). I fed them dinner, got them half settled and conked out. When I got up the next morning I found the freezer door had been left open all night and a rowdy game of hide and seek was going on. One of the little hooligans was in the dryer! I couldn't wait till their parents got there. The screaming was minimal but I definitely should have taken the previous day off to be able to stay awake, if for no other reason than to save a freezer full of food. The girls all seemed fine individually but there seems to be a giddy pack mentality that takes over. We're all a little wiser now, huh?
OMG. I wish you would have posted this 6 months ago. In May, my son celebrated his 9 year birthday with a sleepover. While the boys wrestled and played indoor football for hours, it was my tactical error that put the party over the edge. I thought it'd be really fun to show the kids the original Karate Kid movie. You know what happened after the movie ended . . . every child tried to flamigo kick the others in the head. After over an hour of near fatal flamigo kicks, we finally got them to get in their sleeping bags. I cannot even contemplate another sleepover for a few years.
Ha ha, I remember those boy sleepovers. Girls are easier, but cattier when it comes to these things. The important thing is that you survived. Have to say I'm a little disappointed that you didn't even send a snarky reply to my email but knowing what you have just been through, I'll forgive you. Stay strong and just say NO when this comes up again next year. 10 year olds are no better.
Hi Alice, just letting you know I sent you an email with a cartoon I made for Henry. If you didn't get it, you can check it out here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2A7_J4HYHs
Let me know what Henry thinks!
I love eavesdropping on their conversations.
I was made to be the mother of boys.
All the physicality of it...it's so demonstrative and in the moment, so unlike the feminine form.
I love it.
Did you ever write down the trashtalk they do to each other?
And then after someone says something particularly clever (though they don't call it that 'oooh, that was particularly clever, Bobby') after they say something ass kickin', they all shout "OWNED!!"
Love that.
P.S. and Also, too: who's your new friend Jaelithe up there?
Pretty dang jealous of the love correspondence she's got goin on with you.
Sheesh...who knew your softspot was Ugg boots. Never would've guessed it: the uncomfortableness of the hot sweaty bare feet in the sunhot furry environment.
Yuk.
You think you know somebody...
I'm pretty sure he won't ask to do it again.