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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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Let's Panic

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

« What happens. | Main | Oh yes, you should be jealous. »

Adjusting to the suburbs, slowly but surely.

I was walking Charlie the other day when I heard a knocking—a tapping, as if someone gently rapping. Across the street I saw a large man knocking, knocking at me through his storm door. I kept looking, and noticed that he was the same color… all over. A large beige naked man was tapping a hearty hello at me through his door. Oh, excellent, I thought, I've found the neighborhood pervert.

The next week it happened again. I crossed the street so I wouldn't get an eyeful of strange genitalia, and as I walked I heard the rap-rap-a-rip-rap, but I kept my eyes straight ahead, my stride purposeful. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him practically leaping into the door. Probably he was a deranged man-child harnessed to the radiator. I felt a little sorry for him, but I wasn't going to give him the thrill of my gaze, no way.

Today, again, walking Charlie: I forgot about Crazy Naked Person and was walking on the same side of the street as his house. Just as I approached it and heard the familiar bang-bang-come-see-my-scrotum-bang, a car pulled up to the house and a man leapt out. I expected him to say, "Sorry for my third cousin Newt! He has this clothing allergy and he really just means to make friends!"

Instead, though, he smiled at me and said, "My dog really wants to say hello!"

His dog.

I looked more closely, and there was an enormous, yellowish, shorthaired, meaty dog throwing itself against the door. I noticed the slobber all over the door. The giant pink tongue. Huh. Heh. Hrm.

I predict that in ten years, I'll see a man with his pants down in the subway and I'll say, "That chihuahua on your lap sure looks feisty!"

P.S.: there's new stuff today over at AlphaMom.

Reader Comments (37)

this is hysterical! i was laughing out loud!
March 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentermaile
Please don't take this personally, but I'm never getting in a car with you again.
March 3, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLOD
March 3, 2007 | Unregistered Commentershy me
I don't think I'll be able to look a, uh, dog, straight in the face again.
March 4, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
March 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterMarcheline
"Probably he was a deranged man-child harnessed to the radiator"

awwww, I hope you gave at least some thought to tossing him a baby ruth?
Wait a minute, are you telling me this man's dog was naked?? Pervert!
March 5, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterstepblog
Oh my lord. That is SO FUNNY!

I had to read it twice to get it...cuz i'm kind of slow that way....but it's hysterical!!!
March 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterAnita
Sweet Cracker Sandwich! I've been flashed so many times since moving to SF, I refuse to look too. But that's the funniest anti-perv story ever.
March 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJemima
Will you ever walk that way again? I mean admit it, there must have been some strange and horrifying allure to the whole naked man chained to radiator possibility. Now that it's just a hairless dog, those walks are gonna seem, well, ordinary. And god knows there's enough ordinary in burbs already.Happy Trails, may you find yourself a perverted cat,cce from
March 6, 2007 | Unregistered Commentercce
OMG... I just thought to check your site after looking up the sex offender registry to check a neighborhood we may be moving into. I almost didn't finish reading it because I was so disgusted after seeing a few of our potential "neighbors" near this too-good-to-be-true home. Glad I did read the rest, though. LOL

Good times.

And by the way - we're not moving into that house. More REAL pervs than man-dog pervs is not okay. :-(
March 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
So I'm a little behind reading your stuff but this was priceless - just what I needed after my week of nothing worthy to say in my own blog.

I will keep this in mind should I ever think I see a naked man in my neighborhood.

I'm laughing so hard I might barf (that is my 2nd favorite of your posts, I think).
March 9, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterstephanie spencer

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