About last night

I realize there is little on Earth more boring than hearing about someone else's dreams, but I just slept for twelve hours, and before that I was writing for twelve hours. What else is there to talk about? The good part is you don't have to listen to me droning on and on ("then I was in my apartment, but it wasn't my apartment, but it was, you know? And you you were there, only you weren't you, exactly..."). You may skim this as needed.

Since Eden and I found out that the Let's Panic about Babies book was a go, I have been enjoying nightmares the likes of which I haven't experienced since I was a kid, when there were scary things in the closet and under my bed, and while I was asleep they would come out and show themselves to me. These days my nightmares are moderately more sophisticated, as I now rarely worry about the monsters lurking in the shadows. Even though they're there. In the form of giant dust bunnies that probably contain H1N1, for all I know.

So last night I had a fairly mild nightmare for me. I didn't, for one, wake up lurching out of bed, clawing at my throat, so that was nice. In the dream, Scott and Henry and I were staying at some kind of summertime resort. It was our last night there, and I was up in the middle of the night because I had to change the multiple litter boxes (?) that festooned our condo-style apartment. As I entered the living room, I found a horde of EMTs, working diligently on a group of cub scouts, all of whom were lying unconscious on our floor.

I tried to find out what was the matter, but no one would answer me, so I got to work embracing various cub scouts and kissing them all over their heads and singing soothing lullabies; figuring, I guess, that if I wasn't going to get an answer I might as well help out, in some small way. At this point one of the EMTs leaned over to inform me that these boys had an incredibly uncomfortable, potentially fatal, extremely contagious virus. And then the boy I was embracing leaned over and vomited in my lap.

Oh!

I dropped the kid and ran to the sink to wash off, and then the real nightmare-y stuff started, because Henry was also sick, and then he disappeared, and everything started to look weird and spooky, blah blah usual scary crap blar.

And there was all this...stuff in my mouth. This is a recurring theme in my dreams, that my mouth is filled with clay, or gum, or oatmeal, or something, and I can't communicate and I'm scooping it out but it keeps returning. So I'm performing my familiar dream-scoop when I realize, wait a minute, this is a DREAM, I don't have weird crap in my mouth for no reason in regular life! Almost never happens!

I have rarely had such moments of lucidity while dreaming, so this was exciting. I realized I could do anything I wanted! This dream was mine for the taking! So I said OUT LOUD, "Why, then I'll be gay!"

Because what else do you do in a dream, if you could do anything you wanted? You get gay, obviously! It's an unprecedented gay opportunity!

Standing next to me was a particularly fetching lady EMT, and I then took her by the hand and, without warning, we both flew up into the sky together. At which point I woke up, laughing. Because really, it figures that when I finally get a lucid dream, it would turn into the ending of Zapped.

(Sadly, I can't find a Youtube clip of the ending of Zapped, so you're going to have to take my word for it. Scott Baio and, uh, a girl? fly up into the sky together. It is silly.)

Comments

[Anna]

so strangeI have this dream about stuff in my mouth as well ) exacly as you described....

[Craig]

That is one straight up outstandng subconcious. Color me impressed.

Hey!

If you have another moment of lucidity during your nocturnal subconcious ramblings, ask someone there what color impressed is anyway!

[Bertha]

First the Indigo Girls dream and now this? Have you also experienced a sudden aversion to penises?

[Kristin]

I love becoming lucid while dreaming, but I always take my clothes off and then fret that maybe this really is my real life and I've ruined everything.

[lateandsoon]

I'm gonna sidestep the penis-aversion comment to give you the greatest ending in cinema since "The Third Man."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiH2NibEmzU#t=10m29s

You're innocent when you dream, baby, so gay it up. We all do it once in a while. We just don't talk about it in public-- aw, damn.

[Andrea]

This is the best dream ending ever. I would do the same thing had I any lucidity in my dreams, decide to be gay that is. Rock the gayness.

[Lynne Marie Wanamaker]

Well, I am gay and I have to say, I'm so sorry you picked gay as the thing to get in your dream. Because, in my experience, it doesn't seem to be so much different than not gay. Not at this stage of life, which seems to be about cleaning up after the kids and having panic attacks. Even when you're asleep.

I often have moments of lucidity in my dreams and attractive ladies (though never an EMT.) The lucid part of me is usually yelling at the dream part of me "It's a DREAM! You can have sex with her! Nothing bad will happen!" And then I wake up feeling guilty and panicky. And there's usually something to clean up.

[BlabberMouse]

You can talk about your dreams any time. Freakin' hilarious.

[uncouthheathen]

As a gay lady, I often have plenty of dreams where I go straight, the worst of which was when I had sex with John Larroquette in my parents bathroom.

[alice]

Lynne, I'm sure if there had been any sex, the panic would have kicked in. Pretty much the most I could handle, I guess, was hand-holding and flying. Aaaand...scene!

[Mrs. Kennedy]

I've been having dreams about being pregnant. WHAT CAN THAT POSSIBLY MEAN?!?

[Stacey]

That's awesome! I thought that I was the only one who had lucid moments in her dreams. Years ago when I hostessed in a restaurant I used to have these awful reoccurring dreams in which both the servers and the patrons would be angry at me, because I was seating them or not seating them or just doing my job when they didn't want me to. Anyhoo, I would eventually wise up and just lay down on the floor beside the host stand and go to sleep. That always sent me into a better dream. I never thought about turning gay - I just wanted the torture to end!

[Deidre]

LOVE IT. and that is all.

[susie]

Obviously :)

[Rebecca]

Thank you for kee-racking me up. I needed that today!

[BenevolentForce]

That made me really happy - as does your regular writing schedule as of late. You have no idea how much you help me stay sane with your wackiness. :)

[Cristy]

I cracked up at these: :)

"I didn't, for one, wake up lurching out of bed, clawing at my throat, so that was nice."

and

I don't have weird crap in my mouth for no reason in regular life! Almost never happens!"

I remember most of my dreams regularly. I've written them down, done research, etc., and it constantly amazes me that my mind can come up with that stuff.

I like this website in general, if you're interested, for interpretation: dreammoods.com (check out their dream dictionary, too). Neat stuff!

[mfk]

That's so funny, I also have the same theme about having large amounts of gum or mud or whatever in my mouth and not being able to get it out. Once it was vomit which was a less than pleasant dream. What is that about???

[Kate a And Then I Was a Mom]

Aha. I always suspected lesbians could fly. Thanks for the confirmation.

My husband, having apparently spent a worrisome chunk of his formative years researching lucid dreaming, claims the real trick is to try to turn a light on or off in your dream. I never get close to that point, but that's because Rob Pattinson and his delightful canine teeth keep getting in the way.

[Jennifer]

Ever strange that so many of us have had dreams about stuff in our mouths. For me it's happened three times. Once it was gum, wads and wads of it that were almost gagging me but I couldn't get a good grip on it and only stretchy strings coming out. Once it was alfalfa sprouts, again only able to pull out a few sprouts at a time. And once it was hundreds of pieces of metal wire and brackets from braces which were preventing me from saving my sister from being executed by my grandmother.. that was a horrible one.

I was told it was possibly related to feeling stifled in real life, or feeling as though I were unable to say what I needed to say.

Um.. love the blog Alice :) you're a terrific writer!

[Leslie]

I watched Zapped no less than eleventy-million times as a kid (dude, we lived on a farm, give me a break) and I have also had the oatmeal-mouth dream. Rock ON.

[die Frau]

OK, you and Uncouthheathen have me doing the silent-spasmodic-hysterical-work-laugh right now. And as the head of my school's Gay-Straight Alliance, I find your choice delightful.

I've had the lucid dreams occasionally when in the midst of a nightmare, when I realize, "Hey, YOU CAN CONTROL THIS!" and I find the door handle I've been groping for and leave the bad room where bad things happen.

Anyway, have a wonderful holiday with all good dreams. Watch out for those turkey-tryptophan dreams, though. ;-)

[Carolyn]

THAT is an awesome dream. I especially love that you said, "Why, then I'll be gay!" out loud. Talk about coming out. Out loud and PROUD.

[Sheila]

I cannot WAIT for the armchair psychoanalysts to come out and tell you about your dream in these here comments. Please, please, PLEASE save the emails and then share!

[Lisa C]

I have that same stuff-in-my-mouth dream sometimes too! Mine usually feels like very chewy (and sometimes viscousy) chewing gum and I pull and pull and can never get it all out.

I like to be gay in my dreams, too.