A quick rant while he’s asleep.
September 22, 2005This must be quick, because “asleep” is becoming a rare state these days. My child, the champion sleeper, has abruptly decided that sleep is overrated. Needless to say, this is driving me NUTS.
(What’s that joke about the steering wheel on the crotch and the punch line is “driving me nuts”? Someone?)
It’s not that he’s getting up early, because although he did get up at the ass-crack of dawn this morning, usually he’s a late sleeper. It’s getting him to sleep. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. And that makes me want him to go live somewhere else, like maybe at Grandma’s. Grandma would probably find his late-night shenanigans charming. She’d feed him cookies and the two of them could watch her DVD box set of the Dean Martin show until he passed out from boredom and embarrassment for poor old Deano.
(Every time I visit my parents my mom says, “I thought we’d watch Dean Martin tonight!” And I have to remind her for the 3,000th time that I don’t really deeply enjoy watching drunk people warble popular classics of the ‘50s and then trip over some props. Maybe a few minutes of it, okay, but we’re inevitably trapped watching one episode after another at my parents’ house with the volume cranked up to a window-rattling decibel, and at some point my mother will turn to me and ask, “What are you crying about?” and I’ll say “I didn’t know I was” and then I’ll go upstairs and try to drown myself in their bathtub only I added too many Epsom Salts and I keep bobbing to the surface.)
As I was saying, he does not want to sleep. At all. We put him down at 9 p.m., and for the next three hours, every five minutes is another request from his room. First he needs A Drink. Then he needs a Toy. Then he needs Something, but He Doesn’t Know What. Then he needs a Hug and a Song. Then a Better Song. Then he wants me to Stay and Chat. And on, and so forth.
I have tried various tactics, none of which have worked. They include but are not limited to: Calming Explaining That Sleep is Important. Ignoring. Yelling. Tears. Insisting that He Fall Asleep NOW Damn It. More Tears. Attempting to Ignore, but Failing. Yelling at Husband.
You see? Failproof! Nothing could be wrong with my strategies! I am going to write one of them child rearing books that show how to rear a child good because I know.
Last night, at 11:30, after an hour of vigorous denial over the goings-on near Henry’s room, I realized that all was quiet and went to check things out. I found Scott sleeping on the floor of Henry’s room while Henry, fully upright and alert, chatted with his father’s inert form. “Darth Vader goes whoosh and the Storm Trooper turns him into Darth Vader and when I’m at the playground I go whoosh down the slide but sometimes I fall and I get a little scrape but I’m okay,” he said as his father snored lightly against the carpeting.
This had better end soon because it's cutting into my precious blog-writing and -reading time.
Reader Comments (68)
Amen.
I am not against drugging children if the deprivation of sleep is involved.
That's just what we do in our house.
It works, it really works, even for my hyperverbal, hyperthinking, just plain hyperactive eight-year-old son.
I love the internet.
Thank you all for a good laugh and a reminder as to why I'm never ever having children unless I adopt a teenager.
Whenever I go home, I feel like I'm under the constant gaze of a giant, shouting eyeball.
It's getting a little old.
Toddlers are SO MUCH FUN!
I find that after a vacation it takes a week or two for him to return to his regular schedule of torturing me. Hopefully this will be short-lived (but if not, I've heard you can buy horse tranquilizers on Ebay).
Anyway, just a thought :)
Before I run away, I just want to add that Children's Tylenol does not really help a kid sleep - there's nothing in it to induce sleep. And although I'm liberal with the Tylenol when needed (fevers and teething), it's still not a good idea to use it if you don't have to. Acetomenophin (main ingredient) is very hard on the liver.
Good luck!
The other one. The non-sleeping-screamer who gave up day sleeps at about six months, never slept through the night until he was about 3 and a half, and as a baby was far happier screaming that feeding, being cuddled or generally part of the sane world. The child that has probably been awake longer after I fall asleep in his bed putting him to sleep than he's had spag bol for dinner (and let me tell you, the child won't eat dinners where ingredients are mixed - such as casseroles, stir fries, risottoa, soups or pasta with sauces - other that bolognaise).
In the end, nothing works, they just work it out for themselves. The sleeper goes to sleep. The non-sleeper plays on his bed with his Star Wars characters or the super hero figurine of the moment, or lego (note to self: must remember to remove once he's asleep so he doesn't wake up imprinted with lego blocks), or even a notebook and pencils. Remarkably, as soon as I removed the 'its time for bed' messaging, he just turns his light off and goes to sleep, normally about half an hour after the sleeper. Bizarre.
The other winning ploy - I relayed how when I was young (ie before having kids and entering the land of chronic exhaustion) I used to find it hard to stop my brain and fall asleep and that a teacher taught me a 10 second relaxation. Guess what - he was hooked - a) Mummy was young once ("in the olden days, Mummy, when it was all black and white?") b) Mummy's brain used to not turn off and c) Mummy had a teacher - so, we'd do a meditation. I can't believe I just wrote that - it sounds so, new age. But we'd start at his toes and work through all the body bits - making them really tight and then loose and wobbly. Then he had to imagine something wonderful (for him - playing with Transformers) and I'd count to five. With each number, he had to make it feel more and more real. Then from 6-10 he had to make them seem further and further away. BINGO - he actually started requesting we do it. He didn't go to sleep straight away, that would be miraculous, but it did take the edge off the whole bed time thing.
Anyway, #3 is now due in 3 weeks and, going off the amount of inutero bouncing-off-the-walls this incubus engages in, I am afraid, very very afraid.
My Mum sees your Mum's Deano box set and raises one. Bing Crosby.
I'm sorry Alice! I have no advice of any kind...I do remember my parents just going to sleep and letting my brother sit in their bed watching TV all night...and they seemed to sleep rather well that way. But that probably won't work. It sucks! Henry is adorable but doesn't he know we need you to write this thing??!! Hello? The internet cries out for Alice to entertain us. And of course we also need you to read to keep those skills sharp and perhaps come across something entertaining so DAMNIT HENRY GO TO SLEEP.
My two-year old has never really slept well. Then, just when I think it may be getting better, it gets worse. His brother is a great sleeper, wakes a bit ealry for me, but goes to bed on time. My two-year old though...he *used* to at least sleep in. Now he goes to bed late (last night he finally passed out around 1ish, night before that 2...) but he's also up at the crack of dawn...Must...Get...Sleep...
He's probably growing really fast right now, or getting ready to make some sort of leap up the evolutionary ladder. Here's hoping he gets it out of his system and gets back with the program.
He's never, ever still awake.