Better!
April 19, 2010My brains have calmed down quite a bit. It was touch and go for a while there. I kept pacing the apartment and gnawing on my knuckles and informing Scott in a hoarse whisper that I was going mad. It’s times like these that I wish I had an ivory floor-length nightgown. My wandering from room to room seems less haunting and eerie when I’m wearing polka-dotted flannel jammie-jams.
My ace team of mental-health professionals, whom I love and cherish and never want to let go, are, sadly, all in New Jersey (NEW JERSEY! I shake my fist at thee!) so I’ve been consulting with them by phone. During one of our phone consults, after she listened to me natter on about my inability to sleep and tendency to jump out of my skin whenever anyone slammed a door and also how I kept checking my pulse and it wasn’t high high but, I mean, high for me, my head-drugs-doctor suggested a drug I thought was only used on honest-to-God psychotics, and nothing against those guys but I really didn’t want the drugs that would turn me soft and glassy-eyed and stroking my chenille throw all day long. I mean, I may have been jumping to some uninformed conclusions, sure. So after I informed my doctor that I was not about to ingest metal salts that Kurt Cobain wrote songs about, thankyouverymuch, and maybe after I hung up on her, she called back and suggested we try beta blockers for now. Which I thought was hilarious because my blood pressure is 90/70 when I’m at my most stressed, so I thought beta blockers would kill me dead. I pictured my blood pooling in my ankles every time I stood up. But at that point I was willing to try anything, and she’s the expert, am I right? so I agreed.
And oh my word! These beta blockers have taken the edge off in an amazing and awesome way. I use “awesome” a lot, now that I’m on beta blockers. I’ve lost all use of my critical faculties, sure, but on the other hand I’m feeling smooth and groovy. Which is super. What was I talking about? I was just staring at the letter G on the keyboard. Is it not the best letter? It’s like, you think it’s a C, and then WHOA! That little curvy jag there changes things in a big and awesome way!
Oh, but I kid. I didn’t even take one today, is how much better I’m feeling. (Full disclosure: I will probably take one right now. Because the neighbors, they do love to slam the doors, and there’s a lot of door-slamming going on tonight, and already I can feel my heart rate increasing.) I have gone at least 48 hours without any intrusive thoughts or hyperventilating at all! I am also eating real food (kind of a lot of real food, in fact) and my stomach feels fine! It’s a Christmas miracle!
I tried to respond to all the emails I received, but there were over 700, and my doctors seemed especially concerned for me when I mentioned how I was trying to write back to everyone. So thank you, if you didn’t hear from me. I read them all—some of them more than once—and saved them in a special folder, and I intend to read them again, if and when I need to. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Reader Comments (77)
Thinking of you.
I have no idea where this came from. I heard it as a cheerleading cheer. I'm also weird like that, but it made sense in my head. In any case, YAY for feeling better!
Its a tad sensationalist and oversimplified, and of course they have to present "both" sides but really the anti beta blocker people are so heartless that it just makes the pro point even stronger. I remember one of the PTSD sufferers in the video saying something like "please don't tell me I can't take this drug, it helps me so much."
I take propranol. It helps me so much, too.
I literally lol'd when I read about how the G is a C and then BAM-it's suddenly totally different! Hilarious.
I went through the most INSANE time of my life a few years ago with the WORST kind of anxiety (have a feeling you know about that).
Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't sit, or stand....and every ten minutes I was in the bathroom.
Good to know, right?
Just gotta speak the truth.
But, it was honestly THE WORST time of my life, and the longest month of my life by far. In fact, I swear my husband was about to commit me....if only he could have removed me from the bathroom long enough...
Anyway, to this day when I hear of someone suffering like I had, I literally want to poo for them...because I know it is just that bad.The anxiety...not the poo. Although, yes, that is bad too.
Now, lets talk beta blockers, and how I can get them because I totally want my G to look all groovy and awesome too. =)
I'm glad you're out from under the blankets.
Just loving you from over here, Alice.
And, I know, the meds take the edge off. That anxiety is UNSAFE STUFF. I know I'm not safe behind the wheel of a car when I'm panting and wild eyed (probably just me...but so what.)
Glad you're better!!
And beta blockers are AWESOME.
I like Q better.
I think this means your doctors are right: you can't take care of everyone. For now, just try to take care of you.Glad you are feeling better!
Having been through the skin crawling & the feeling like I could lay down & stay down, I've learned it's important to take care of you or you can't do anything for anyone else.
And awesome is a word you have to over use on meds, at least from my experience ;)
did any of the emails say that we love you? because we do. we love you so much, we don't need you to write us back.
i am disappointed in myself in not voting to make you #1 funniest mom blogger at babble. Although #8 is quite respectable. (but you're #1 at meandmy#1opinions.com)