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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
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Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

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At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it.

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« Irreverent. Curious. Vaginas. | Main | Business Time. Part Whatever. »
Wednesday
Jul222009

This actually seems to have happened.

Well! What did you do yesterday?

You know you're wondering how it went, don't deny it. So here's a recap of the day. Aaand…go!

The morning was a little more adrenaline-packed than I had expected, as the traffic was bad and our driver had to perform some insane and possible illegal maneuvers to get us to the studio. (In retrospect we should have taken the subway, but it's hard to say no when someone offers to "send a car for you." It sounded so classy!) Scott kept cramming Xanax into my mouth as I hyperventilated and the driver was all, "Once I drove a high-powered executive when the traffic was this bad, and we had to exit to the nearest heliport," and "Once I was driving Calvin Klein, and he said, 'I cannot sit in this traffic; where is the nearest heliport?'" So I shrieked, "I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO A NEARBY HELIPORT IF THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE GETTING AT," and he shrugged. Because it was exactly what he was getting at. He wished he could dump us at a heliport so that a chopper would take us and he could listen to his news radio in peace.

But as it was, I am too poor to commandeer a helicopter at will, and he was stuck with the two of us--me whimpering, Scott alternately soothing me and sending out Twitters because he was trying to drive me insane--until we reached Rockefeller Center. And we were so grateful that he got us there that Scott kept handing him twenties while I stuck my tongue in his ear.

When we arrived we found out that the segment had been moved up twenty minutes, which I am glad I didn't know beforehand because I would have thrown up all over that lovely car. I had ten minutes to get dressed and get my makeup and hair done. The stylists actually did the makeup and hair at the same time; I don't know how they did it, but they did. If I tried to put on my own lipstick while my hair was being tugged upward to the crazy heights it reached, I would have ended up with pink lines across the bottom half of my face. That's why they're professionals. I could see Tori behind me calling out to Dean, and I realized I have no idea what Dean looks like, he could have been the guy doing my hair, which would have explained a lot. (Enough about the hair, Alice.) (It's just…look. The hair was a little enthusiastic for my taste, is all. But I know, I know—it's daytime TV and they have their mysterious daytime-TV ways. Daytime TV viewers like HAIR! instead of just my normal lowercase style. And so it was.)

A lovely wardrobe lady helped me into my mysteriously high-tech blouse, which had Slots and Tabs and I was sure I was going to mess it up and WHOOPSIE EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BRA! (Which is why I also bought a new bra, by the way.) (It's a lovely bra. You should have seen it.) Once properly dressed, I met up with Laura and Melissa and I made more jokes about all the Xanax I was taking, HAHAHAHA EVERYONE LAUGH AT ME, and they smiled sadly and one of them might have called Poison Control.

(Okay. I took nothing more than some useless homeopathic calming agent, because even though I have Xanax in my possession I'm too scared to take it, and I definitely wouldn't take it for the first time shortly before appearing on live television. I probably would have fallen off that high stool. Or laughed weirdly and heartily at Kathie Lee and Tori's mysterious in-jokes. Oh, wait, I did do that.)

Then we were whisked up to the set, which was not the other set that Kathie Lee and Tori were already on although it sure lookedthe same; there are apparently billions of almost-identical sets within the studio, so that the hosts are always slightly lost and confused as to their whereabouts, and then they won't try and escape. So we sat on our high stools and I was feeling my crunchy hair and thinking what have they done to me when Kathie Lee and Tori glided in and Kathie screamed "THE MOMMYBLOGGERS AAAAIIIIEE" and we all screamed back "AIIIIEEEE!" and then we realized she was cheering and not screaming. That was embarrassing. We shook hands with the two glorious orange creatures before us—seriously, they have so much makeup on them, you can't even tell they're human, if that's what they are, and I'm reasonably sure they might be—and then they were placed upon their seats and energy-boosting nutritional pellets were inserted under their tongues, and we began.

People have commented that the segment seemed…confused, and why didn't Melissa say anything? Here's the thing. We were prepped for many questions, none of which were asked. There were note cards. Kathie Lee and Tori, they had the note cards. In their hands. But they never looked at the note cards. I realized quickly that they were not ever going to look at the note cards, and it was every woman for herself, so I jumped in whenever I could. If they had decided to talk about product reviews, or the relationships between bloggers and corporate entities, Melissa would have been able to jump in and I would have sat there weeping softly into my shirtsleeves. The—questions, I guess you'd all them? Observations? Just happened to veer toward topics I could contribute to, and so I did, and then it was over and everyone looked a little surprised.

We shook hands with Kathie Lee and Tori, and took pictures, and our hosts were placed back in their boxes and wheeled out and everyone else disappeared as well. And we were left to figure out where the exit was. Which we did, eventually, using our Mommyblogging Powers.

So that was that! I managed to talk without using any profanities and my nipples were not even slightly visible, so I couldn't be more pleased. My definition of success in these kinds of appearances has sunk lower and lower, as you can see. And if I ever appear on the Today Show again, I'm going to provide a helpful chart for Kathie Lee explaining where the power button is on most brand-name computers and how you "push" it, and I just bet she'll learn how to turn hers on! She will, you guys. Oh, I can dream, can't I?

Reader Comments (84)

How many times is the Today Show going to talk about this topic? You'd think Kathy Lee would have caught on by now. But seriously, how funny was that comment she made to Tori about her family??
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
No, she won't learn. But, the President of the United States of America will give you a medal for trying. And you will be queen of the mommybloggers.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Oh, you were interviewed by Tori! I love her!!! Okay, yeah, so Kathy and Tori didn't really get much info or decent questions in there at all, but whatev YOU WERE ON THE TODAY SHOW! Sweeeeeet!



July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHolly Strebel
I have long since stopped watching morning shows because no one really has enough time to say anything of substance, especially when they cram more than one guest on at a time. Except what you said was profound and lovely, of course. :-) Your hair actually looks something like mine did on my wedding day, which does seem a bit much for that time of the day.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterno plot
Aw, you did good, mama! And seriously though, the Today Show is a hard venue to try to have anything of substance come through as it is so fast paced, and superficial in a short amt of time. You managed to sum it up there with your one line, "Am I doing OK?" It's what it's all about right? Congratulations!

July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGolden
Great job - and you're so right about the HAIR (although it looked great - but I can't wait to see it styled your own way in your next Momversation).

How skinny is Tori in real life? She looks like a rail. I like her but sister needs a burger.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCandice
you were great, the hair wasn't terrible but i have the same cut and i know what you mean so there's nothing i can say to make you feel better except that you were funny and quick so you proved to not be the soccer mom that the hair stylist wanted you to be :)



July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjessica
I was agog watching the whole thing, and I especially enjoyed the part when you announced out that both Kathie Lee and Tori were the offspring of Oompa Loopmas and Lollipop fairies, which explained both their coloring and their oddly large heads.

I still don't know if Kathie Lee smells of moth balls and top shelf gin sweat, but still, truly, well done!
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbarbara
You were fantastic - if it were me, I wouldn't be able to keep the look of terror off of my face when Kathie Lee exploded at me. Tori, however, I would have kissed when she said "Shut it, Gifford" Love her.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKymmi
Man, every single time Kathie Lee interviews a mommy blogger (and she's done so at least a few times now), she looks all panicky and mostly talks about how she doesn't know what she's talking about.

Awesome.

You were great, though. I just wish they'd let you talk more.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat
"So, you're different from the other ladies, aren't you...?"

Am I the only one who really wanted to hear her say "Yes, Kathie Lee, because I have a penis!"

Probably I'm the only one who wanted to hear that.

(I see what you mean about The Hair -- but you always look lovely, and honestly this was no exception. And I mean that in an entirely non-creepy way.)
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMiss B
yeah the hair was too "pta".

you still looked great though, and did a wonderful job.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkat
I'm always so glad that you are on the Today Show, but always irritated that it is Kathie Lee interviewing you. LADY, IF YOU KNOW NOTHING AND ARE NOT CURIOUS ABOUT THE TOPIC, step back and let someone else ask the questions!! But, you did look fabulous, big hair (not that big, really) and all.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth_K
Loved the interview! Well spoken, and maybe you should have included, "If you get online, Kathy, just push that big red 'X' at the top right. Kathy, you have no business being online."Heh heh.Yes, and I too am a big fan of Tori Spelling. She should have done all the interviewing.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMandy
I think KLG is still part of that generation of women that just played dumb to get out of doing stuff. I don't know why she puts herself down like that all the time.

And...is Tori ill or something? Good God.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBeth in SF
I'll never understand why they keep having Kathie Lee interview mommy bloggers. I think she interviewed Dooce awhile back and she said the same thing about the power button. Lady doesn't know what a computer is, I think she's a bad choice for an interviewer. But, you were great! And way to jump in when you could. I was cheering for you.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie
Great Job!
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRenee
You were great. KLG is a turd.

And honestly, it feels sort of insulting that they would continue to allow her to interview people on this topic. She clearly has no interest or understanding, and no interest in researching or learning, so what's the point of continuing to put her up there?
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie
I once had to chair a session at a conference, so I took a Xanax about 30 minutes before. Right before the session started, I didn't feel like it had hit me, so I took another. I was lucky to be able to walk out when it was over. My husband said I kept starting sentences and then just trailing off and staring. Sweet!

I like that K & T think mommy bloggers are giving parenting "advice." Heh.

You did great!
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlicia
I haven't even watched the video yet but I can tell you this entry was one of your funniest. Damn funny. I love it.Keep up the good work,Jennifer
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer txmomof3
Wow. Does anyone else think that Tori is starting to look like the Muppet Janice?
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngie
You were great. The hair? Meh. But at least your head fits your body, and your body isn't orange. So you have that going for you! Is Kathie Lee drunk all the time? Seriously. Or does she have some sort of mental deficiency. I mean, it's odd how successful (I really should have put quotes around that word...) she is, what with her being such a grating idiot.

Also, I'd be pissed if I was Melissa. What the hell?

Last words. You were great. Yay! Alice!
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeegan
But can we talk about hair color? Because yours looks totally fab!

Tori and Kathie Lee are scaring me.
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSue M.
Well, at least Tori appreciates the existence of online communities...Kathie Lee just appreciates Kathie Lee. I was out to breakfast with my husband when you magically appeared on the TV and I let out a little squee! Thankfully you linked to it later so I could appreciate it in all it's glory. Obvious question--why not have that girl who's online all the time on the show, interview you guys? She apparently is familiar with a computer. I was amazed that Tori is, too! All in all, you did great and hey! You survived!
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCincy
So glad it was Tori and not that regular "handler" that they have for KLG, she's as bad as Kathie Lee is. (Or did they get rid of her and I just never watch?) Tori made it tolerable, as of course did you and the other bloggers! I feel so dirty being a "mommyblogger" now that I've heard KLG say that word. Ew. Let's rename this genre pronto.

Anyway, though, the hair looked fine. What did you expect when you wrote that contract rider that you had to be a foot taller than the people on either side of you? (joke, it's a joke)
July 22, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjanny226

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