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Let's Panic: The Book!

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How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant
who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain,
and Finally Turn You
into a Worthwhile
Human Being.

Written by Alice Bradley and Eden Kennedy

Some Books
I'm In...

Sleep Is
For The Weak

Chicago Review Press

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Let's Panic

The site that inspired the book!

At LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES, Eden Kennedy and I share our hard-won wisdom and tell you exactly what to think and feel and do, whether you're about to have a baby or already did and don't know what to do with it. → 

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Four fruits. Four!

Thank you for joining me in disbelief about this whole thousand-fruit idea. You are my kind of people. Between you and me, I happen to believe that oranges are actually small animals disguising themselves as fruits, and then when you go to peel them they uncurl and strike with their fanged wedges. I have some sketches I could share with you. If only I trusted the scanner enough to use it.

My son is at my in-laws and oh, I miss him. Is there anything more pathetic than a mother whose child is away for 48 hours and all she can talk about is how much she misses him? I will answer my own question: yes. There are more pathetic things, obviously. But this is right up there. When Henry is here I can generally be found rolling my eyes and sighing over the demands and injustices of motherhood, and now he's one state over and I'm mooning around his room, wondering if it's too soon to call him again. He could not be more tired of our phone calls.

Us: "Hey, buddy, what you up to?"

Him: "Attempting to have quality time with my grandparents, which is difficult when someone keeps calling."

Us: "… You gonna get ice cream later?"

Him: "Oh, for fuck's sake. Yes, I suppose I will get ice cream later. Shall I call you and tell you all about what toppings I got?"

Us: "Love you, too! Miss you!"

Okay, that didn't happen. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I miss my baby! What can I bitch about if my baby is not with me? Scott? Well, Scott, sure.

Reader Comments (35)

sam being away for 48 hours DOES sound like a dream. are you saying it wouldn't be? are you saying i should stop wishing that could be arranged?

what ARE my goals, then?
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
I assume that this Hour One, yes?
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMarinka
lol. That's how we ALL feel, isn't it? I love the imagined dialogue. Sentiment perfectly captured. :)
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel
Dearest Alice,

Yes, Scott. What's he doing now? NOW? How about NOW??

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterheyjoe
Everyone is always asking if they can babysit and I always think ... but then he wouldn't BE HERE! No matter how whiny or annoying, they can be so darn cute. (Oh my, I've become that mom. Sorry.)
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth_K
I imagined Henry's portion read in a british accent. Not unlike Stewie Griffin.

April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJachiCue
I love that you shared this because on the evenings that my almost 6-year old boy visits his grandparents (for 3-4 hours) I find myself checking the clock for when he'll be home, I miss him too. I completely get it!
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCandice
I know the feeling. One of my best friends gives me shit because I miss my kids when they go to camp, and yet, when they're here, I complain endlessly. I can never win...Woe's me.
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMary @ Holy Mackerel
Oh! Poor Alice. I remember how that felt. The first time my oldest stayed with his grandparents, I cried myself to sleep at night! Now that I have 3 and my oldest is 15, I pray for them to go stay somewhere, anywhere, please, for just a few hours or a few days, anythihng, just get out from up my ass! you know though, your milege may vary *shrug*
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersevedra
Haha, my friend and I were just talking about how pathetic we are! Some days our sons can be the most annoying things on the planet, take all our energy, want attention 24/7 and hooray, we FINALLY make it to bed time. One hour later we miss them and want to wake them up to play. It's sick I tell you!
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHolly Strebel
Aren't there crazy orange creatures like that in "Life of Pi"? Great book, btw, if you haven't read it.
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLasha
When my husband and I go out on a rare date night, we always end up talking about the kids and then we end up feeling lousy that all we're talking about is the kids instead of Kafka and current affairs and the history of indigo. Then we drink another glass of wine and we don't care what we're talking about.Have you seen this kid's book "Food For Thought?" which is just photographs of fruits (and some vegetables) pared and shaped to look like non-edible things. The oranges are the freakiest part.
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
You have to go away. The first time grandma took my two boys, my husband and I were away for four days. Did I miss them? Sure. Did I wish they were with me? Nope. I knew when I'd come back to them, and I enjoyed the time away NOT CARRYING DIAPER BAGS AND SNACKS EVERYWHERE I WENT.
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth
oh you are ALL SET for college.
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternorm
wait until he's 16 and planning to spend the month of June with his girlfriend 3000 miles away.I'll probably kill myself.
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwoolies
Aaaaaw . . . I can be so annoyed at breakfast and as soon as I'm at work I'm all ... I MISS them!
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElaine at Lipstickdaily
Am I a bad mother if I admit that I love when my adored daughter is somewhere that I'm not? It's bliss. Pure unadulterated bliss, I tell you.

Did I mention that I adore her? I do.
April 17, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermosey along
Ah, yes, it's the great irony of motherhood. We are exhausted with them, unable to get our "important" tasks done. And we are lonely without them, wondering what life will be like when the leave us for that fantastic girl they meet in college...
April 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHip Mom's Guide
I also read this with the Stewie Griffin voice. Damn you, pop culture!

Great post.
April 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDrongo
Well, I need a solid two days without them before the withdrawal kicks in. I'm too giddy with freedom to miss them before that.

But after two days, I totally miss the little monstrosities.
April 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShnerfle
Apparently, the umbilical is never truly severed on our side.
April 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMotherProof
love, love, love.
April 19, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstephanie
oh yes, I hear you. It isn't long before we are seen as pathetic by our kids is it?

April 19, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertracy
I read that conversation out loud to my husband, because he asked what I was laughing about. Then he asked how old Henry is. When I told him, he thought it was even funnier. :) I guess the idea of a little boy cussing like a sailor is funnier than a teenager doing it.
April 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBonnieBelle
Orange you glad your didn't think there are only five fruits?
April 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBOSSY

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