Thursday
Mar192009
Bully for us
March 19, 2009So the latest Momversation video I'm in is about bullying. Want to see?
I watched this with Henry last night, and when we got to the part with my dumb advice to Henry (make fun of the other kid when he makes fun of you! Why, that can't fail!) he said, "Why did you say that?" and I said, "Because sometimes Mommy is an idiot." And he said, "You shouldn't call yourself names," and I said, "Right again, kid." I don't know if it's a good idea to teach your child to roll his eyes at most of the stuff that comes out of your mouth, but that seems to be the way our relationship is developing. Henry is far more sensible than I am. Lucky for me.
Reader Comments (38)
My daughter, who is usually the victim, finally stood up for herself in 3rd grade. She back-fisted a girl, right in the nose, who wouldn't keep her hands off my kid in lines and on the playground. Yeah, I was like, WAHOO inside, but on the outside I was all, you should use your words first, blah, blah, blah. Her Sensei gave her a high-five. I mean, she clearly wasn't the bully here, but some girl picked on a kid who was on her last thread.
I don't know. Would you hate seeing your kid be the victim more than the bully? Either one feels just as yucky to me.
I didn't think your advice was that awful. It could have been so much worse. I really wish I could remember verbatim how my parents dealt with this when we were younger. I think I was just lucky, though, and not frequently bullied - or at least only bullied when I was young enough not to understand and remember it. I wonder sometimes how I'll deal with it with my kids, but I guess it's useless to wonder. I'll probably tell them not to start things, to try out their words, etc, but if a fight happens? You finish it.
Because I'm an evil, evil mother like that.
I will NOT allow you to bully me into watching this video. WILL NOT.
Fine, I’ll do it.
Resigningly,Joe
But even though we feel like we have a philosophy for them, plus our kids are still young and we haven't even hit the serious years of peer bullying, I'm already seeing that it's hard--and that it brings out some deep emotions in both my huband and myself, since were were both picked on when we were young and would never want to see any of our kids subjected to that.
We talked with the core class teacher and she said she'd keep an eye out and sure enough she caught these two guys punching my son in the hallway.
To avoid suspension the bullies had to give a public apology in class, a written apology to our family, lost all athletic privileges and were told that a subsequent offense would result in their transfer to the "alternative school." Their parents were shocked and called us to apologize, but I simply told them to STFU in simple language and advised them to talk to their sons, not me.
The bullying stopped and the end to the story is that both bullies matured, distinguished themselves in high school and went off to college as did my son.
My son learned that the "system" works. The bullies learned there are rules.
Things could have been worse. There could have been grudges, but it all worked out in the end. A combination of luck and making luck happen.
So I guess I blame the school for not stepping in. It's different with girls and the psychological bullshit they put each other through. But at least she did find an alternative and went back to school the next year with confidence.
My other sister, my mom, and I wanted to beat the shit out of both girls. But we gracefully held back. I think you remind the person that he/she is a good person and give alternatives. And hey, karate is truly good for confidence.
Only as a last resort (they are in serious physical peril) should violence or verbal abuse or "teasing" ever be considered. None of the suggestions offered up in the video would be an option at my kids' school. In fact, they directly contradict the school's policy and would warrant disciplinary action on my children (the "victim" in this scenario).
So I don't know.
I think it's interesting, too, because I know my brother got the FIGHT BACK speech, but he was a boy. I think there's sort of double standard between boys and girls in the bullying world because we don't necessarily want our girls to be popping people one or fighting back, but boys are meant to "give 'em hell."
I'm a teacher now, and it's such a difficult topic because I often wish that students were taught sort of the dismissive, joking, tease-back-but-wittily method instead of their fists, because once you get two seventeen-year-old boys fighting about who said what about who's girlfriend? SCARY. Unfortunately, I think we do sort of applaud, even through subtext, the FIGHT half of fight-or-flight, and it can be ugly.
Happy mediums? Not that I know how to find them. But I am just saying.
Though I do like the "grandma gave me a log" method I read above. A lot.
I was ALWAYS bullied. I was that girl who everyone picked on. Hell, I was in band and AP classes in suburban Upstate NY. It was rough. Then one day I was like eff that shit and I became the bully. But still the bully in the AP classes so no one ever said anything. Then that ended and I now have a bit of a middle ground. I will say when I'm displeased with something because I spent so many years having people crap all over me with their words and now I feel like I can fight back with a bit of a tongue lashing. So now I'm a 25 year old who is quick to tell it like it is.
I also have three brothers. OH MY GOD. Let's just say that my youngest brother was bullied. Terribly. By this kid who taunted, spit on him and called him the dreaded 'N' word. My brother never fought and then one day he hauled off and punched that kid in the face so hard that the kid's nose was broken and my brother's hand was broken. I'll tell you what though; my brother ended up graduating Magna Cum Laude from college and that kid ended up expelled from HS and works at a place that sells wings. My brother hasn't punched anyone since.
My other brothers have resorted to different methods which I will not recommend because no one needs to go to jail.
Also, the word is "fair." One is pale when one is ill. You (despite the mole of death) are not ill to my knowledge. You are fair-skinned (as am I) and it is healthy. Don't even get me started on the chin comment. At least you have a sense of humor about it! Not sure I would...
Love you, Alice. :)
That's all very modern and PC but back in my day if you "told on" the bully it was just worse for you later on. I don't know whether things have changed but when I was in gym class in high school, no less, being bullied by this b*tch, the gym teacher looked the other way - I was not athletic, you see, so she had no use for me either.
Perhaps things have changed.
I think all of the moms in the conversation have legitimate feelings and points of view on the subject. Bullying is a very difficult situation for the kids and the moms. My mother used to tell me to "ignore them" but that didn't help. She said she got made fun of but didn't care. So I took that to mean that being the victim of bullies was a hereditary trait, there was something genetically wrong with me, and that on top of that I didn't have my mother's mental stamina to "not care."
I finally got over it when I was about 30.